Go TeamC/A
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Title: Life's A Picnic
Author: SKauble
Posted: 07/05
Rating: PG-PG-13
Category: Sort of angst, I guess. Theme challenge fic (AO/FSB)
Content: C/A friendship
Summary: Angel rescues Cordelia from a date gone wrong and learns there's more to this sort-of-Scooby then he'd ever dreamed.
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: I have no idea who can have this because it's part of a challenge so ask Helen or CordynAngel.
Notes: This is based on Challenge #2, BTVS Theme 2 - Cordelia’s date takes her for a clandestine picnic in the woods around Angel’s mansion, and leaves her there when darkness falls and the vamps come out to play.
Note #2:Sorry this squeaked in just under the wire. I've been really sick for the past week and this didn't even get finished until about half an hour ago.
Feedback:Always appreciated, never discouraged.
Cordelia looked down morosely at the egg-salad sandwich in her hand. She wondered if she might be lucky enough that it had spoiled and would kill her instantly upon ingestion. Sighing at the vain hope, she threw the uneaten sandwich back onto the paper plate and resigned herself to a fate worse than death – listening to Kyle Sanderson’s endless stories about football glory.
Geez! She was only there, cheering at *every* stupid game. Did he not think that she’d paid attention? Probably, ‘cause if he understood that she’d watched them all he certainly wouldn’t be altering the facts to make it seem as if he were the only member of the team and he covered all the positions. In fact, she was surprised that he hadn’t tried to tell her that he single-handedly won last week’s game by taking over for the quarterback and passing himself the ball so he could make the game-winning touchdown.
When Kyle had asked her out her only thought had been proving to herself that she was completely over Xander Harris. But now, after an hour which felt more like a lifetime, she realized that punishing herself like this certainly wasn’t the way to go about it. She was only making herself miserable. In fact, the only good thing about the whole disaster had been the fact that she was miserable because she was with Kyle, but *not* because she wasn’t with Xander. That had certainly been cause for relief.
Even as thoughts of Xander entered her head her hand moved downward to absent-mindedly rub over her healing scar; the permanent memento of that doomed relationship. Though the wound had healed, she still felt the pain inside. And although she was mad at the cheating bastard, she was angrier with herself.
She had known since kindergarten that Willow was the most important thing in Xander Harris’ life. Then Buffy had come and Cordelia had a front row seat to the deeper feelings hidden under his slayer hero worship.
Her natural confidence had convinced her that those things were not an obstacle. Cordelia had a deep and abiding sense of self, and she’d let that be shaken, let herself believe that she could accept second – third best. And she laid the blame for that squarely on her own shoulders.
But she could admit when she was wrong, and both her relationship with Xander and this date had obviously been a huge error in judgment; and as the sun was beginning to dip lower in the sky she sighed with relief that this mistake was about to correct itself.
“Kyle, it’s almost sundown. You know the deal – a nice afternoon picnic and home before it gets dark.”
No matter how oblivious Kyle might be to the dangers of Sunnydale, Cordelia was more than aware enough for the both of them, and she had been very clear that any date she had with even a muscle bound football player like Kyle had to end before sundown. She wasn’t gonna die for cold chicken and watery macaroni salad.
So she was surprised by Kyle’s lack of packing up and going. If anything, the blonde teenager was reclining on the blanket, as if he was making himself comfortable for an extended stay.
“Now Cordelia, don’t be like that. There plenty of time for us to enjoy tonight. After all, what could be more romantic than you and me on a blanket under the moonlight?”
“Waking up tomorrow in one piece sounds like a pretty good trade off. We had a deal, Kyle, and if you’re not gonna take me home then I’ll just take myself there.”
With those words Cordy made to rise. They were in an isolated and abandoned area of Sunnydale and dusk was fast upon them; and although she knew that she’d never be able to make it home on foot in time, she was pretty sure she could get to a road and flag down a ride, or make it to an occupied house and beg to call a taxi. She’d be alright if she could just get going now.
As she turned to leave she was taking by surprise as a hand whipped out and latched onto her ankle. With a sharp tug she found herself tumbling backwards, landing ungracefully in a heap in Kyle’s arms.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing Kyle Sanderson?”
The question, dripping with venom and disdain seemed not to phase the oblivious young man as he rolled over, pinning the brunette beneath him.
“Don’t be such a tease Cordy. We both know why you agreed to go out with me today. You’ve learned your lesson about mixing with the wrong crowd and you want back in to the good life. Well I can get you in baby, but you got to show me how bad you want it.”
Cordelia was torn – should she spit in Kyle’s face for his arrogance or vomit all over him at his nearness. It was really too close to call at the moment. She may not have been a slayer, but she’d been in enough of the minor skirmishes to know that there was always a way for brains to win out over brawn. Swallowing down the bile in her throat she shot Kyle a winning smile.
“So what you’re saying is that if we do this then I’m back in?”
Sensing that he was about to score, Kyle loosened this hold and eased to Cordelia’s side.
“Yeah baby. If you’re good to me I’ll be more than good to you.”
Letting her hand trail over his shoulder and down his arm, Cordelia levered herself into a sitting position. Fingers deftly removing her earrings she shot Kyle a sultry look from under lowered lashes.
“Just let me put these away. I wouldn’t want to loose them in all the action.”
As she turned the intimate look dropped from her eyes leaving hardened fury in its wake. Opening her purse she tucked her earrings away and closed her hands over a thick wooden stake. Apparently knowing Buffy Summers did come with some benefits.
Knowing that with Kyle’s size and strength she would need to use the element of surprise to the greatest advantage she pulled the stake in close to her and called over her shoulder, “I hope you’re getting ready, Kyle. After tonight, you’ll never look at me the same way again.”
As soon as she heard the rustling sound of clothes being removed, Cordelia turned and lunged in one graceful moment bringing the stake down in an arch the landed it square in Kyle’s thigh.
As Kyle’s roar of outrage echoed through the field, Cordelia scrambled up to run. The sun had already dipped below the horizon leaving nothing but a pale strip of gold in its wake. If there was one thing she knew was more important than being in before dark was that if you were out, don’t draw attention to yourself.
Unfortunately Kyle was ignorant of this fact, too, and continued to spew out obscenities at the top of his lungs. Ignoring him, Cordelia turned to run, but fortune seemed to have deserted her as the blanket shifted under her feet, tangling around them and bringing her to her knees.
Seeing her stumble, Kyle rose up and grabbed her shoulders. Squeezing hard enough to leave finger sized bruises on her skin he was pleased by her small scream as he twisted them around, hurling her smaller body into the large oak that had shaded their picnic. A cruel smile twisted his hate-filled features as Cordelia’s head met the wood with a sickening thud, and as he watched her eyes loose focus he delighted in the look of abject terror that crossed her face.
Cordelia struggled against the blackness slowly engulfing her. She knew that she needed to keep her wits about her if she was going to get out of this. Forcing her vision to steady she realized that Kyle Sanderson had now become the least of her worries, as over his shoulder she made out what was either 3 or 6, depending on her blurring vision, vampires quickly making their way towards them.
She watched as an ugly look of pleasure passed over Kyle’s face as he reached towards her crumpled form. Darkness looming, Cordelia smiled slightly at the fact that at least if she had to go like this Kyle would be going with her. And then all thoughts ceased.***
Slowly making his way to the library, Angel was caught in a mix of emotions. He was, as always, excited at the prospect of seeing Buffy. But these days his anticipation was met by an equal need to bring an end to even part of the unrelenting pain that seemed to characterize his relationship with the slayer lately.
It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other, they did. It was just that so much had happened; maybe too much. A relationship built on forbidden love, it was all-consuming, but it left them little foundation for anything other than clandestine meetings and stolen moments. It felt like the love of a lifetime, but not necessarily like a lifetime of love.
It was hard and confusing and after his lengthy stint in Hell, it was slowly eating away at any emotional reserves that he may have had. But it really was all her had, and he wasn’t ready to let it go.
Musings of life and love were halted as a scream pierced the air. The clearly female voice seemed vaguely familiar, but he wasted no time trying to decipher why as he sped of in the direction of the shout.
Leaving the sparsely housed neighborhood behind him, Angel made his way through a small wooded area before breaking out into a clearing. This time it was a masculine scream that caught his attention as he saw a young, obviously athletic man pull himself up next to the large oak in the middle of the field, and looking alternately at the figure below him and the 3 vampires making their way towards him, began limping towards the car parked on the other side of the tree.
Even with all of the years he’d lived, human cruelty could still shock him as it did now as he watched the boy tumble into his car and peel out of the area, leaving his girlfriend behind. That wasn’t all that bothered Angel; for as he moved forward to intercept the demons he noticed that the girl was strangely still, especially in light of the approaching vampires and the abandonment of her boyfriend.
Seeing him approach, the vampire in the lead growled at him as he edged closer to the girl.
“This one’s ours pal. Go find your own dinner, we don’t share.”
Smirking at the vampires who were obviously new enough to have no idea who he was he slipped a stake from his sleeve into his hand.
“What a coincidence. I don’t share either.”
And with that he whipped around, extending his foot and catching the vampire closest to him in the chest, knocking him backwards and leaving him defenseless to the sharpened wood that descended at near light speed to bury itself deep into his still heart.
With an animalistic roar the other two threw themselves forward mistakenly believing that there would be greater safety in numbers. They were quickly disabused of that notion as Angel grabbed an arm, bending it back until he heard the satisfying crack of bones. Using the injured limb he propelled the vampire in his grasp into the oak in front of them, impaling him on a broken branch and showering the girl below with ash.
The third vampire, seeing the demise of his comrades and knowing he was hopelessly outmatched wisely chose retreat. Shoving his shoulder into Angel as he was spinning around he took advantage of the momentary distraction to make his way out of the area, pausing only long enough to call a last threat over his shoulder.
“You’re dust man. I’m not alone, and I’ll be back. You won’t even make it out of this field before you feel the sharp end of a stake and the bitch will still end up as dinner.”
As he watched the last vampire flee into the woods, he bent down to check on the girl who still hadn’t awoken. As he drew closer he realized that much like her voice, her scent seemed familiar. Gently brushing long, silky strands of mahogany hair away from her face he realized why as he stared down into the blood-streaked face of Cordelia Chase.
“Shit.”
Angel was almost surprised by the oath that tore from his mouth. Although Cordelia had been a part of the Scoobies, she’d always been, much like himself, relegated to the fringes. They had never really spent much time together, he preferring to spend most of his time with Buffy, and Cordelia dating the moron. So he was caught off guard by the anger that surged through him at seeing her lying there, bleeding.
Of course, if he really thought about it, vampires were, by nature, social creatures, belonging to orders and creating families. It was merely the soul that excluded him from these things, not the lack of desire. When he met Buffy he was, however reluctantly, dragged into a small group that, in retrospect, he had apparently adopted as his own. And while he didn’t plan on engaging in any group hugs any time soon, he could sense in himself the growing upset that one of his small links to the world around him had been damaged.
Checking her pulse and breathing and finding both steady he wrapped Cordelia in his duster and lifted her gently into his arms, turning to make his way back to the mansion to call Buffy to come help the girl. But halfway across the clearing he paused, picking up the sound of bodies, many bodies, moving towards them.
Cursing as he realized that the last of the trio hadn’t been lying, he quickly turned and made his way through the woods on the opposite side of the field. Knowing that with Cordelia’s head wound they’d be easy to track, Angel turned northward to where he knew he’d find a sizable stream. He held Cordelia as high as he could in the waist level water, as he moved quickly some distance upstream before exiting, knowing that it would be harder to follow their scent through the water. Even so, he knew that he’d need to find them a place to hide out for a few hours. Moving away from the town had been necessary if not advisable, and with an injured young woman in his care he couldn’t afford to wander the woods hoping to avoid the demons pursuing them. They needed to find a defensible position until the danger passed and he could get her some medical care. He’d just have to hope that her vital signs would remain steady, and, if luck was with him that she’d remain unconscious. She may be part of his makeshift clan, but she wasn’t always the most pleasant part.***
Angel stretched his legs out. He wasn’t good with close contact, but there was no other place for him to lay Cordelia except against his side in the long, narrow cavern he’d found carved into one of the many hills of the Sunnydale backwoods. It wasn’t where he’d wanted to be tonight, but given the situation he was satisfied with the accommodations.
Hidden behind large, dense California brush, the entrance would be difficult to find for someone not looking for such an opening. It was imminently defensible as anyone approaching them could only do so from the open and only in one direction. It’s length had the many advantages of allowing him to keep the fighting well away from Cordelia, hiding their scent from those who might still be searching for them, and keeping out the dangerous rays of the sun if, God forbid, the were still here come sunrise.
It was odd, except for Buffy, human touches had been few and far between for the vampire; yet sitting there for the past few hours with Cordelia pressed up against him felt as natural as if they’d done it a thousand times before. Maybe it was her lack of awareness which meant a lack of suspicion and fear. Because if there was one thing that Angel was sure of it was that where those closed eyes finally fluttered open, the last thing he would find would be acceptance.
As if his thoughts had stirred the girl to wakefulness, her eyelids slowly began to lift. Watching the hazel eyes struggle to focus he prepared himself to cover her mouth should her first instinct be to scream. Angel was surprised when no noise was forthcoming, and instead a look of confusion settled on her brow. That surprise paled in comparison to the shock of what occurred next.
“Who – who are you?”
Angel felt silly as he realized that they were in a dark cave and only one of them had demon eyesight. Letting out the air he’d reflexively inhaled, he answered Cordelia’s question in a soothing tone.
“It’s okay, Cordelia. It’s me, Angel. There was a…problem with your date. Vampires. This was the safest place I could find for us given the circumstances.”
She was so still that he’d thought maybe she’d fallen unconscious once again. But a quick glance down showed that her bright, steady gaze was still pinned on his face as if somehow she too could see through the inky blackness of the night. Slowly, hesitantly her voice emerged again.
“You’re an Angel? Am I dead?”
A cold shiver shot through Angel at Cordelia’s question. Sure, they might not have been the best of friends, but she should at least recognize his name, his voice.
“Cordelia -”
Whatever he was about to say was lost as the girl next to him broke in.
“Cordelia. That’s me, right?”
“What? Uh…right. No.” Taking another steadying breath, Angel started again. “Yes, you’re Cordelia. No. I’m not an angel, my name is Angel. Cordelia, what exactly do you remember?”
As her brows furrowed in deep concentration, a finger seemed to make its way of its own accord to her mouth as she gently worried the tip.
“You mean other than waking up here, right?”
“Yes, Cordelia. I mean before that.”
“Oh. About me?”
“Yes, Cordelia. About you.”
“Oh. Then that would be nothing apparently.”
Hand leaving her mouth her eyes once again unerringly found his.
“That’s not normal, right? This is amnesia, isn’t it?”
Angel wasn’t sure how to answer her. He really didn’t want to deal with a hysterical female, and her denial so far had kept her relatively calm. But really, how long could he keep her unaware of the fact that she didn’t remember anything? As he was debating the pros and cons on rendering unconscious someone who was already suffering some form of head trauma, he was diverted from that line of thought as a bright smile lit her face. As out of place as her happiness seemed, it wasn’t hysterics, so, even knowing that she really couldn’t see him, he tentatively returned the smile.
“Hey! I remembered what amnesia is. Yay me!”
What had been a hesitant smile on the vampire’s face grew until it reflected a genuine sense of pleasure. From what he understood of amnesia it was possible for a person to forget everything about themselves and yet retain knowledge of language, culture, social rules and the like. It didn’t necessarily strip the person of their personality, but rather left them without the natural defenses that a person built up over the years of their life. As he gazed down at the open expression of the girl before him he found himself wondering what she might be like without the deeply fortified walls he’d sensed in her since their first meeting.
Cordelia’s brow wrinkled once again. Something niggled at her brain. At first she’d thought that it might be a memory, but when she finally caught it and pinned it down she realized that it was something that the man – Angel had said to her.
“Did you say ‘vampires’? ‘Cause I don’t remember a whole lot, but I seem to remember that those aren’t real.”
Feeling him tense next to her, she strained in the darkness, wishing she could make out the features of the man she was leaning against. It was odd, but she could almost feel him struggling with whether or not to tell her the truth. Feeling him relax, she knew that he’d opted for honesty.
“Cordelia, most people do believe that vampires and demons aren’t real. But given that you live in Sunnydale I don’t think that I’d be doing you much of a service by letting you continue to believe that.”
“Oh. Do we have a lot of vampires here in Sunnydale? ‘Cause any place with Sunny in the name wouldn’t seem to be a place for vampires to settle down.”
“Well, they used to call it Boca del Infierno.”
Confusion rearranged her features once again as Cordelia searched her empty memory banks.
“Am I supposed to know Spanish? Hey! I knew it was Spanish.”
Angel was once again fighting the urge to smile as the dirty, blood covered girl who’d just learned about the existence of demons celebrated recognizing a foreign language that she couldn’t even speak. Her ability to pull the good out of what to him seemed like overwhelming bad was endearing and it made him even more curious about the girl under the carefully maintained image.
“You’re right. It is Spanish. It means ‘Mouth of Hell’.”
“Well, I can see why they’d change that. I mean how would you get anyone to move to a place with a name like that? Property values must have soared once they went with Sunnydale.”
Cordelia felt as if her brain was soaking up everything it could to replace everything that was gone; much like a dry sponge pulls in water. Because of that it took a minute for the importance of Angel’s words to settle in.
“Wait. Mouth of Hell? That’s not a good thing, is it?”
Mouth tilting slightly, Angel acknowledged her incredible understatement with one of his own.
“No, in the time that I’ve been here I’ve never found it to be a good thing.”
“So why do people live here? Why do we live here?”
Angel had wondered that himself, often. He supplied her with the conclusions that he had reached.
“Most people seem almost purposefully unaware about the dangers here. It’s almost as if they won’t let their sense of normalcy be disrupted, even if it costs them their lives.”
That sounded reasonable to Cordelia, but she still wasn’t sure she understood.
“Okay, I get why they stay, but you know the truth, and apparently I knew the truth until recently, so why are we still here?”
This question was a little more complex, although Angel had pondered this too at length.
“Well, honestly, you’re a senior in high school. You live at home with your family, and I think they’re among those still in denial. You could try telling them that vampires are real, but I have a feeling they’d lock you in a little, padded cell for a while. So I think that you’re kind of stuck here for the time being.”
“But besides that, you and I, we help. We work with a girl known as The Slayer. A chosen one who is mystically equipped to fight evil and protect the Hellmouth. We help her do that. That’s why I stay. Maybe that’s why you stay, too.”
“Are we mystically equipped to fight evil?”
Angel wondered if any of her questions were going to be easy.
“Not exactly. We each have our…strengths, but we’re not like Buffy.”
“Buffy? The all powerful slayer of evil is named Buffy??? Am I just not remembering something important, or is that name totally not fear striking?”
He couldn’t help it. Maybe it was because she seemed equally surprised by everything she said, and maybe it was just because she didn’t know that he was supposed to be broody and stoic, but before he could stop it a bark of laughter flew from his lips.
Cordelia smile widened at the happy sound. Maybe she couldn’t see him, but she could here him, honest and patient, and she could feel him holding her against him, safe and strong. She might not know him, but he’d saved her and she couldn’t help but enjoy the sound of his joy.
“No, it’s not your memory. Buffy is not the scariest name ever created.”
A sly smile lifted the corners of her lips as she glanced in his direction.
“Of course Angel’s not to scary either, is it?”
Pulling her in tighter to his side before he realized he was doing it, he mock scowled into the darkness as he playfully growled, “Are you ridiculing your savior, girl?”
Swallowing down her laughter at the light-hearted moment, Cordelia strove to hit a serious note.
“Why Angel, how could something as irrelevant as your girlie name keep me from lavishing you with hero worship?”
Another uncharacteristic shout of laughter was pulled from Angel at Cordelia’s teasing. Even with his deep love for Buffy, they had never done this; never just sat and enjoyed being light and carefree. Of course he probably wouldn’t be sharing those things with Cordelia either except that she couldn’t remember her cares for the moment. Those thoughts were halted as a musing voice broke.
“So tell me something about myself.”
Cordelia had thought that the request was simple. However the sudden tensing of the body next to her implied that it was anything but.
“Angel?”
Wracking his brains for something to tell her, Angel was suddenly saddened by just how little he knew about the girl trapped here with him.
“Your name is Cordelia Chase. Your parents are wealthy and you were very popular in high school. You started dating Xander Harris, although God knows why, and gave up your old friends who refused to accept him.”
“Wow.” Cordelia broke in. “That sounds romantic.”
Hearing the longing in her voice, Angel decided not to disillusion her with the specifics of their breakup.
“You two eventually decided to…part ways, but you’ve put your differences aside to continue to help the slayer when needed.”
“So, I may not have true love, but at least I’m very mature.”
Not able to look down in to her wistful face and rob her of that small comfort and not willing to damage her startling sense of optimism, he said the only thing he could.
“Extremely mature, Cordelia.”
She seemed content with that for the moment, but as Angel began to relax he was hit with another question.
“Angel, tell me some other things about me. Not about my life, but things I like. What’s my favorite color? Or which flower I like best. Or how about my favorite food?”
It was funny, but earlier today he hadn’t known any of those things and he was glad. Glad that he wasn’t encumbered by people with their endless needs for interaction and emotional contact. He was glad that he didn't know more than just Buffy that he didn’t have to care. And yet now, after this short amount of time he’d pay to be able to answer the simple questions she’d asked. And it left him questioning his own life, so solitary; so alone. And much like her questions, his own had no immediate answers.
“I’m sorry, Cordelia. I don’t really know those things about you.”
He sounded so sad, that Cordelia felt worse that she’d asked him than that he hadn’t known. Searching for his hand, despite the pain involved in moving, she finally grasped it. Giving him a squeeze she reassured him.
“It’s okay, Angel. I don’t know those things about me either. Let’s figure them out together. Hmmm…my favorite color. I’m thinking….green. I remember spring. Not a specific one, but generally. It’s pretty green and I like it, so green it is.”
Angel looked down at the hand in his, surprised by the resilience of a girl who was injured, hiding in a cave, and unable to remember any of her life, but was comforting him because he had never bothered to take the time to know her. The only thing he knew for certain in that one moment was that Xander Harris was an absolute fool.
“Okay, flower. I don’t want to be ordinary, and I have a feeling that roses would be ordinary, wouldn’t it?”
Cordelia glanced towards where she knew his face to be, finding it comforting to pretend that she could see the only thing she had to hold onto in the darkness.
“I don’t think you could ever be described as ordinary, Cordelia.”
She flashed a smile at him, also finding comfort in the thought that he could see her and continued.
“Okay, then how abooooout…tulips. Beautiful orange tulips. This is fun, isn’t it Angel. And when I remember everything, if it doesn’t match I’ll just have twice as many favorite things.”
“Now, on to the best part – food. My brain is telling me that chocolate is a wonderful thing and I know that it’s true, but I can’t remember having it. It is good, right Angel?”
Searching the darkness for a reply she finally heard him drawl out, “That’s what I hear.”
Giving a pfft, that must have been stored in an instinctual part of her brain; she rolled her eyes even knowing that he couldn’t see it.
“Yeah, cause you’re to manly to indulge in chocolate, right *Angel*.”
“Hey!” Angel replied indignantly. “Are you impugning my manhood?” Joining in the teasing by pretending to take exception.
“Never, Angel. After all, not only have you saved my life, but you’ve helped me figure out the three most important things about myself.”
He heard Cordelia stifle a yawn, even as her body settled more heavily against his.
“Angel?”
“Yes Cordelia?”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Cordelia.”
Angel knew that even as he said it she had already drifted off to sleep. Torn between wanting her to rest and wondering if, given her head injury, it was a good idea, he decided that her body probably knew best and, pulling her in so that her head lay against his shoulder, he let her sleep as he began to ponder the complexity that was Cordelia Chase, wondering what had happened in her short life that had left such boundless optimism buried under a mountain of sarcasm and distrust.***
Angel woke to see soft light streaming into the cave around them. Although not direct enough to be of danger, the soft glow of morning lit the space around him, alerting him that he’d slept for about an hour.
Knowing that the vampires couldn’t possibly be outside the cave in which they were hiding, he nevertheless decided to take every precaution and, true face coming to the fore, he pushed his sense beyond their immediate surroundings. Finding nothing he shifted back, and looked down at the girl still pressed against him, only to collide with a wide pair of questioning hazel eyes.
“Angel?”
In the midst of his own panicking, Angel missed the calmness emanating form Cordelia.
“Oh God Cordelia. I can explain. It’s – I -”
“Angel, it’s okay.”
And as he let his fear ebb somewhat, Angel knew that it was.
“Whatever’s going on Angel, you saved me last night, you found us a safe place, and you watched over me while I was hurt. Whatever the explanation is for what I just saw, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a good guy Angel…Although I’d still love to hear the explanation.”
Staring into the laughing eyes he saw that to Cordelia it was really that simple. It was probably the lack of memory that made it so, but the eyes looking back into his held nothing but gratitude and understanding. And even though he knew that he’d never deserve either after all he’d done in his life, he couldn’t help but dive into both, the wonder of them being so overwhelming.
“Cordelia, I’m a vampire.”
Angel watched as she thought that over. Even though all of her reactions had surprised him so far, he still expected some form of hysterics at that revelation. Instead she simply seemed to be mulling it over in her mind, trying to make it fit with what little she personally knew of the world.
“Like the vampires that attacked me?”
Angels was already shaking his head before her sentence was finished.
“No. I have a soul.”
“Oh. I take it most of you don’t then.”
Angel smiled at the understatement.
“No. That’s what makes us evil.”
“Them.”
Reminding himself that Cordelia had a head wound, he tried to get her to clarify what seemed like a nonsensical response.
“What?”
“You said ‘us’. ‘That’s what makes us evil’. But you have a soul; therefore you meant ‘them’.
Angel stared. Not in a million years would he have expected this conversation to ever go quite this way.
“Cordelia, it’s not that simple.”
“Maybe it is Angel. Or maybe I just don’t have all the other things that complicate it inside my head anymore. Vampires are evil because they have no soul. You have a soul. That soul led you to save and protect me. Therefore you are not evil. It sounds simple to me.”
He didn’t quite know what to say. Even though he knew that she was right when she said that she was lacking a grasp of the things that complicated the issue, he couldn’t help but bask in the acceptance being offered to him. Not even Buffy had ever looked at him with quite this much faith. Not even in the beginning. And although he knew that Buffy, as the slayer, could never, should never, completely overlook his nature, and that it was unfair to compare them, he still couldn’t help but relish the complete and utter lack of fear from someone who knew what he was and what his kind could do. No matter how limited that knowledge might be.
“So how come you have one and they don’t?”
“Huh?” Angel muttered as her voice pulled him from the warm feeling building inside.
“A soul. You know, the reason for the lack of evilness?”
He didn’t want to answer. It was that easy. He was enjoying this brief moment of faith from her and he didn’t want to ruin it by explaining the animal he used to be, that he still was. But he owed her that. After all, he’d almost killed her last year. She deserved to be prepared in case her memory had deserted her for good.
“I didn’t always have one. I’ve lived now for over two centuries. I’ve done horrible things in my time. About a hundred years ago I killed a gypsy girl. She was the favored daughter of her tribe. In return the gypsy’s gave me back my soul.”
He didn’t want to see the disgust in her eyes, but forced himself to look. Only there was no disgust there. Instead there was a look of puzzlement, as if what he said didn’t quite make sense. Slowly, as if she was still missing something she responded to his dark disclosure.
“Well…that was nice of them.”
Now he saw where the confusion came from.
“Nice? Cordelia, it was a curse. They cursed me to live with 150 year of brutal killing and vicious torture.”
Cordelia’s face scrunched up, but once again Angel saw no disgust, merely confusion.
“I don’t understand. If the soul is what makes you different than the other vampires, what lets you be good, then how could anyone have expected you to be good without it? Why should you feel bad for something you had no way of controlling? Are you sure they just weren’t helping you out so that you wouldn’t kill anyone else’s daughter?”
Angel was absolutely speechless. It’s not that Cordelia wasn’t making sense; it was just that generally people he met tended to agree that he needed to pay for what he’d done as Angelus. No one had ever accepted that he was Angelus, but suggested that it had been beyond his control and therefore not his burden to shoulder for eternity. Holding on to what he had known as truth for a century he tried to explain again.
“They wanted me to suffer, to feel guilt for all I’d done.”
As he watched Cordelia’s eyebrow arch he could almost believe that she was in possession of all of her memories. Except that the words that kept coming out of her mouth were so different than the one’s he knew she’d normally say.
“Well just because they wanted you to feel guilty doesn’t mean that you have to. Do you always do what people who curse you want?”
Despite the serious nature of the discussion he couldn’t help but smile.
“I don’t get cursed that often.”
Patting his hand in a gesture of comfort reminiscent of the previous night, Cordelia smiled up at him.
“Of course you don’t. You’re a good guy who spends his time saving damsel’s in distress and helping super girls inaptly named Buffy.”
Angel was so charmed by the blinding smile set against a background of dirt and blood that he almost missed Cordelia’s next statement.
“Of course, you probably hear that from lots of people.”
Cordelia watched as Angel ducked his head, hiding his deep velvet eyes from her.
“Actually, I don’t know all that many people.”
That surprised her. He was, after all, a genuine hero, and definitely not hard on the eyes. Surely he was just being modest.
“Come on, a guy willing to fight a bunch of vampires for a girl he barely knows must have plenty of friends.”
She wished he’d look at her again, but his eyes stayed firmly downcast as he answered her,
“No, I’m not really the friendly type.”
“Well, what about super girl – Buffy?”
Well at least she finally got him to look up.
“Buffy? We…dated. We’re in love, but it didn’t really work out. Besides, as someone pointed out to us recently, we were never really friends.”
Cordelia certainly hadn’t expected that reply. She may not remember much, but didn’t dating someone kind of make you friends?
“Of course you two were friends. Otherwise how would you have known what kind of flowers to buy her, or – or what color bear to get for Valentine’s Day, or what kind of candy to buy her at the movies?”
Angel looked down at the eager expression of the young woman trying desperately to convince him that he had friends, and while he never talked with anyone about things like this, the clear and open look in her eyes made him feel like he could tell her anything.
“Buffy and I, we weren’t like that. We were just, in love I guess. It was passionate and intense, all forbidden love and Romeo and Juliet, but it was never flowers and candy. Those were things we never had time to learn about each other. Maybe they were things we never took the time to learn. Anyway, trust me when I say that it’s too late now.”
Angel felt Cordelia’s hand grasp his once again, lending him silent strength even as she offered him spoken comfort.
“I’m sorry.”
And he knew that she meant it. Knowing nothing about him but what she’d learned in their brief time together in this cave, she was genuinely saddened by his failed relationship with a girl she didn’t even know.
“So” Cordelia sighed, “I can’t remember anything about myself and you’re sad and alone.”
Angel couldn’t help but smile as he realized that Cordelia’s stunning lack of tact was apparently genetic and not a defense mechanism meant to hold others at bay. But that thought was soon lost, burned away in the brilliant light of Cordelia’s growing smile.
“Do you know what this means?”
Puzzled by her sudden excitement, Angel shook his head.
“This means we’re best friends!”
Angel new that his confusion must be showing on his face as Cordelia rushed on.
“I mean, you know my favorite color, my favorite flower, and my favorite food. And I know that you’re a vampire with a soul who desperately needs someone in his life to remind him that he’s one of the good guys. See, if you tell me your favorite color, although I’m getting the strong impression that it’s black, then it’ll be all settled. You and me – best friends.”
Angel was completely unaware of what to say next. He’d never really had a best-friend. Well, not since he was a boy. Sure, he’d had drinking buddies as he got older, but never true friends. And Angelus wasn’t one to inspire friendship. Fear and loyalty? Yes. Friendship? No. Since then he’d mostly avoided humans. His few attempts to connect seeming to always end in disaster.
As his silence continued, Angel watched Cordelia’s smile begin to dim, and suddenly, more than anything, he wanted to bring the light back into her eyes.
“Yellow.”
And the light was back.
“Really? I never would have guessed.”
“When I was a boy in Ireland, my mother had a beautiful garden. Full of every color of the rainbow, but her pride and joy were the cheerful daffodils she planted along the walkway to our house. She treated them like they were her children, the way she tended them. She said they were like the sun leading the way to our door. Every time I see that color I think of her; I think of the sun.”
Angel felt rather dazed. Confession may be good for the soul, but disclosure of any kind had never come easy to him. And yet, it hadn’t hurt to share this with her.
“I’ve never told anyone that before.”
Looking down he watched as Cordelia hid a yawn behind her hand. As she snuggled closer to him he wrapped his arm securely around her. Before sleep could pull her under he heard her reply, muffled by his shoulder.
“It’s okay Angel. After all, you’re my best friend.”***
Angel looked down at Cordelia. She’d been asleep for hours now and he was once again debating whether to let her sleep or wake her up. This time he admitted to himself that it was more than just concern for her health that made him want to gently shake her awake. He missed her. He missed her smiles, he missed her laughter, and he missed her odd perspective on both of their lives. She had woken off and on throughout the day and they’d leisurely discussed his life and invented one for her. It was soothing, not just to his mind, but to his soul. He knew that he was being given an honor few people had probably ever received – seeing the real Cordelia Chase. And he would cherish every minute of this day for the rest of his existence.
Realizing that sunset was at hand, he pushed aside all selfish thoughts of waking her, wrapped her tighter in his jacket and made his way outside to begin the trek towards the hospital.
He was surprised upon reaching the large white structure how nice a journey it had been with his friend held tight against him, sleeping soundly in his arms. If it wasn’t for the fact that he knew she needed medical attention he’d turn around and take them straight to the mansion where she could clean up and they could talk some more.
But his concern at her continuing unconscious state was rising and even if it meant their talks were on hold, he was relieved that she was finally going to be under a doctor’s care.
Entering the Emergency Room he called for a nurse. Being used to trauma cases given the nature of the town, reaction was fast, and before he knew what was happening Cordelia was being unwrapped from his duster and placed on a gurney. As they rolled her out of his sight a nurse approached him with questions about her injury.
Angel provided what information he could, but it wasn’t much. Luckily Cordelia’s information was still on file after her recent stay. Retiring himself to a dark corner, he planned to keep watch until her parents arrived and then slip away, hopefully before Sunnydale’s “best and brightest” could show up to start what passed for an investigation in this town.
As time passed he grew more concerned both by the absence of Cordelia’s parents and by the doctors hushed conversations, still audible to his ears, that Cordelia could not be awakened. Trying to push down fears that he’d made the wrong choice, gone the wrong way in evading the pursing vampires, that he’d let her sleep too much or not enough, he was finally distracted by a woman in her late forties inquiring as to the health of Cordelia Chase.
Angel listened in disbelief as she identified herself as the Chase’s housekeeper and explained that her parents were at a retreat Switzerland and had been informed of the circumstances, but couldn’t leave at this time. She produced paperwork that allowed her to sign the appropriate forms in their absence, and assured the nurse that she would update the Chases as to Cordelia’s progress.
As he listened with a heavy heart as she repeated Mr. Chase’s explanation that his daughter was very accident prone lately and that it wasn’t really feasible for them to come back every time she ended up hurting herself, Angel began to understand with perfect clarity why Cordelia hid the beautiful, bright-eyed girl he’d spent the day with, and the urge to kill her heartless parents was outweighed only by his desire to gather Cordelia close and protect her from the harsh realities of the world.
Knowing that he could do neither at that moment and that sunrise was fast approaching he turned as silently slipped from the hospital, making his way home.***
Once again Angel was waiting impatiently for sunset.
It had been five days since he’d left Cordelia at the hospital. Five days since he’d gotten the call from Buffy saying that they were canceling the meeting for that night so that they could go visit Cordelia. She went on to explain that Cordelia had apparently been injured on her date with some football player who’d abandoned her and that some Good Samaritan apparently brought her to the hospital. Not knowing the agony she was inflicting she told the vampire that Cordelia seemed fine, except that she didn’t seem to remember the accident or any of her time until she awakened in the hospital.
As Buffy ended the call Angel was surprised to find himself on the floor, not having noticed that he’d seemed to crumble along with his dreams.
Five days.
In that time he’d thought a lot about what happened. Pushing aside his desperate need to have his one friend back, he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t meant to have people like Cordelia Chase in his life the way he’d had her for that one golden day.
Whether she had wanted to believe it or not, his soul was both a gift and a curse. It was a gift in that it let him know someone as beautiful as Cordelia, and it was a curse because it would be too easy to loose himself in her friendship, in her acceptance. Buffy might believe that the curse was confined to sex, but he understood that it wasn’t in the act, but in the moment of forgetting who he was, what he was that danger lay. And forgetting seemed all too easy in Cordelia’s open smiles.
This was best for all of them, and although a part of him would always mourn the loss, he’d moved passed the grief and onto infinite gratitude that he, with all of the suffering he had caused, all of the atoning he had to do, had been given such a perfect, if brief gift. A day in the sunlight could not have been as bright a light in his darkness as the memory of acceptance in Cordelia’s eyes that day.
But still, a small part of him hoped, even as he knew the impossibility, that she did remember, and just didn’t want to share their special time with the others. And although he didn’t really believe that to be true, he knew that he’d never be able to completely let the hope rest until he saw her, until he looked into her eyes.
It was this thought that held him as he entered the library. Seeing her there, at the end of the table, was like a jolt of lightening to his overtaxed nerves. Knowing he was quickly moving past looking and onto staring, he was curiously upset and relieved as Buffy stepped into his line of sight.
“Hey, Angel. You’re just in time. We’re about to go out and track down some new menace that I’d tell you about except I stopped listening to Giles after ‘venomous mucous’. Cordelia’s agreed to bait our hook and we could use all the back up we can get.”
At Buffy’s words, his eyes jerked from the Slayer to Cordelia, searching for signs of injury that would keep her from being a part of the night’s activities. Seeing none, he questioned her directly.
“Are you sure you’re up to that?”
“Pfft. Don’t worry about me. Just make sure that you guys get your butts in gear when I scream. I definitely don’t feel like running around that disgusting cemetery in these heels.”
Don’t worry? Impossible, thought Angel as he tuned out Xander’s no doubt asinine reply.
As he blended into the shadows he watched as everyone gathered their weapons of choice and slowly filed out of the library. Cordelia was the last to leave, but upon reaching the door she turned.
Locating Angel in the gloom not far from the exit she smiled hesitantly.
“I wanted to thank you for the daffodils you sent. They were beautiful. I’ve always loved daffodils.”
Moving forward, Angel finally had a chance to look deep into Cordelia’s eyes. And even as a part of him wept for what he didn’t see, a part of him rejoiced as his certainty grew, now that he was so close to her, that she could definitely endanger his soul.
“You’re welcome, Cordelia.” Angel repeated the words to her that he’d said that first night, but he no longer waited for recognition that he knew wasn’t going to come. Instead he reached over and pushed the door open for her.
Throwing him a confused glance and a tentative smile, Cordelia turned and made her way out of the library. Letting the door swing closed behind him, Angel followed, determined not to lose sight of her on this or any other night. Wherever they were patrolling, whatever they were fighting, he was now stuck to her side like glue. Because whether she knew it or not, Cordelia Chase was his best friend.
The End
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