Go TeamC/A
Title: Changing The Past
Author: Angelicgal82
Posted originally: 12/14/02
Rating: PG13/R
Category: Time-travel, BtVS 2
Content:
Summary: Challenge response (
Karura's challenge).
Challenge in Spoiler font. Highlight to read if you want to know: - Cordelia watches from her spot as a Higher Being as Angel inadvertantly kills Connor. Trying to go back in time to change the past proves harder than it's worth, when Cordelia finds herself stuck in Sunnydale High School with a mind that wants to be in the future. Set BTVS Season 2.
Spoilers: Everything in BTVS from Season 1-3 and everything in Angel, seasons 1-3.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: E-mail me and ask, please.
Notes:
Dedication: To Karura over at ST for setting this wonderful challenge.
Feedback: 'Tis the thing I crave!
Part 1He's practiced what he wants to say a hundred times already. Told her he loves her a hundred different ways and there are still two things wrong with this scenario.
One, she's not here yet - which sort of works against him.
Two - everything he says or thinks he'll say feels wrong. Will talking about what Buffy meant to him cheapen his feelings for Cordelia? Is it better to expect the worst, rather than hope? What if he can't say it? He wants to tell her... But what if he can't?
Of course one is directly linked with two - because he can't tell her anything if she's not here and... It's so nice up here. Cordelia loves it here, so that makes it different for Angel. Not someplace he fought a Kravlock demon a few months ago, the fact that she loves it makes it something different... Something, beautiful.
Looking down, Angel checks his watch again. Cordelia's never late. Well, not usually - unless it's work-related. But this isn't. Sighing, he fishes his keys from his pocket and turns.
"Connor?" Something's wrong. Something's happened and Angel doesn't know what, but by the look on Connor's face, it's bad.
"Dad."
"What are you doing here?"
He smiles and suddenly, Angel feels more uneasy than he has in a long time.
"We're family," Replies Connor, "And I wanna show you how I feel about that." With a move that both stuns and impresses Angel, Connor launches towards him, knocking them both backwards and making them stumble, close to the cliff's edge.
"What the hell's going on?" She only checked in on him for five minutes. Only wanted to see... Make sure he was... Oh God...
"Connor, talk to me." Angel grabs Connor from behind, arms locked firmly behind his head. Something must have happened, Connor just wouldn't attack like this. Not like this...
He waits a moment, before sighing and relaxing slightly in his father's grip.
Angel backs off as Connor turns to look at him, a dark, haunted look in his son’s eyes. "Connor? What happened?"
If ever the Powers That Be were cruel, they were now... They show her, seconds before it occurs, what's going to happen and Cordelia can do nothing but watch.
"You." Sneers Connor coldly, "You happened. You happened and you took everything away from him. It wasn't enough to take his children, was it Angelus? You took his life..."
"His life?" And even as Connor lunges towards him, stake in one hand, retrieved from his back pocket, Angel's not expecting the blow. It hits... It hits and Angel roars in pain, the stake missing his heart by barely an inch. "Connor, stop..."
"Did you? He *gave* me up. He told you that I was yours, that you had me. That what I wanted was you, what I deserved was you and that wasn't enough for you. You killed him..." Connor lunges for Angel again, sending them tumbling from the cliff.
"Walk in his world, learn all you can. Discover what of him is in you that you might fight against it. But be on your guard. Remember what I've taught you. The devil will show you bright things, many colours."
A private moment shared between father and son, one Cordelia can see plain as day. They're showing her, but to let her stop - that would be wrong and she feels that. Feels that even as tears run the length of her cheeks... After tonight there'll be no more fighting, no more anything, not for Angel. There'll be darkness, there'll be grief.
He had a son...
There's nothing worse than silence. When the waves are crashing around you and you know there should be sound, there's nothing worse than silence - especially from the place you expect and want it most.
For as long as Angel can remember, the sound of a heartbeat has been comforting. The warmth, though small, that Connor's body brought when it was cradled next to his...
And his fingers, covered in blood. Crouching next to his son, impaled on a sharp piece of rock that juts out from the sandy shores of Point Dume... Breath slipping away from him, he meets Angel's eyes and whispers three words that make the vampire’s body bow and fall.
It's not love he whispers sentiments of...
Only hate...***
"What the hell did you do to him?!" The door crashes open and knocks Skip's Matrix figures to the floor, causing the demon to jump up, startled.
"Hey! Hey! Watch the merchandise!"
"Why?"
"Because they're collector's items!" Skip rolls his eyes, even an untrained eye can see that.
"Not that!" She retorts, hotly, "
THIS! WHY?!"
He's never seen her quite this pissed before. At least, not to his recollection. Never seen her eyes so dark.
"Why what, Cordelia?"
"You took me away from him and you let... You let... Did you know that was going to happen?"
"Know what?"
"Connor!" She yells, "He killed Connor. He killed..." Her voice goes quiet then and Skip stops to watch her. Well, okay, he's more worried about his figures of Trinity and Morpheus but he's worried about her too.
"Cordelia, you don't belong there any longer. Angel will bounce back, he always does."
"Bounce back? He killed his son and lost his friend all in one night, how the hell can he bounce back? You have to change it... I know you can..."
"It's not as simple as that, Cordelia. You can't change this, it's not the kind of thing..."
"Listen to me, Skip." Said Cordelia, firmly. "Listen to me and make sure you understand. Over the past few months I've watched Angel lose and regain everything only to have it all taken away again in one night. I have to do something, I can't just... I can't just not."
Skip sighed, "Not the kinda demon that does things by the book, are ya?"
"Half-demon," She amended, "Now send me back."***
She should know by now. She should have realised that when the Powers are being nice, that when 'fate' (if there is such a thing) takes a turn for the kinda good, or the happy, there'll be a price attached to it.
It happened when Angel was turned human. That one day when he was allowed to be with Buffy and there was a price - one he had to pay, ironically... Coming wars, apocalypses - he'd have to face them. Vamped. Not-human. Not-happy, or so she'd thought.
He'd fought back like he'd always done. Put just that little more effort into his punches... Then Doyle had died... What followed was months of heartache and bouncing back, same old story over the past three years she'd worked with Angel. Get burned, pull yourself back, put yourself a little straighter.
And now...
Okay now, she was experiencing stuff that - well, weird? Didn't even cover it.
First of all, she was in Sunnydale. How did she know? Well, you didn't suddenly find yourself in a closet at work - unless your life had taken a turn for the seriously weird and you were kissing your boss.
Oh, she knew exactly where she was. In a closet, with Xander.
"Is it just me or is your mind not entirely on the lips at hand?"
And Cordelia was gaping at him, mouth opened, eyes wide and blinking in the light of the closet.
"Xander?!" She whispered.
Looking down, Xander patted his shirt, "Yup, that'd be me. Unless I happened to change in the last five minutes and- Wait a minute, is this you being all repressive?"
"Is that even a word?" She snapped.
"Yep," Said Xander, "Same old Cordy."
Blinking again, Cordelia looked at him, "Same old Cordy?"
He was wrong, so very very wrong...***
"And you say you're from the future?"
It was nice for Cordelia to know that some things had never changed, in all the time she... Hadn't been away. Giles, still as stuffy as ever, cleaning his glasses and asking questions. She'd come here after assuring Xander that yes, she was fine
"I-I didn't want to tell the guys about this because - well, I think I'm crazy, never mind anyone else." Said the brunette, shaking her head.
"Understandable." Said Giles, then, "Are you quite SURE you didn't receive a bump to the head?"
"Yes! I'm sure, God, Giles - do you honestly think I'd make something like this up?"
"N-no, but..."
"Ask me something? Not too... Well, personal. But just ask me something."
"Cordelia, we shoul-"
"Okay. In one year from now, Buffy's going to have some big slayer 18th birthday test thing called... The uh... Damn... The Crucial Mental?"
Giles started slightly, eyebrows shooting upwards, "The Cruciamentum?"
"That's it!" Said Cordelia, "Not to give too much away, but she'll be having one of those."
Giles gaped at her, shaking his head. "W-well there could be an explanation. My Watcher's diaries..."
"The ones you keep locked away?"
"The very same." He nodded, shaking his head.
Cordelia frowned, "Look, I get that being careful is all very well and good but... Can we get back to the task at hand here? I'm... I'm my old-self again! And my old-self? Not that nice a place to be! I need to get to Angel!"
"You need to get to Angel? Why? Is he hurt?"
Turning, Cordelia looked at Buffy. "No, Angel's... Angel. He's... Fine." It was more amounts of weird than she could handle, seeing Buffy standing in front of her, knowing that she'd died and knowing what was to come with Angel was... Well, bad. "Look, I gotta go..." Grabbing her purse, Cordelia walked out of the library and away from Buffy and Giles, tears welling up in her eyes.
Heels clacking on the floor, Cordelia swiped furiously at her tears, until a hand on her arm stopped her.
"Cordelia? Are you all right?" Asked Giles, tentatively.
"Do I LOOK all right?" She snapped, "Everything's different. Buffy's all doe-eyed over the guy that I'm in love with, the world switched on me and I don't know how to switch it back."
"You're in love with Angel?" The surprise in his voice was evident. If Cordelia loved Angel, did he love her? And what exactly were the implications for Angel loving someone else - when he seemed so in love with his slayer.
"Yeah, I'm in love with Angel." She frowned, "So?"
"Cordelia, whatever happened in your past, must stay that way. If you do something to jeopardise the future, everything will change..."
"So what, you're telling me to stick this out? Re-live my high school days and watch as everything I know I can change just... Happens? No matter how bad it is?"
"Yes." Said Giles, firmly, "That's exactly what I'm telling you. If you were brought here from the future or from another dimension, then you were brought here for a reason, changing the past now would not only bring harm to you but all those around you."
But that's just it, thought Cordelia sadly as she looked up at Giles. The whole reason I was sent back was to change the past... And if I don't...
"Cordelia, are you listening to me?" Asked Giles darkly, "You mustn't do anything to change the course of what happens. Do you understand?"
The urgency underlying his voice scared Cordelia, if she changed the past then... She might never have Angel. But if she changed the past, he'd have Buffy, they could still be together.
"I understand." Said Cordelia quietly, taking her arm from Giles' grasp. "You don't have to worry..."
"It's not about winning, Cordelia, it's about what's at stake. And in this particular scenario you were way more important than winning... I did what I had to do. I'll just deal with the consequences when they happen."
It had never been about winning. When she realised that she loved Angel, Cordelia knew that it wasn't about Buffy any more, not like it had been back in high school - it was about her, and Angel. It was about being happy.
Right now, this - whatever Skip had sent her back to - was about Angel being happy. It was about doing what was right, what she had to.
Angel was more important than winning, she'd just deal with the consequences when they happened...
Part 2The only way she could describe it was... Lead. Feeling like she was filled with lead. Her limbs felt heavy, her heart even heavier and her head couldn't make sense of the fact that she was really considering doing this.
The worst thing? She could still remember the look on his face, in his eyes. Those three words that Connor had whispered were enough to make Angel fall to his knees. The Angel she knew and loved was in another dimension somewhere, grieving for his son.
Grieving for a son that hated him.
In this dimension, Cordelia had the perfect opportunity to take away his pain… And open herself up to a world of her own.
It was easy enough, all she had to do was pick a point in time to change everything, and already, Cordelia knew what that point was.
Angelus.
If she thought about it logically, Buffy and Angel's relationship had fallen into rack and ruin right about the time Angel had gone psycho and started killing their friends. Well, duh, that was enough to drive anyone to the brink of madness and back again.
There were so many questions that needed answered. Did she still have the visions? Her demon-powers? What would happen to her if she did change the past? Her future would be so uncertain...
In a way, that was a good thing. She'd never known what was in store for her before and she'd survived, hadn't she? Ok, barely, but she'd survived.
Pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders, Cordelia felt the wind shift behind her, her blood running cold.
"I know it feels strange, but if an attacker comes at you from behind, you wanna be able to shift all your weight immediately to your other foot so you can spin and kick..."
Putting Angel's advice to good use, Cordelia spun. Her foot lashed out with her assailant, sending him to the ground. "Ok, why the hell are you following m- Angel?!"
She'd never been so pleased - or mortified - to see someone, than she was to see him right now. "Oh my God, I thought you were going to attack me! You're supposed to make noise when you walk, remember?"
Rubbing his chin, Angel got to his feet. When did Cordelia learn to kick like that? "Buffy tells me that too."
Buffy. Of course. Because she was back in Sunnydale and she'd never told him that... LA and their entire friendship had never happened.
"Yeah." Said Cordelia quietly, her gaze flitting down and away from Angel. "Did you want something?"
"You looked... Upset." Angel replied, curtly. It reminded Cordelia of how far he'd come since his Sunnydale-Brood-A-Lot days. Of course then, he probably wasn't scared that she was going to leap on him, like she'd done so many times back here, now... "I thought..."
Does he know? Her heart lifted momentarily and Cordelia's gaze moved upwards, "You thought... What?"
"I thought... Well, you looked upset."
She can remember a thousand times when Angel's told her that she can tell him anything, that they're friends and nothing, no problem, is ever going to be too big or small. It doesn't apply here; the friendship that Cordelia valued more than anything doesn't even exist. To anyone but herself, she's just Cordelia Chase, Queen of Mean - not the actual thing that made her important, not vision-gal, not champion or even half-demon seer. Angel's friend...
She can't call herself that any more and it hurts.
"I did something today," Whispered Cordelia, "And I know that it's for the best but... It hurts. It feels like I've just screwed up everything I thought was real."
For a moment, Angel just stood there, not speaking, just watching her. It was the first time that he'd seen any real depth of emotion from her, anything past bitchiness or faux-sweetness to get what she wanted. "I-I..." He was just not good with the comforting thing. "I've lived a long time, Cordelia. I've seen a lot of different things and a lot of different people struggling to make the best of what they've got. You'll be ok."
Tears welled up in her eyes, making Angel feel instantly guilty. He wasn't good with the people stuff, he hadn't been since he was human, and even then, his social skills had been sketchy at best, unless he was downing ale with a friend. "I'm sorry." He apologised, "I don't usually..."
"Talk to people," Finished Cordelia, sadly, "Right, because... Because you've got two modes with people. Bite and avoid. And that's... Hard to shift." The tears didn't fall, though she thought they would. Instead, Cordelia gathered up the courage to say the words she'd never said, but had thought she always would get the chance to, "Thank you."
Heart pounding in her chest, Cordelia walked away. That wasn't her friend, that was someone else, someone different - someone who had no idea of what he'd have to go through, simply to be the man she knew and loved.
Someone who'd never know the kind of pain that she was feeling right now, because she was going to do what was right, what felt like the right thing, regardless of the consequences...
She'd done what she was supposed to, she'd said goodbye.***
Chiffon, black, silk... Laura Ashley, Neiman Marcus... A closet filled with clothes and shoes in different styles and colours from the very best in designers and for the first time in her 20 years of life, Cordelia Chase hated it all. There'd been times back in LA when she'd wished for the comfort of her old home, the simplicity of it all - no visions, no missions, just money, lots and lots of money... And no demon goo.
Right now, Cordelia would have given up 18 years of having money, 18 years of living in the very lap of luxury, just to go back there. Just to take back the visions and the demon goo and the family that she loved and craved right now.
Fred... She was probably stuck in Pylea, right now... Or about to be sucked into it. Gunn, Wesley... God only knew where they were. Here she was, stuck in Sunnydale, watching the man she loved and had had to let go, continuing on with his relationship with a woman he loved and not knowing that in one moment, everything could shatter and break.
Running a hand tiredly through her hair, Cordelia stepped up to the full length mirror, examining herself. She looked so very different, so... Soyoung. "Naive..." She whispered to her reflection. It was true. Back here, the only thing that had ever worried her was whether her dress was going to give her hives or who her date was to Homecoming and whether their cool factor could ever exceed hers.
Bitch. Queen of Mean. Stick-figure-Barbie... Cordelia smiled fondly, thinking of Gunn, of how many times she'd cursed him for saying that - and for how many times in the past hour she'd wished she could hear it again.
"Cordy?" Spinning round, Cordelia's heart thudded in her chest, even knowing that Angel wasn't standing there.
"Xander? What are you doing here?"
"Well, call me stupid, but... I was worried. You seem, I dunno, more distracted than usual in our make-out closet sessions which is weird. You're usually the one chastising me for my mind not being where it should." He realised he was babbling and shrugged, opening out his arms by way of saying 'hey, I'm a dumbass, but a worried one - put my mind at ease!'.
"Are you okay, Cordy?"
The pause should have told him everything he needed to know. He didn't need to wait for the words even she cringed at. Didn't need to see the look on her face.
"Xander, we need to talk."***
"Listen to what I'm saying." Buffy drove the vampire backwards, a well-aimed foot to the solar plexus catching it off guard, "The only depth of emotion Cordelia Chase is capable of showing is a temper tantrum when someone does something she doesn't like or..." The conversation stilted as she and Angel fought side by side.
She'd left the library shortly after Cordelia had, intending on meeting Angel for the night‘s patrol. Truth be told, she'd been acting weird in the library anyway, but Buffy had put it down to yet another ploy to get Angel, another way to steal him right from under her nose.
"It went deeper than that, Buffy." Said Angel, puzzled, and understandably so, since a tearful Cordelia had just thanked him for something he wasn't even sure he'd done. Frowning, Angel barely registered the thud as he drove the stake through a vampire’s heart. "It wasn't a temper tantrum, there was something really wrong."
"Yeah, only that she can't sink her claws into at least one guy in the whole of-- What?" Noticing the look Angel was giving her, Buffy frowned, "So what am I now, Saint Buffy? Give me one good reason why I should be nice to Cordelia when she's been nothing but downright bitchy to me and the majority of my so-called 'loser' friends."
Raising an eyebrow, Angel went to say something, then thought better of it. "I just... Thought that maybe she could use a friend."
Letting out a sigh, Buffy shook her head, maybe Angel was right. Maybe Cordelia did need a friend.
"Ok, all right, I'll talk to her tomorrow. But if I turn up to patrol tomorrow night with a kitten heel wedged in my forehead, I know who to blame."
Smiling slightly at Buffy's choice of words, Angel felt her hand slide into his, warm and soft. He couldn't put his finger on why Cordelia was so upset and why she seemed to be thanking him for something he hadn't done. It wasn't like his people skills had improved dramatically in the last 24 hours, but she seemed to know what he'd been thinking, even before he'd thought it.
"Hello, earth to Angel?"
His attention snapped back to Buffy, the look on her face one of mild annoyance, "Sorry, I was..."
"Not even here?" Buffy sighed, beginning to think that maybe there really
was something wrong with Cordelia. “I’ll talk to her tomorrow, promise.”
"Come on, I'll walk you home." Said Angel softly, giving her hand a squeeze. "Never know what's out here at night."
Buffy smiled, feeling her stomach settle again. "I smell a rat," She teased, glancing up at him, "Would I be right in thinking that rat wants... Smoochies?"
The corners of Angel's mouth twitched up in a smile, his eyes lightening with an impish humuor that only Buffy could lay claim to seeing.
The slayer beamed, her step light as they made their way back through the cemetery, hand in hand..
"I knew you wanted smoochies."
Part 3"Let's try this again," Said Mr. Gabriel, pointing towards the board, "If A plus B equals C, then C must equal what?"
The response was disappointing. A couple of students shifted nervously in their chairs, Mr. Harris - the usual wisecracker of the group - looked balefully up at the stand-in teacher and then at the dark-haired girl off to his left, before back to the pencil in his hand.
"Ms... Ms, uh..." Glancing down at his lesson plan, Mr. Gabriel frowned slightly. Almost three weeks in Sunnydale and he still didn't know the names of his students, "Ah yes, Ms. Summers?"
"Huh?" Buffy's head snapped up, eyes flitting wildly to the board, puzzled, confused and aware that still, she was flunking math, big style.
"Did
anyone do the reading from last week?"
A hand went up, making Mr. Gabriel smile, "Ah, Ms. Rosenberg, as always..."
"Twenty-five!" The shout came from one of the most surprising of sources.
Turning his head, Mr. Gabriel glanced at the student who'd answered, eyebrow raised. "Ms. Kendall?"
"Well, twenty-five's a good number, right? I mean, it could be..." Said Harmony, giving one of her 'I Don't Really Know The Right Answer, But At Least I tried' grins.
Suppressing a groan, the substitute teacher shook his head, about to launch into why it
wasn't twenty-five and how picking a number, just because it was 'good' wasn't the way algebra worked. There was a set formula, a reason why A plus B equalled C...
Of course, time wasn't on his side. The bell rang out sharply, covered over quickly by the scraping of chairs and the rustle of papers being tossed into book bags. "Read through Chapter 9 for next week!" He called, his request falling on mostly deaf ears.
Out in the hallway, Cordelia watched as her fellow students parted to let her pass, some smiling nervously at her, some avoiding her eyes. Was this really how it had been in high school? Why hadn't she noticed this?
And what the hell was she, royalty? Oh, how she'd fallen from grace...
Her problem today, seemed to be her locker. It was a nice one, as lockers went, still the same as she remembered it - only, this time around, it seemed to not want to open. Cordelia had spent more time that day trying to get her locker open than wondering what it was she was supposed to tell Buffy and Angel about his curse, which had been the most pressing problem on her mind, closely followed by Xander.
The night before had been... Brutal.
And that was putting it mildly.
He hadn't even put up that much of a fight as far as Cordelia was concerned. Asked her why, stood there tight-lipped as she explained that they couldn't be together and that no, this wasn't about Harmony or any of the other Cordette's - this was her, all her. It was her decision and she was sorry.
What was she supposed to say? 'In a few months time I'm going to walk in and find you kissing Willow?' Or the other truth? 'I'm in love with a man you don't even know, not really. He's older than you, by quite a bit. And he makes me happy.'
Sure, that'd go down well.
Or she could go for the funny aneurysm, 'Xander, I'm in love with Angel.'
Even better.
Ten points for originality she supposed - this whole 'I'm from the future' crap.
Jamming her fist into her locker, Cordelia let out a yelp, feeling one of her perfectly manicured nails bend and snap, the locker barely moving as it registered the contact.
"Sturdy things, lockers these days." Said a voice from behind her. "Just don't make 'em like they used to."
"Hey Xander." Slowly, Cordelia turned, taking in his appearance. He looked like hell and that was putting it mildly.
"I'd still like to be friends, Xander."
"I have a problem with that. We never
were friends, Cordelia."
"A-are you okay?" She asked softly, wincing as soon as the words left her mouth.
"Okay? Let's define okay. Okay would be... Not dead, considering the irony of where we live. Okay would be... Not heartbroken."
"I know." She whispered softly, eyes drifting away from his.
"You know? How? You're telling me you know this feeling? I wouldn't have thought you'd had much experience in being dumped."
"Nice shot, Xander. Feel better?"
Sighing, Xander leaned forward and thumped her locker. "Not really no." He said as the door sprang open - almost knocking him to the floor in the process. "Might wanna get the caretaker to look at that..."
"Xander, listen," Started Cordelia, reaching out to take hold of his arm, "I never..."
"You never meant to hurt me. I know that, Cordy. You told me."
Cordelia watched as he walked away, turning back towards her locker. This sucked. This more than sucked - she hadn't wanted to hurt him, not in the least, but how was she supposed to date him knowing what had happened, knowing that she was in love with someone else?
"Cordelia?"
Great, like her day could get worse now.
"Y'know, sometimes, I wonder if Harmony's head is on the right way..." Continued the slayer, softly, clutching an armful of books and folders en-route to her own locker. She watched as slowly, Cordelia turned round. Strangely, Buffy was primed for fight - ready, should the kitten-heel-wedged-in-forehead scenario begin to play. "I wanted to talk to you about something..."
"Let me guess," Said Cordelia, frowning, "Xander. Look, Buffy, no offense but--"
"Not about Xander. I know what happened and as much as I'm not loving the Xander-hurting parts, that has nothing to do with me."
"Oh..." Cordelia looked at Buffy, puzzled, "Well, what is it?"
"Angel..." Buffy watched closely, seeing Cordelia's breath hitch slightly. "He... He told me that he saw you last night, you were upset."
For a moment, Cordelia didn't speak - how could she? Short of blurting out that she loved Angel, Cordelia was at a loss for words.
"I know we haven't been friends, Cordelia, but... Angel seemed to think that there was something really wrong. I just wanted to... Well, I'm here. If you need to talk or anything, y'know?"
Great, thought Cordelia, The one girl I'm supposed to hate, even though she'll never get to know why is offering me a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on.
The familiar Queen C bitch role slid back into play and Cordelia frowned, "What is this, your Rich-Bitch outreach program? Angel caught me at a bad moment last night, okay? We're not friends Buffy, we're not
going to be friends. So take your good intentions and your offers of talking some place else."
Cordelia spun on her heel, intending on leaving and wondering all the while why she'd done that when she felt a hand on her arm, stopping her.
"I don't buy it, Cordelia." Buffy's hand was firm - not hurting, but gripping enough to keep her in place. "When Angel saw you last night..." Buffy faltered, knowing that most of the time, she didn't like Cordelia, but even she wasn't blind, "Whatever it is, you're not alone in this. If I - If we - can help, that means any of us, we will. You know that."
Cordelia sighed, her face softening a moment, "I know that but... Believe me, you're the last person I need help from right now." Buffy's mouth moved to say something, to offer some words of advice or offers of help, but Cordelia cut her off. "It's nothing personal. It's not about you or Angel or Xander, it's just something I need to work through myself, okay? I'm sorry..."
Buffy's grip loosened on her arm and Cordelia walked away, down the corridor, bag thrown over her shoulder. Even though she knew what to do, she had no idea how to approach this - how to say to Buffy and Angel that she knew exactly what was in their future, that she knew, that doing something that felt right together, in consummating what she was sure was a loving relationship, they'd damn each other to a lifetime of torment and pain.
From way back in the corridor, Buffy watched - more sure than ever, that Angel was right. Something really was wrong - and from the growing pit of fear in her stomach, Buffy had the idea that whatever it was, it wasn't good.***
"It was just weird," Said Buffy, looking at Angel, "I mean, sure, she's always been a bitch but she's never apologised for being a bitch, that's just not the Cordelia Chase way."
"Maybe you're being a little hard on her." Angel glanced at Buffy, noting the shocked look on her face. That mightn't have been the best thing to say - ever since he'd known Buffy, Cordelia had been the bane of her life in one way or another - trying to prove herself better than the slayer. The latest had come in the attempt of getting to know him a little better, showing up at the Bronze, talking to him - making him laugh, surprisingly. There was a side to Cordelia that Angel got the feeling not a lot of people saw, a side that he mightn't have noticed if he hadn't spent the last 100 years brooding and watching people.
This last effort had worked. He'd noticed her all right, noticed her to the extent of seeing something in her eyes that he couldn't place, a sadness that had deepened when she'd seen him.
"What?" He continued, "I'm just saying, that's all. Knowing what she knows about the world around her, it's hard not to get sucked into this stuff. It makes you re-evaluate what's important."
"Oo-kay," Said Buffy carefully, "But why now, I mean she's had a couple of months now to get over the fact that vampires and stuff are real, what's the big?" She herself knew that she'd been much like Cordelia back in LA, cared only about herself and which popular guy was hanging off her arm, but why had Cordelia decided that changing now was the right thing to do? No, something else was going on - be it intuition or slayer spidey-senses, Buffy knew.
"Maybe she realised that--"
"Did you hear that?" Buffy interrupted sharply. Patrol had been quiet tonight, no vamps or otherworldly uglies for the pair to work out frustration on.
Angel's body immediately straightened, his eyes darkening. He pointed to the clearing ahead of them, seeing a shadow move a second before Buffy did. "Over there..."
The pair moved forward, actions mirroring the others as it did so many times on patrol. The scene they came across however, was enough to make them both stop and gawp. For Angel, it was the exact same kick she'd perfected on him when he'd come across her the night before - her body spinning in a near-perfect circle, leg outstretched, connecting with the side of the vampires head and knocking it to the floor.
The fight wasn't over and in the split second that Buffy and Angel watched, Cordelia was taken off guard, legs swept from underneath her and knocked on to her back with a grunt of pain. Right after that, Buffy moved - the vampire hovering over Cordelia, fangs bared and glistening in the light of the cemetery.
Angel growled, hauling the vampire up by its neck as Buffy, ever resourceful, slammed her stake right through his heart, coughing as her breath caught a little of the dust the vampire had left behind.
Stooping slightly, Angel extended a hand and looked at Cordelia, frowning, "Are you all right?"
"Do I look all right?" She snapped, "I think I broke something."
"And there's the Cordelia we all know and love," Said Buffy dryly, "What're you doing out here anyway? It's a cemetery, it's night-time and-- Oh God, you weren't trying to..." Her voice tapered off and Buffy balked, "Were you?"
"Was I what?"
"Trying to get yourself y'know..."
"What, killed?" Cordelia looked at her incredulously, "Are you crazy? Actually, don't answer that. I came to see you two, I kinda... Well I have something to tell you and it's going to sound weird and strange but... This is a Hellmouth, so you're used to weird and strange." The logical part of her was reminding her that she was throwing away everything she knew and loved about the future, but that it was the right thing to do.
Her heart told a different story. Her heart was breaking, snapping clean in two and reminding her that without her, without what she was doing now, Angel was going to lose everything. In a way though, Angel was gaining something now too - something he'd wanted for a long time.
Buffy.
"So, spill...?" Said Buffy, cautiously, "What's wrong?"
"Can we go somewhere?" Asked Cordelia, softly, "I don't feel like sharing this in the middle of a cemetery with vamp dust all over me..."
"Sure, we can go to the library. Giles is expecting me after--"
"No!" Said Cordelia, a little too quickly. Giles had warned against this very thing she was going to do, told her that it would be detrimental and a whole other host of big words that were extremely off-putting.
It hadn't mattered.
She owed it to Angel to do this. Even if this Angel in front of her wasn't
her Angel, she owed this to him, owed this to the person she knew and loved in the future.
"Look, no offence and all - I mean, I like Giles as much as the next stuffy British person, but I really don't want to be blurting this out in front of him." Said Cordelia.
"We can use my place," Offered Angel, glancing between the two women.
Cordelia nodded and started walking, ahead and out of the cemetery. Suddenly, she stopped, realising that she shouldn't really know that Angel had lived near the Bronze, her now hadn't known that - and damn, wasn't that confusing - not knowing what she was and wasn't supposed to know now. It wouldn't matter, soon. In a few minutes, she could tell them what she knew and then she could go back to being... Just Cordelia. She could forget about Angel and her feelings, she could say goodbye because that, that right there, was the right thing to do.
"Something wrong?" Angel and Buffy stopped next to her, both curious as to what she'd seen or heard. She shook her head though and the trio were off again, the uncomfortable silence between them growing. Reluctant though she was to blurt it out in the cemetery, Cordelia wasn't about to blurt it out on the street - they'd have her committed!
Of course, they'd probably have her committed anyway - but... How could she be lying about something like this? How could she know so much about Angel's past without being told about it? And to her knowledge, they'd never shared more than brief conversation together in
this time.
"We're here."
Apparently, more time had passed than Cordelia had realised because there they were and in the next few minutes, Cordelia was damning herself to a future without Angel. She was changing Angel's past and in the process, changing her own life, maybe forever.
"Hello, earth to Cordy...? Hey!" The barest of emotions passed across Cordelia's face and Buffy was stunned, realising that she'd never seen such raw hurt, not from Cordelia, not ever.
"Cordelia...?" Angel looked at her, his door opened. Her head snapped up then and Angel was left watching, puzzled, as she slipped underneath his arm and into his apartment. He would have sworn at that moment that he'd seen tears glistening in her eyes, if Buffy hadn't coughed and broke him from his stare.
"I don't like this," Admitted Buffy, glancing up at Angel, "Spidey senses doing the wacky right now."
If he was honest, Angel didn't like this either - what could be that important, that shocking, that she wouldn't want to say it in front of Giles. By all accounts, the Watcher was someone the others looked up to and even though Cordelia didn't spend a lot of time with the man, or in fact Buffy and her friends, he'd have thought that Giles might have been the person she'd chosen to go to first.
"There's nothing much we can do," He said softly, trying to reassure her, "Except listen and see if she needs help. That's all we can give her right now."
Nodding, Buffy went inside, her gaze immediately falling on Cordelia who was pacing the room, hands wringing nervously. She'd never looked more vulnerable to Buffy then, as though every a wall had crumbled and left behind someone else, someone... Different.
"Cordy, listen, whatever it is--"
"Actually," She interrupted, voice taut with an emotion neither of her audience could place, "This is your turn to listen." She paced again, telling herself that this was the right thing and swallowing the lump in her throat, before turning to them, tears glistening in her eyes, "I've practised this speech so many times over the past couple of days and nothing I want to say seems to want to come out right." She laughed, the nervousness leaving a sour taste in her mouth.
She only had to look at Angel to know she was doing the right thing. This was where he belonged, in Sunnydale, with Buffy, not with her... Not with a broken future and a dead son.
The pair remained silent and Cordelia wished one of them would speak up - take away her spotlight. This rested on her shoulders though, this was her mission, the one thing she owed Angel even though this Angel wasn't hers and now, never would be.
This was her fight - only it felt like she was losing.
"It sounds crazy. Even as I think it, it sounds crazy, and then I think that maybe Xander would be better off here, because he'd maybe at least have seen enough wacky Star Trek episodes to crack a funny joke 'cause really? I'm coming up with nothing funny..."
"Cordy...? What is it?" Asked Angel, softly, starting to wonder if maybe he was getting better at this whole placating, reassuring thing.
"I'm... I'm from the future." Said Cordelia, continuing hurriedly, as if maybe telling them it all in one breath would make it more believable. "God, this is crazy but... I am. I have to tell you some stuff, about my past, your future... And it's not all pretty."
"Oo-kay..." Said Buffy, "Did you hit your head when that vamp knocked you down?"
"Why do people keep asking me that?!" She snapped, "No, no bumps to the head. Look, there's only so much I can tell you without completely ruining your life but--" Her gaze shifted to Angel, "In the future, we're friends. Good friends, actually. And let's just say that a road you take here leads to badness that I'm willing to prevent in the future."
His eyes darkened considerably, worry flooding his normally collected features. "Badness?"
"Badness," She nodded, unwilling to divulge anything more than that. "I'm telling you this because we're friends and because I don't like to see you hurting more than you need to. You can check information with Giles, research your history if you want to - get the deal with your curse - anything you need to back up what I'm telling you is fine with me... But you have to listen and you have to promise me that you'll at least hear me out before you send for the men with the white jackets, deal?"
There was a collective pause, Buffy and Angel glancing between each other. There was nothing in Cordelia's voice to suggest malice or mocking. Nothing to suggest that she had gone crazy - whatever it was, Cordelia believed what she was saying wholeheartedly and the pair had no choice but to listen.
"Okay," Said Buffy softly, crossing to perch on the end of Angel's desk, "We're listening."
Oddly enough, the moments where Cordelia had started to wonder whether she was doing the right thing had started to slip away. The moments where indecision filled her and she was left with unanswered questions were few and far between - this, right here, was the greatest thank you she could ever give Angel, the best ticket to his redemption. This was her mission, her responsibility.
"I guess that means it's my turn to talk, huh?"
Angel, seeing that the words weren't coming easy for her and that she was stumbling over what to say, glanced at Buffy then back at Cordelia, "We're friends... How?"
"Well uhm, you moved away to Los Angeles, not long after we - meaning Buffy and the rest of the gang - did the whole apocalypse thing again. I was there and you saved me from a vampire called Russell Winters. You hired me to-- Well, be your secretary."
"I have a business?"
"You're a vampire detective," She smiled, "We help the hopeless, that was our motto. I made that up."
Feeling his lips quirk up into a smile, Angel's gaze settled on Buffy, she obviously wasn't liking this too much. If he lived in LA - he was assuming that either she still lived in Sunnydale or the other, much worse option. "What about Buffy...?"
"Oh, she's still little Miss Likes To Fight, attending college, all good." Wisely, Cordelia left off the 'hey, you died' part after seeing the look on Buffy's face.
"I don't understand," Said Buffy, having mulled it over, "If Angel lives in LA and you two are friends, then why-- Well, why isn't he still here?"
Cordelia sighed, running a hand tiredly through her hair. "That's the not so nice part. You and Angel, well... On your 17th birthday, you and Angel, you uhm..."
"We what?" Asked Buffy, growing agitated, "Have a fight?"
"Y-you make love," Cordelia said softly, feeling her cheeks flush a little, "It's wonderful, it's perfect happiness... And it makes Angel lose his soul. In that one moment, he forgets all the acts he committed while he was Angelus and his curse is broken."
"No soul...? But that would make him..."
"The most feared vampire in all of the vampiric mythology, save for maybe Dracula, if you believe the hype." Said Cordelia softly, eyes drifting to Angel's. She recognised the look there, had seen it a thousand times in Angel.
Guilt.
"That's crazy..." Said Buffy, "I mean... I know the rules of the curse. Why the hell would they bring Angelus back just because Angel's happy?"
"I don't make the rules, Buffy," Replied Cordelia, arms folded across her chest now, "I'm just telling you what I know. As far as I can gather, the Gypsies don't want Angel to feel a moment of happiness. The very second he does, bam, leather pants."
"Then we'll find a way to stop it. You're not telling me this is my future, how can it be? Losing Angel... I couldn't..."
"That's why I'm telling you all this, Buffy. So you don't make the mistakes that you made the last time. This way, you can be together. It's not much but it's together - and there are no dead people in your future..."
"Dead?" Angel's eyes met Cordelia's, his own dark and curious. "I kill someone?" He didn't even bother hiding the disgust or the pain.
"Not you, Angel. Angelus." Cordelia said softly, then smiled a little, "I've lost count of the times I've said that to you back home. I think you're starting to believe it and then I'm tossed back to my 17-year-old self where guilt is still the new black with you."
"Cordelia, stop beating about the bush... Who?" Asked Buffy, voice strained. Was it Willow... Or Xander...? Giles? Did she really need to know this? This whole damned thing was hard enough without hearing this too. "Y'know what? It doesn't matter... I don't think I want to know."
Cordelia smiled, softly, "I don't think I'd want to know either." Taking a deep breath, she looked at the pair, mouth opening and then closing again as she saw the look on Angel's face. She waited, patiently, letting him digest whatever thought it was that was running round his head.
"We're friends." Said Angel quietly, "And... And Angelus was freed? I don't understand..."
Cordelia frowned slightly, wishing she had all these answers for him, "Believe me Angel, this way is better than finding out the conventional way."
"Conventional way?"
"Yeah," She nodded, "You comshukking with Buffy, the world as we know it falling to pieces, her sending you to hell and leaving town for three months. Conventional, painful - and leading to the untimely break-up of the two of you."
Mildly ashamed of the bitterness in her voice, Cordelia continued quickly. "I'm doing this for a reason and it's not because I don't like my future. You're my best friend, Angel and I love you - in the strictly friendly way," She lied, "Seeing what happens - what's already happened - the pain you have to go through? It's not worth it. I was given an opportunity and sent back here to help change your past. You deserve this. You deserve to be happy with Buffy."
Letting that sink in, Cordelia sighed. He deserved to be happy - but that didn't mean with her - that meant with Buffy. That meant everything that Cordelia hadn't allowed herself to think over the past few days. It meant no family, no Angel, no Gunn or Fred, Wesley or Connor.
Cordelia was realising just what she'd done in doing the 'right' thing and something inside started to hurt.
"As much fun as this is, me baring every emotion I have to you and telling you that you have to put a normal relationship on hold for a while, I'm gonna go. If you have any questions - at least ones I can answer without putting the entire universe in jeopardy, ala Back To The Future - then... I'll be around, okay?"
She waited for a moment, giving them the chance to ask any questions or whatever, knowing for certain that she didn't want to be here for the fall out. They'd go straight to Giles, who would go straight to her with his rants and his 'Do you realise what you've done Cordelia's...' And all the while, she'd still have to deal with the fact that she was a 21-year-old stuck in her 17 year old self not knowing where her life was going now because she'd done the right thing.
Slipping past them, she gave a brief, trying-to-be-supportive smile to Buffy - and a glance for Angel, finally out in the open air, coat clasped around her shoulders. She could tell herself she'd done the right thing and be convinced. She could walk with her head held high to her house knowing that Angel would be proud - that all the people who'd ever called her selfish, all those people that hadn't known her at all had been wrong - because she'd given up everything she knew and loved in her world just to make Angel happy.
She could do all those things but she couldn't stop the tears, nor could she stop the pain inside her chest - that pain that seemed to keep growing and growing.
Lifting a hand, Cordelia swiped at the tears, pumps hitting the pavement as she walked. She didn't hear the footsteps behind her, or her name being called. Barely even registered as the shadow fell across her path. When finally he grabbed her arm, Cordelia looked up, ready to fight and immediately having to settle as she saw who it was. "Something wrong, Angel?" She asked, trying to maintain some kind of dignity.
He looked puzzled, like she'd just kicked him - like she'd took away his safety net. "Cordelia, why did you do that? If you like your world so much then why change it?"
"I told you," She replied softly, "I changed it because you're my friend and because you deserve this. You deserve to be happy."
"What about you?"
"What about me? I'm still here aren't I?"
"What about what you deserve? Your happiness?" Asked Angel, hand still gripping her arm gently.
You have to be cruel to be kind, Cordelia. That was something her Grandmother had once told her - but she'd taken that literally. She'd been cruel to be cruel, never to be kind. No, this time, she'd have to pretend. She'd always been good at that - pretend the visions weren't hurting, pretend that things weren't getting on top of her.
"Hey, maybe this is my second chance," She smiled, the patented post-vision smile, the 'I'm fine, leave me alone now' smile that she'd grown accustomed to. "Maybe... Maybe this is my second chance at stardom or making up for my past, getting my own redemption. I'll be fine Angel. We both will be." Gently, she extracted her arm from his grip, smiling up at him, "Go on back to Buffy, Angel..." She said, the bitterness in her voice simply not there any more. "I'll be okay..."
It was a lie. A blatant lie - and even as Angel watched her walk away he knew it. He'd told Buffy he needed an answer, needed to know the answer to that question - and he'd never even asked. Sighing, Angel turned away from her and walked back to his apartment. Walked back to Buffy.
A moment after that and the sounds of quiet sobbing filled the street. Cordelia Chase sat, hunched over on a bench, crying gently into her hands.
Maybe she had done the right thing, maybe this was for the greater good - but that certainly didn't mean that it was painless.