Go TeamC/A
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Part 6 A phone call. That was all it had taken. Prior to this, the three friends would have agreed that the most terrifying phone call they could receive would be that of a friend, screaming that something had happened to another of their loved ones. That they should get there quick, that all was not well.
However, certain events had changed the course of their life and nothing could prepare them for the icy chill that crept up their spine at the phone call. So, what made it worse? The fact that there was no sounds on the other end? No sounds of a friend crying, screaming or even whimpering? Or the fact that they'd known? The fact that they'd been waiting for this phone call to break the already fragile bonds of friendship that had survived death, destruction and the knowledge that a friend was sacrificing herself for them every single night without fail.
The phone call came at 9.22pm. The scream came only a minute later. 9.23pm.
A warm, almost too warm June night. A friend had already limped down into the relative warmth of the lobby, beaten to a point where he was almost unrecognisable, Charles Gunn had collapsed in a seat, whispered one word and one word only.
Angelus. And then he'd continued, "Got enough hits on him so Cordy can have a night off..." He growled, wincing as Wesley touched already tender ribs. "Ain't no way he's going to Cordelia." He'd rounded up everyone of his friends, both ex and current, enticing them with building a reputation of taking out the Scourge of Europe. Surprisingly, most, if not all, of his friends had survived. Angelus had been intent on killing one person and one person only. And that was him. Was he phased by this? Hell, no. It was a chance to take out the bastard who was hurting his friend only... it didn't really work like that.
He'd survived. Only so had Angelus.
"Are you sure you don't need a hospital?" Asked Fred, tenderly, kneeling by Gunn's side.
"Naw, I'll be fine." He smiled, "Just a little sore for a few decades but fine..."
"You were stupid, you could have been killed." Said Buffy, frowning.
Gunn nodded, "I'll buy that."
"You should have..."
9.22pm. The phone penetrated the hushed talking of the lobby. All eyes swivelled to the counter. "Might wanna... Get that Wes..." Choked out Gunn.
"Me, why me?" He asked.
"You're closer."
This was silly. Wesley stepped over to the phone, picking it up. "Angel Investigations, we help the helpless."
As he waited for the voice, Wesley paled. The voice never came. Perhaps it was a prank call, he thought, determined not to believe the worst, but he knew. "We'll be there." He whispered, hanging up the phone.
Being stuck in a Hell dimension where you were forced to slavery, well, it bit. Big time. Fred knew this. She knew it while she was there. Coming out, had been a task in itself for the young woman but... She dealt, and why? Because she saw Cordelia Chase do it every day. She saw her dealing with Kyerumption. She saw her dealing with the naughty feelings for Angel. She saw her dealing with vision after vision after vision and she did it all with a smile on her face.
What Fred supposed, was that Cordelia was her big sister. She'd never had a sister. Or brothers to speak of. But Fred knew that Cordelia was the younger, kinder, cooler version of her Mom - the one you could talk about sex with. That was a sister. Only, it wasn't anymore. Because Fred knew. Perhaps being in a Hell dimension, coming out of it AND working alongside Cordelia should have taught her that hoping for the best was her only option or... What else was there? Angel had said it himself... "A life without hope is a living Hell." Cordelia had none.
"You should go to her." Said Fred quietly, looking at the floor. "I'll stay. With Connor."***
He'd already done this twice and it never got easier. For Angel though, this was the 'easy' part. He remembered nothing. Only waking up on a street corner, beaten almost to a pulp and blood that wasn't only his own on his hands, on his body.
And there she was, his one saving grace. His light at the end of the tunnel. In his mind's eye, he could see her. His Cordy. Cordelia Chase, the woman he loved. But... Something was wrong. It was like watching a movie...
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
And he watched because he had no choice, because these were memories he'd been given by a soulless monster...
Weep not for the memory.
"No!" A sob broke from his lips. And a laugh from inside, a cruel laugh. Because instead of breaking Cordelia, like he'd wanted to, instead, Angelus had succeeded in breaking Angel. He ran. Angel ran. His feet treading on the gravel floor until he crashed into her apartment. "CORDELIA!" He yelled, "Cordelia!"
Don't let your life pass you by.
He smelt the blood before he got to the door and Angel stumbled, falling, landing right in the doorway, staring into the stunned faces of Buffy, Wesley and Gunn.
Buffy was the first to step forward, "Angel?"
We let them slip away from us when things got bad.
"Buffy... Please..." He whispered, tears sliding down his cheeks, "She's... Tell me she's... Did I?" He asked, desperately.
I'm standing on the edge of something much to deep.
"There's an ambulance on its way." Said Wesley, his face ashen. "I believe she'll be okay..."***
I almost wish I'd killed him. I almost wish that this time, I sent him to Hell again. Almost. I wonder if anyone knows how hard it is, looking upon him and knowing that because of the acts Angelus commited on her, he blames himself. Cordelia was taken to LA General. We hovered. The Doctors say we can't do anything. If she wakes up, it's of her own accord now. A life without hope is a living Hell.
Angelus broke a few of her ribs. Punctured her lung... But other than that, she's okay.
I'm so tired, I can't sleep. I'm standing on the edge of something much to deep.
She's resting now. She's gotten peace from Angelus, wherever she's drifting. Maybe she's dreaming of him. Maybe wherever Cordy is, she and Angel are together, happy. I hope so. The things Angelus did to me, were... Barbaric. But the things he did to her were much worse and she never spoke about it once. She never complained, or cried out, even when she should have. Angelus got his wish, he's broken her. But he's also broken Angel too. He's strong. He has to be, for Connor's sake. But I see it in his eyes. He's close to giving up and I have to go home. I can't help any more. I've tried to reach Angel, Cordelia... So have the others, but even a Slayer has to admit defeat and Dawn needs me too.
I wish I could do something, for her, for Angel. I wish I'd killed him, then he wouldn't have to deal with this...***
How clearly I first saw you, your smile just like the sun.
The first day I saw it, the first day I really knew how much I needed you was when I came back from Sri Lanka. You smiled, you cried. I loved you. I can't help but wonder what we'd be doing now...
I broke my heart today. Just like I do every other day, even though it's not beating. Our son spoke his first word. 'Mama.' I could picture your face as he said it. I could see your eyes welling up with tears, that perfect hand clasping over your mouth and then you hugging him. It was clear as one of our movies, playing in my head. When I was brought back to the present, Connor was crawling around your hospital bed, babbling 'Mama' over and over again and your hand was still clasped in mine. Limp. Lifeless. No fight left in you.
It's funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word
Though we are screaming inside oh we can't be heard
I don't blame you, Cordelia. I don't hate you, how could I? I even understand. But I hate myself. How you must hate me... A life without hope is a living Hell. Wesley told me that through Connor, you kept going. You wouldn't let him hurt your family, so you made a deal with the devil...
Once there was a darkness a deep and endless light
Gave me everything you had oh, you gave me life
Truth be told? I'm terrified. I'm terrified you'll wake up and hate me. I'm terrified you won't and I'll never know.
Not for the first time in my life, I'm lost. I've thought about walking in the sunlight - and it makes me ashamed. Because I know what you went through and survived. I'm weak. It's not the demon that needs killing in me. It's the man. Without you, I'm weak...
Part 7"Where do you want me?" She asked quietly, her shoulders slumped forward. She sat on the couch, not looking up at him, she found it didn't hurt as much if she didn't look at him. However, Angelus, fed up with her new ploy of guarding herself - had decided to try a new tack. Give her hope and then take it away. Certainly, he'd done this before - but not to the magnitude he was about to do it now.
"Cordy... I... I don't remember." He stumbled to his knees in her apartment, falling to the floor. "What happened?"
*Angel thinks HE was the World's Best Actor? Think again, Soul Boy.*
For the first time in weeks, she found herself daring to hope, daring to believe that the voice she heard was really Angel's. Of course it was possible - in her wildest dreams, so why not here? Why indeed? She looked up to see that Angel was shaking heavily. Gingerly, she stood up, wincing at the pain in her side. "Angel?" She whispered.
His arms clasped around her stomach, hurting her although unwittingly (so she thought, anyway). "Cordy... I... I remember being with you and then... Oh God... Oh God no..." He pulled back from her like he'd been burned and Cordelia's body instantly recoiled. "Angel, I had to."
*Give her hope, a sense of peace, then break her.*
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... But I couldn't see them die..."
*It's working. She's crying.* Angelus smirked - and it was then that, to his satisfaction, he saw the light behind her eyes die. "Y-you... Angel?" She whispered, her voice hoarse, daring to hope that maybe... Just maybe...
But she knew. Fate delivered a crushing blow once again and Cordelia was left standing in its wake. "You're not Angel..." She whispered.
He laughed. Harshly. Cordelia looked at him, "Was it fun?" She asked quietly.
"What do you think?" Smirked Angelus.
Cordelia sighed, "Where do you want me?" She whispered. *I think you're a bastard. I think I hate you. I think I want to kill you. But mostly? I don't think. Because thinking means I realise that what I'm doing is wrong, so terribly wrong. Thinking makes me realise I'm not okay with this. And thinking makes me realise that right now? Angel hates me. So I don't think.* Thought Cordelia and then sighed. So much for not thinking...
What they'd noticed most of all was that since Angel's return, he wouldn't meet their eyes. Each and every time he looked everywhere but, avoiding questioning gazes, looks of sympathy, looks of sorrow... Even anger. He didn't want to see. They could yell, scream, shout - hell, they could sit and ignore him if they wanted to but... Whatever they were feeling, Angel felt it too. Not a minute went by when he didn't hate himself, berate himself for acts he committed as Angelus, perhaps unfairly because he couldn't have stopped it...
He sat at her bedside, his fingers locked with hers, just staring. "I think Connor's teething again. He's getting cranky and Fred said he was like this when I..." Angel stopped. When he what? Turned evil and raped her, beat her, broke her? He had the memories of Angelus taking her in ways he'd probably only taken willing vampire fledglings, eager to move up the ranks of the group. Ways he remembered him taking Darla. The difference being, Darla and the fledglings had been WILLING. Cordelia had not. He recalled Cordelia's horror when Angelus was tender, making her body react to him and yet he never blamed her, for how could he?
"Or maybe he just misses his Mommy." Said Angel, tears welling up in his eyes. He didn't cry, not easily anyway. For over the course of what seemed a thousand lifetimes he'd seen and caused many hurtful, horrible things to happen. He'd wondered once, if perhaps he was getting immune to it. If he saw more violence, did that mean he became immune to it? He stared at the clock on the wall, then back down at Cordelia, when a presence at his side appeared. "Wesley."
"Angel... How is she?"
"Same. I spoke to the Doctor."
"Oh... And..."
"He said that... The longer it takes for her to wake up, the worse it'll get." He sighed.
Wesley closed his eyes briefly, "Angel, you mustn't blame yourself for this..."
"So, who else do I blame? Her?" He asked.
"No... There's no one to blame, Angel it's just..."
"You want to know why I slept with her?" He asked, not waiting for an answer, "Because I wanted to FEEL. Because since the moment she told me she was dying, I was numb. She was numb. She wanted to feel too. I thought I knew everything. I thought it would *never* be perfect happiness, I knew it would be perfect despair because how could I be happy when I knew she was dying? In the end, I lost everything." He said quietly. "I lost the only thing I was concerned with keeping."
"Angel..."
"Wesley, I know." Said the vampire, "I know that you're all concerned but..."
"No, Angel..."
"Look, when I..."
"ANGEL!" He hissed.
The heart monitor had started to beep faster, Cordelia's body tensed and she was yanked out of the coma darkened by nightmares by... A vision. "No, no!" She screamed. Angel grabbed her to keep her from falling from the bed and gently stroked her hair as the vision ended. "Cordy?"
For a few seconds, everything was normal again. She was normal Cordy with the visions... When Cordelia opened her eyes, he sat holding her in his arms, like he'd done so many times before. "Demon, it was..."
Her body tensed again, Angel thinking she was in the throes of another vision instantly loosened his grip and she pulled back, scooted out of his arms, this time falling out of the bed and stumbling to the other side of the room. "No..." She whispered, "Please..."
"Cordy, it's me." He said gently, standing up and watching her eyes widen with fear, her body almost fold in on itself reflexively.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" She whispered, her voice hoarse, her body trembling. "I know you love doing this... Telling me you're him, pretending but... Please... I can't..."
Angel's heart twisted, the knife curving in deeper. He stared at her for a second, "Cordy, I'm sorry." He whispered, "I'm sorry for what he did... I'm sorry that... I'm sorry that I jeopardized what we had..."
"You're NOT him... You've played this card before, remember? Just before you killed Gunn..." She shook her head, furiously, "I won't buy it... I won't, I won't..."
"Cordelia?" The soft spoken voice alerted her to Wesley's presence and she looked up, into soft blueish green eyes. "Come here a second?" He said gently, holding out his hand.
Cordelia shook her head, "N-no... Don't..." She said, disoriented. His hand stayed in the same place. "Please?" He asked gently.
Cordelia took it and walked slowly, painfully as Wesley led her to the door of her room. Sitting outside on two of the plastic hospital chairs were Gunn and Fred, in a relatively happy moment (considering the circumstances) playing Rock, Paper, Scissors - of which Fred was winning 3 - 2.
"You're letting me win!" She laughed, "Is it 'cause I'm a girl?"
"No," He said, winking at her, "It's 'cause uh... Okay, yeah it's 'cause you're a... Cordelia?"
"I'm pretty sure I'm not a Cordelia." Said Fred, confused, "I mean, Cordelia's all cute and sexy and stuff and... OHH! Cordelia!" She jumped up and looked at her friend, "Cordelia?"
"Uhm... Yeah, hey..." Whispered the brunette, staring at Gunn.
"You look like you seen a Ghost, Barbie..." Said Gunn gently, as tears slipped down Cordelia's cheeks.
"He... He told me you were dead."
Gunn shook his head, "Nah, takes more than that to get rid of me..." He grinned.
Cordelia nodded, "I... I should... Go back... Inside..."
The pair at the door nodded, "It's nice to have you home." Said Fred, happily.
Cordelia went back into her room, being led by Wesley, "Uhm... How long was I... Asleep?" She asked, sitting down on the bed.
"29 days." Said Angel and Wesley simultaneously.
"Cordy I..." Angel stopped, she'd asked him not to call her Cordy but... This time, she didn't say anything, just looked at him, a pained look in her eyes, which almost broke his heart but... She was looking at him. "Wesley, can I talk to Angel?" She whispered.
She'd called him Angel. He heaved a sigh of relief and nodded, stepping outside and pulling the door shut behind him, smiling slightly at Gunn and Fred.
She kept wringing her hands. She was nervous, Angel realised. Gently, he stepped forward, before stopping, "C-can I?" He asked, gesturing to the bed next to her. Cordelia nodded, "Angel, when I was... Wherever I was. It wasn't all good... But it wasn't all bad either... When I was asleep... I remembered something." She waited for him to sit down and continued, "I think that I probably only paid attention because it was Ms. Miller's class... English, back in High School. We were reading Romeo and Juliet and she said... The choices we make have consequences. Sometimes, what we think is right turns out to be wrong and... At other times it's vice-versa." Cordelia's voice choked, a lump rising in her throat, "And... And other times there are two, three, or a million choices that could be made, but only one that leads to happiness." She whispered, "She told us it was rare to find that choice. I know that... What I did... It mightn't have been right. I know that you probably hate me for it but... I made a choice." Cordelia looked at the floor, "My choice? Was my friends. I don't know what the consequences are yet but..."
Using his fingers, Angel tilted her chin up, made her look at him. Cordelia immediately flinched. "S-sorry, it's just he..."
Angel sighed, "I don't hate you." He said softly. "You ended up carrying a bad choice I made on your shoulders and you did what you thought was right..."
"Angel?"
He looked at her, placing his hand upon hers, "What?"
"I'm scared." She whispered, "I don't want to lose you."
"You won't... I'll never let him hurt you again..."
"Not that way." She whispered, "I just... I don't know where we go from here..."
Part 8
I feel like a freak. They're all walking round on eggshells, thinking that I'm going to break. So, these are my consequences, huh? My friends never acting the same with me again?
Fred keeps looking at me, then at him, then saying in that meek little voice, "How do you feel Cordy?" And that's when I snap. I'm still in hospital (tests, they say) but I'm fine. I'm a little tired and the nightmares haven't stopped but I'm fine.
Oh, and then there's Gunn and Wesley - instead of them falling over themselves to be nice to Fred, catch her attention it's now, "Cordy, can we we get you anything? How do you feel today? Visions? No, good. Everything's going to be fine."
And so, we come to Angel. The perpetual brood. He looks so haunted all the time but now it's getting frustrating. I feel like I have to pretend to be fine or they worry more. You want a typical conversation? Here:
Wesley: Hey.
Me: Hey.
Wesley: How are you holding up?
Me: Same as the last time you asked me which was, oh look, ten minutes ago. *big smile*
Want another one?
Fred: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Fred: So, how...
Me: Fine.
Fred: How did you know what I was going to ask?
Me: Because you asked me two minutes ago. *big smile*
And then there's this.
Angel: Hey, Cordy.
Me: Hey, Angel.
Angel: How do you feel?
Me: Fine.
Angel: Are you sure?
Me: Yep, I'm fine. *big smile*
I'm exhausted from being FINE all the time. My face is stretched into a permanent smile that has to get wider every time they ask or they'll think there's something wrong! I can't wait to go home...***
"WHAT?" Cordelia looked at Angel, Wesley, Fred and Gunn, shaking her head. "No!"
"Cordy, it's not that we think you're incapable it's just..."
"You think I'm incapable." Finished Cordelia, "Look at me, I'm FINE... I want to go home, back to my apartment, back to my Ghostie - BACK TO MY LIFE!" She said, shaking her head again. "I know you guys are worried about me but..."
"But what?" Said Gunn.
"You can't protect me forever!" Said Cordelia, then looked at Angel, "Well, you could... But, I'm fine."
"You always say that!" Said Fred, "Even when you're not, you say you're fine!"
"And what do you expect? You ask me every two minutes!" Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "I want to get back into the swing of things, I don't want Angelus dominating my life."
Angel winced. Can the hurt face, Brood Boy. Thought Cordelia, sighing. "Guys, you're making it too hard." She said quietly.
"What's that supposed to mean." Asked Gunn, frowning.
"I mean..." Cordelia faltered, "I mean, you're making me have to PRETEND to be fine when sometimes, I'm not. I don't want you worrying about me, this is just another hurdle in this thing I call life."
"So, you're not fine..." Said Fred, "See, we knew!"
"I'm not going to the hotel." Said Cordelia, "I'm going home."
"You bloody well aren't!" Said Wesley, "You're still weak..."
"I bloody well am!" Retorted Cordelia, "Guys, you have to stop fussing. All I want to do is forget it happened and YOU won't let me!"
"You have to deal with this." Replied Wesley, "It's not something you can just 'get over' or 'forget' - you have to talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it. Talking means remembering and I clearly remember stating that I want to forget. Stop making this the biggest thing in my life! I want to move on. If I want to repress, I'll repress. Okay?"
"Bottling up your feelings is..."
"Something that I'm going to do!" Said Cordelia, frowning. "I *won't* let him break me. I won't let him have the satisfaction of wearing me down. I'm Cordelia Chase, damnit!" Cordelia winced, yelling hurt. Her ribs were still tender where he'd broken them.
Angel sighed, "Cordelia..."
"Angel, don't." Said Cordelia. "Okay? Just don't."***
Wheeling her up to her apartment in the wheelchair provided by the hospital, Angel kept glancing at her every so often. How could she stand to be here? After all he'd done...
As they pushed open the door, she was greeted with a banner, brightly coloured, balloons and food all set out on the table, along with a little present.
Welcome Home Cordelia
Cordelia started to laugh and looked up at Angel, "You guys?" She asked.
Angel shook his head, "Nope, that would be Dennis." He said, smiling.
A small gift floated towards her, with a few cards.
"What the..."
Open it. The first card flipped over, was then discarded for the second, I can't give you a real one... So I thought I'd buy you this.
When Cordelia opened the present, tears welled up in her eyes and she looked up, "Dennis!" It was a little teddy bear in a box with its arms outstretched. Written across the top of it were the words, "I'm A Hug!"
"It's beautiful!" She whispered softly, giggling.***
When her friends had left for the night, albeit reluctantly, Cordelia sat down on the chair watching as the plastic bag floated round the room, clearing up things from the night's party that had lasted WAY beyond its time. It was 3am, Cordelia was tired. "Dennis? I'm going to bed..." She whispered, yawning.
She turned to leave, when a rapping on the wall caught her attention. When Cordelia turned, she looked at the message Dennis was holding up, "If you're not okay, it's okay. You don't have to be strong all the time."
Cordelia smiled, "Yeah, I know." She said softly, "Thanks..."
She padded into her bedroom, taking a deep breath, glancing at the bed.
"Who am I?" He growled as he thrust into her, repeatedly.
Cordelia sobbed, his name pushing its way out of her mouth.
Cordelia winced, looking at the floor. ~You're Cordelia Chase. You can do this.~ Slowly, she went over to her bed and stood there for a while...
Dennis stood watching her at the door. She was far from okay. It seemed like since she'd returned the smile had remained plastered on her face for all to see but... It wasn't real. How could it be? He wished he was... Well, there, properly, the way she needed him to be. Dennis went back through to get his pieces of paper and quickly wrote on one, going back to the bedroom, "Want to sleep on the couch?" He showed her the paper, watching as she considered but she shook her head and the respect Dennis held for a woman he loved grew tenfold, "Gotta get used to it sometime." She smiled, "I'm not ready to give you up just yet, Phantom Dennis." She teased.
Dutifully, the ghost left the room as Cordelia got undressed, waiting a while before going back inside and hanging up her clothes, seeing her lying, pretending she was asleep in her bed. He wished that last time he'd have been able to be there for her the way she needed. He'd tried to stop Angelus from entering, but the vampire was more than a match for the ghost and in the end, Dennis had realised, the more he tried to refuse the vampire entry, the more he hurt Cordelia. Gently, Dennis shut the door, going back into the living room.
Cordelia opened her eyes slowly and looked at the ceiling, tears sliding down her cheeks. ~I'm Cordelia Chase, damnit.~ She thought sadly, ~Only, I don't feel like me anymore.~***
"Morning!" Cordelia forced a bright smile to her face as she walked down into the lobby of the hotel.
"Cordelia, you shouldn't be up and about..." Said Wesley, "You're..."
"FINE!" Said Cordelia, firmly. "So, what are we working on?"
"Uhm, nothing... We've been sorta dead around here." Said Gunn, shrugging his shoulders.
"Which for Angel is great 'cause he IS dead." Said Cordelia, grinning. "Guys, joke, will you lighten up?" She frowned. Looking up, she smiled as Angel came down the stairs with Connor, "MAMA!" Shouted the little boy, grinning.
Cordelia giggled and took Connor from Angel, hugging him, "Hey..." She said, cradling him to her chest.
"Well, lookie who it is!" The Host, looking particularly... Drenched... Came walking down the stairs, "How you cope at bath-time is beyond me... Look at me, this WAS an Armani..."
"And now it's..."
"An All-Wetty..." Grumbled Lorne, shrugging his shoulders. "How're you holding up, Sweetcheeks?"
"She's fine!" Chorused the friends, before she got snippy.
"What they said..." Cordelia watched as Connor yawned, "Maybe I should put him down for a nap? Are you a night owl like your Daddy?" She asked, grinning as Connor gurgled.
When Cordelia walked up the stairs, Angel nodded to Lorne, who followed behind her silently, standing at the door and listening to her gently sing Angel's son to sleep.
On his return, Angel looked up, "So?"
Lorne sighed, "You got one stubborn girlie up there... She's saying she's fine?"
Angel nodded, "We know she's NOT fine but... She won't tell us anything. She won't even talk to me."
"Think of a wall, friend." Said Lorne, sighing, "She won't let anyone in, she won't let any feelings get out. I had a hard enough time trying to read her without getting caught. You gotta break that wall down."
"How?" Said Angel, quietly.
"One brick at a time," Said Lorne softly, "One brick at a time."
Part 9Sleep's becoming a problem. It's not the actual going to sleep part that worries me. It's the dreams, and the fear of never waking up and having to spend an eternity with him. I can still hear him so clearly, telling me that because of what I'm doing, because of what I did, I'll go to Hell. I made a mistake. I dealt with the consequences - I just never realised that they'd be so bad...
"Cordelia?" His voice broke into her reverie, induced by lack of sleep. Cordelia stood at the filing cabinet, files in hand and yet motionless.
"Hmm?"
Gently, he put his hand on her shoulder, "You were... In a daydream." Said Angel, softly.
"Oh, I was thinking about Connor's birthday party." She lied, "A girl's gotta plan..."
"That's almost three months away..."
"Well, you only turn One once..."
"You only turn any age once." Replied Angel, smiling slightly.
"Wrong - only YOU turn any age once," She smiled, "We're stuck with the living until we're maybe 100, probably less and then dying."
Angel's face fell into a frown and Cordelia sighed, "What? I was being optimistic! I was thinking I'd live to see 100 and not thinking I'm going to die the next time I'm going to have a vision."
Brutally blunt, like always, and yet Angel found himself wincing. "You're not going to die." He said quietly, "I won't let you."
Cordelia sighed, "Right, you won't let me do anything." This was getting beyond a joke, they even insisted on accompanying her to the local supermarket when she needed milk or eggs or some other such grocery.
A low growl errupted from Angel and he stared at her, "We just want to look after you."
"Yeah, there's looking after me and then there's smothering me, Angel..."
Angel was slightly taken aback, "You... You didn't say you were fine."
Cordelia looked at the floor, "That's because I'm not..."
She could almost *hear* his face falling. "There, see!" She said quietly, "The minute I tell you I'm not fine you go into full brood mode again."
"I can't help worrying about you..."
"Well stop it! Angel, please!"
"Don't you think you're being a little unreasonable? How can I not worry?"
"Angel, I'm not going to break."
"You're right, you're not." Said Angel quietly, "Because you're already broken."
Cordelia lifted her head wearily and shook her head, "Angel, I'm f..."
"You just ADMITTED you're not, so don't pull that one."
Cordelia shook her head, "Okay then, I'm not fine. Is that what you want to hear?" She asked.
"Yes!"
"Okay, what else? You wanna know what he did to me? Huh, is that what you want? 'Cause I can tell you that too!"
The muscle in Angel's jaw tensed and he looked down, "Did you forget something? I *know* what he did to you... Because I did it to you." He said quietly, "And I still do it to you..." He whispered.
Cordelia recoiled like she'd been slapped, "Wh-what do you mean?"
"Every time I close my eyes. I see something new he did. Something he hurt you with. The things he said." Angel shook his head, bitterly. "I wish he'd killed you." Said Angel quietly, "Because you didn't deserve the consequences of a mistake I made. He took you and made you his..." Gently, he raised his hand and pushed the hair from her neck looking where the bite marks lay, a constant reminder for Angel that Angelus had tasted her. "He marked you as his own..." He said, painfully.
"Just like you marked Buffy?" Asked Cordelia, coldly.
It worked. The thing she'd tried to do for weeks... She'd succeeded. She'd pushed him away. Angel pulled away from her and shook his head, "You think this is easy?" He asked, "You think it's easy, watching you like this? Because it's not. You're dying inside, Cordelia. You're not even *trying* to fight. You're hoping that in a few months time, it'll all blow over and everything will be fine. You're hoping you can forget. And it doesn't work like that..."
"So, tell me how it works since you've been through this before!" She yelled, "Tell me how this works."
Angel sighed and shook his head, "It doesn't. Because you've given up. I've tried everything I can think of to help you, I just..."
"You want to brood over it forever!" Yelled Cordelia, "I refuse to let this break me..."
"It already has." Said Angel, going to continue before Cordelia spun round, preparing to leave. Angel followed and grabbed her, standing in front of the doors of the Hyperion that looked into the courtyard, "Tell me what you see." He said, making her look at her reflection in the glass doors.
"LET ME GO!" She yelled.
"WHAT DO YOU SEE?"
Cordelia fell silent for a moment and stared at herself, "I see... I see... I see a slut." She said quietly, "I see a whore who lay down to a demon every night. I see someone who.. Who I thought was strong. I saw her body and her soul give in to a demon who wore your face." She whispered, "That's not me in there. Because if that were me? I would have staked him the first time he arrived at my apartment. I couldn't live with you..." She whispered, "But I couldn't live without you. So, I let him exist. I thought that maybe... There was some of you in there that I could still have. I didn't just betray you by sleeping with a demon, I betrayed you by not staking him so that you could be free."
Cordelia pulled away from him then, her arms wrapped tight around herself.
"Do you want to know what I see?" Asked Angel, gently. "I see my best friend. I see Cordy... I see someone who I'm proud of, someone I love. I was never *there* when he was, and I was never ashamed of you. Cordy, you have to fight this thing... For me, for Connor. For you."
Cordelia sighed. Because he was right. What were you supposed to do when the will to fight had left your body, making you feel like it had never been there in the first place? What did you do when the man you loved and the son you adored couldn't bring you out of a funk you'd slipped in? Cordelia had never been one for answers. She'd more been one for questions, 'What's this demon do?' and the like.
So what happened when you ran out of questions? What happened when you stopped caring enough to ask the questions, to find out the answers? What happened when things got so bad that the only question you were concerned with was when and if you'd be leaving this life any time soon?
A life without hope is a living Hell.
"I'm sorry I can't fight for you, for Connor, for me." Said Cordelia quietly. "I'm sorry for everything that happened. I'm sorry that the choices *we* made led to the consequences we hate." She whispered. "You told me that life without hope was a living hell... I guess you're right."
Silence hung between them for a while until Angel spoke up, "Cordy, without you... I have no hope. My redemption is pointless." He whispered, a last ditch attempt to make her see that this wasn't her fault, that he needed her.
Months earlier, and the question on Cordelia's lips would have been 'Why'... She would have yelled, shouted, SCREAMED if she had to. But this time, she only spoke up, her eyes filling with tears, "I know I should care." She whispered, "I know I should yell and scream and bitch but... I can't..." She said quietly, "As much as I want to, I can't."
"Why?" He whispered, a lump forming in his throat.
"Because there's no point. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of hurting. I used to think I was so strong, that nothing could beat me... How wrong I was." She whispered.