Title: A Deeper Shade of Blue (title courtesy of The B)
Author: Califi
Posted:
Rating: R
Email
Category: angst/POV
Content: Cordelia
Summary: Visions take their toll
Spoilers: Early/Mid S3
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: AA, JF, FSB; anywhere else, just ask.
Notes:
Thanks/Dedication: For The B. I cuffed it, she loved it, so I posted it. Mwah!
Feedback: Always nice
Same old, same old...have a brain-melting vision, clutch at Angel's shirt like some deprived granny in lust, then attempt to look 'fine' until they leave.
Then the rocking starts. It used to help, as well as being soothing. But not any more
The rocking now makes me wanna heave on my genuine imitation jimmy choo's, and God knows, that's a big no-no.
So I sit there stock still, every muscle tensed to screaming point and pray....
Then I laugh- as much as my head will let me, at the irony of praying to a God that did this to me in the first place.
Mustgomustgomustgo.... my mind chants the words as I wait for some kind of ease. I used to stay and be Patch-up lady, but those days are way past. Now I hobble home like a decrepit old person and feel almost relief that I have somewhere I can be 'un-fine'.
Anywhere but the hotel.
Angel and co are clueless.... they must be, I decided, once I double-checked and saw no sign of blinkers. A part of me is glad for that.
But a bigger part of me inwardly whines and rails; how can they be so blind? Do they not look at me?
Do they not see the shadow of the girl they once knew? If I really cared so much about outward appearances, I would be totally offended.
I'm too far-gone for that now, though. Covering up the darkening circles and the rather sallow skin tone is the only reason I spend time at the mirror these days.
Otherwise I. Just. Cannot. Look. Denial is a great river, and I inwardly send my blessings to it every day.
As I lie curled up in bed, tightly fetal, hugging my knees so tight my nails leave half-moons in the covered flesh, I pray they have done the job- killed whatever demon of the day and helped the hopeless; the pain lessens to an acceptable degree, and I could easily count the muscles one by one as they relax a little.
Sleep comes... and I ignore the tiny voice that prays it will be a sleep I never wake up from.
But.... *sigh* existence goes on; and while it does, I do what I do and at least have the knowledge that yet another life is saved.
One day, I just hope it will be mine.
***
Standalone/Drabbles
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