Title: Puzzle Pieces
Author: Lysa
Posted: 04/06/04
Email
Rating: NC-17
Category: Angst, Romance, Smut, AU
Content: C/A
Summary: Angel reflects on his response to Cordelia’s dating frenzy
Spoilers: AtS Season3 Episode 13: Waiting in the Wings
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss
Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere…please let me know.
Notes: Challenge by Kimmers: A version of ‘See Jane Date’. Angel is jealous when Cordy starts dating and sets out to ruin her dates. Include: Baby Connor. Other pairings: Fred/Gunn, Wes/? Required Quote: “Baby, you’re mine.” This fic goes totally AU at the end of WitW. No Groo. I know…that really, really disappoints all of you. You’ll just have to live with it. ;) I’m also trying out a new writing style this time. Something quite different for me, so a little constructive FB wouldn’t go unappreciated.
Feedback:
Thanks/Dedication: To Kimmers of course! For her ‘Bubblegum’ Attitude and her courage in trying out a new style of writing. Thanks for the inspiration. May your future be full of happy C/A family fics.
Watching as my 11-month-old son futilely attempts to pound a square block into a round hole, I am reminded that not so long ago I made a concerted effort to do the same. Only I was playing with lives instead of a three-dimensional puzzle. There comes a time when you have to realize that some pieces fit and others don’t no matter how hard you try to make them.
Night of the Ballet
Returning to the Hyperion after the ballet came as a reality check. Still lost in a haze of all that had happened I couldn’t get Cordelia out of my head. If my heart had the ability to beat, it would have been pounding in my chest. Every passing second was filled with resonant images, sounds and scents of those timeless minutes inside the prima ballerina’s dressing room.
It wasn’t all about possession…not just by spirits at any rate, certainly not on my side. When she asked me to undress her, I thought I’d dropped into the middle of a wet dream. The kind a guy definitely isn’t supposed to have for his beautiful best friend. Only the fantasy quickly turned real as we went step-by-step through the motions of the clandestine meeting between the ballerina and her lover.
Though the words were theirs, it was my hands caressing Cordelia’s skin, my mouth kissing those lush lips, my tongue teasing her. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I could fight the urge to follow those ethereal commands if I really wanted to, but I didn’t. The little cross she’d picked up off the dresser scorched my skin as it touched me accidentally, snapping me out of the lustful haze that was fast taking me to a place I wanted to be.
When Cordy suggested we needed to get out of that room, all I could do was agree, but the path to the door came only with effort. One my body really didn’t care to make. I could barely keep my hands from gliding over her curves and doing precisely what she’d begged me to do: undress her.
If we hadn’t reached that door just then, I know I would have done it. I was aroused and ready and wanting her. Naturally, Cordelia noticed.
Reprieve came momentarily in the hall outside, though my burning need to apologize was blown off by my no-nonsense seer. She blamed it all on the magic, but my body wasn’t so quick to forget. I was still thinking about the way Cordelia told me she was only alive when I was inside her.
The ballerina’s words, I know, not Cordy’s. Still, her voice whispering against my lips catapulted me into a silent acknowledgement that it was precisely where I wanted to be. One she quickly turned into a joke as I attempted to explain that going back into that room just to follow-up on her theory was not the safest thing to do.
“My champion, ladies and gentlemen,” she’d announced sardonically to the otherwise empty hall. Cordelia might as well have been telling an audience I was a coward for trying to avoid her kisses. Not that they were really her kisses in Cordelia’s eyes, but the ballerina’s. Going back in was all just part of the mystery to be solved.
I marveled at the wrongness of the idea. Entering that room again could only lead to trouble, but going back was the only way forward. Because finding out the reason for the spell was the only way to break it. For ten seconds, I felt relieved that nothing seemed to be happening as the spell of possession did not immediately overtake us again.
Cordelia ran through the lines she’d spoken as if impatiently reading from a script she’d seen before. “Blah, blah, blah,” she tagged on as if that was exactly what she felt about the whole thing. Then she kissed me, her lips pressing into mine with as much enthusiasm as if it had been the back of her hand.
Then the warm tingle of magic spread through my body, the spirit of that long-ago lover reaching out for his ballerina. I listened to their conversation, eavesdropping on his desire for a future together and her fear of letting go, but heard it only from a distance. My attention was on the woman in my arms.
Just the taste of her in my mouth was enough to make me hard again, Cordelia’s hot wet tongue curling against mine, our lips crushed against one another. Then she was beneath me on the couch, just where I wanted her to be. Just how much of Cordelia was in the kisses so enthusiastically returned did not occur to me at the time. Part of me knew we were simply the ballerina and her lover, but the rest acknowledged that it was us each time my lips came into contact with that golden skin.
My hands moved over the curves I’d gazed upon so many times before with simple admiration, but lately with the surprising urge to map out every fine detail. Watching her from a distance was all I could do contemplating the differences between us and knowing that any action I took might break the bonds of our friendship. Maybe Cordy was right…I’d taken the coward’s way out.
After everything we’ve been through together, losing her trust and winning back her friendship had been the toughest. I took the easy road and played on those feminine fancies by buying more designer clothes than her closet had seen since Sunnydale. It was a cheap trick despite the considerable expense and I never regretted it for a second.
Then I lost her again, this time literally as she was sucked into Pylea by the swirling portal that sent Lorne’s cousin back home. With the possible exceptions of finding Fred, seeing my reflection for the first time in centuries and walking in sunlight, I’ve blocked out the rest of that rescue mission from my mind. At least, I’d like to think I have, but how could I forget the true face of my own demon or the sight of Cordelia wrapped up in another man’s arms.
Just as impossible as forgetting the moment when I thought she said she loved me. I felt like a fool afterward, realizing she meant the Groosalugg. Just the thought that Cordelia might choose to stay in Pylea where she was royalty and beloved by its moronic champion was too much to take. The fear gathering inside me was enough to piss me off and I outright told Cordelia she was coming home with me.
Luckily, she’d already made the decision to do so because otherwise my words might have caused her to dig in her heels and refuse to budge. Cordelia came home to our mission, but I always hoped that some part of her also returned to me.
Discovering where our friendship stood took longer than expected. The worst kind of news awaited our return. Finding Willow Rosenberg sitting in our lobby with tears in her eyes floored me, because I instantly knew their meaning. News of Buffy’s death hit me hard. Maybe we were never meant to be together, but I did love that girl.
Losing her that way woke me up and I started to think about how fragile and utterly precious humanity can be. Specifically, how precious Cordelia is to me. Realizing my feelings for her were already beyond the bounds of our friendship made me more determined than ever to protect it.
Then I got distracted with Darla’s arrival, Holtz’ return and the miracle of my son’s existence. After surviving Cordelia’s initial bursts of anger over the lie I’d told her about my not sleeping with Darla, the reality of a baby in our lives quickly put us back on track. I just had no idea where that track was headed.
All I knew was seeing my son in Cordelia’s arms made me feel like my heart was more tied to her than ever. Puck got it right when Shakespeare wrote him saying, “What fools these mortals be.” It was a truth I’m certain also applies to vampires with souls.
When the opportunity to see the Blinnikov World Ballet in action was too much to resist, I bought tickets with the money Gunn intended for us to use for a concert. To me there was no comparison, but Gunn was not too happy with the switch in plans. Only the fact that he enjoyed the ballet and came away with Fred on his arm served to mend that fence, not that I was aware of the latter bonus at the time.
Cordelia managed to surprise me as well.
While getting ready for the evening Lorne revealed that he was aware of my feelings for her. It hadn’t even taken a song. Apparently, I was wearing those feelings on my sleeve for anyone to see if they looked close enough. First Fred and now Lorne with this talk of Kyerumption, that Pylean word about fate and something about grog or ox dung. The thought rattled me that Cordelia might have guessed, but I’d never seen anything to indicate that she spent time mooning over me the way that I found myself thinking of her.
When she paused in my bedroom doorway looking radiant in her evening gown, I knew that Lorne was probably getting a damn good indication where my feelings were focused. The way she looked, the way she smiled as she fixed my tie and talked of us being a couple of young sophisticates enjoying a night of classical dance, I figured I would have a fellow devotee on my arm that night.
Instead, I had Cordelia drooling on my shoulder as she slept straight through to the intermission. If I hadn’t been so distracted by my discovery that this was the very same ballet troupe I witnessed back in the 1890’s, my attention would have been all on her. Nevertheless, I felt it every time she snuggled against my shoulder seeking her comfort spot as if she belonged there.
During the intermission, our search for the answers to the mystery led us to the prima ballerina’s dressing room and tumbling toward a meeting with fate. If Lorne knew the details, he would say that I missed the shot I was offered, but even I don’t need a soul-reading demon to tell me what I already knew.
That night is etched into my memory forever and it takes only an instant for every minute detail to flood back into my mind’s eye. Her taste, her scent, the beat of her heart, the touch of her hands and the sound of her moans all combined to send me directly to fantasyland. With the constant push of that possessing soul leading me to follow his moves, I played right along soaking up every tiny reaction Cordelia’s body had to offer.
Just the tilt of her throat caused my head to spin with wanting. Possessed or not, I’m a vampire and feeling the gentle pulsing of her vein against my lips went straight to my loins. A little purr escaped her throat as I kissed her there, her hand curling over the nape of my neck and its fingers combing through my hair. Cordelia writhed with growing passion, her lush breasts brushing against my chest as I bent over her. All I knew was a need to touch her there, to feel the weight of her bare flesh in my hands and I made it so.
Peeling the gown from her shoulders, I slowly inched the silky material downward. I actually sucked in a gasp of air and held it as her gorgeous breasts came into view. I kept peeling as if unwrapping a surprise gift, wanting to rip the wrapping away while simultaneously enjoying the anticipation of each new revelation. On some level, I was still the spectator, but it was still my body and I seemed determined to imprint myself on her skin.
Cordelia’s moue of pleasure sounded in my ears as she felt the proof of my need for her. The bulge in my pants was evidence enough as I pressed down against the apex of her thighs still trapped by her gown. I wanted her legs wrapped around me, but I was still caught up in following the direction set out for me leading me back to the beauty of her breasts as I worshipped them with my mouth and hands.
The fact remains that I can never again see Cordelia in any kind of top without visualizing what lies beneath: those soft, full curves that fit my hands, the darker circle around her velveteen nipple and the way that it hardens to a needy point under attention by my tongue.
I could have played there for hours, but I was compelled to continue on the path of discovery.
As I kissed my way down the flat plane of her belly, marveling at the silky softness of Cordelia’s strawberry-scented skin, my hand continued its downward exploration. My fingers brushed lightly over Cordelia’s thin panties feeling the moisture soaking the silk. I lay one firm kiss atop that lacy piece of nothing just before letting my fingers slip inside to slide along her slick folds.
She moaned for more only to let out a cry of alarm almost simultaneously. Reality crashed back into place with the attack of the Tragedy and Comedy-masked minions. In the middle of the fight, I could still hear Cordelia’s words resonating in my ear.
“Oh, thank God,” she cried out in relief at the interruption, pulling up the straps of her gown while hidden behind the curved design of the couch.
Only her comment at the end of the fight of, “You looked really hot doing that,” convinced me that she might have felt something other than the ballerina’s control.
By the time we made it back into the hall, the guilt started to set in. Circumstances forced me to put those concerns on the back burner while I dealt with the cause of this enchantment: Count Kurskov. Only after the destruction of his power center and the ballerina’s final curtsy was I free to consider the impact of everything this night had wrought.
I dropped off Fred, Gunn and Wes at the Hyperion before taking Cordelia home. Had I thought about it, the fact that she didn’t stop in long enough to say goodnight to Connor was a neon-bright clue that going near my bedroom was a no-no. There were not going to be any baby snuggles in my bed tonight and while that had never before caused me to feel jealous, I had other things in mind to keep her occupied there.
Just the thought of it forced me to get a grip on my feelings. Cordelia’s obvious relief when we were interrupted was only the first sign. The drive to her apartment was filled with a strained silence, both of us stealing glances at the other and saying nothing despite being caught.
The phrase, ‘No News is Good News’ never applied to Cordelia. If she was quiet, it only meant a storm brewed inside her. There was too much that needed to be said and it couldn’t be done in a moving vehicle.
“Cordy,” I tried to pave the way as I walked her to her door.
I wonder now if she thought I might be asking to come inside for there was a little look of panic in her eyes, a silent plea just before the storm hit and she cut me off. “You know we should probably not talk about…our little adventure. Anything that might have been seen. Anything that might have been…oh, perky.”
A nervous laugh and that brief flash of vulnerability seemed to be proof that Cordelia considered her body’s reactions to me totally out of her control and desire and that she would forget the whole thing if she could. Forget? Not likely. Somehow, that was precisely what I found myself suggesting except that my tongue tangled into knots of nonsense.
“It wasn’t us,” Cordelia stressed to me when my attempt at an apology drew her quick response. “Nothing to forgive. Already forgotten.”
That adamant dismissal caused me to bite back my denial of that opinion. Not us? It was definitely us and I knew Cordelia wasn’t as unmoved by it as she pretended. But I also knew that it was because she had something to protect: our friendship. It was something neither one of us would jeopardize on a whim or fancy. Not again.
So I agreed to Cordelia’s suggestion, biting back my need to talk about my feelings for her and telling her, “It’s forgotten.”
I’ve always been a skillful liar. Cordelia must have believed me because she gave me one of those brilliant smiles that lit up her face and it was all I could do to keep my hands off of her because of it. Reminding myself that best friends did not give each other passionate goodnight kisses on the doorstep, I simply took her key out of her hand and unlocked the door for her handing it back once she stepped across the threshold.
Cordelia took the keys, her hand brushing mine and instantly our eyes connected. I felt electricity shoot through me at that fleeting touch. Turning away, she called out to her ghostly roommate, “Dennis, I’m home,” and I knew the night had come to an end.
“Goodnight, Cordy,” I shoved my hands in my jacket pockets afraid that if I looked at them they would be trembling from the need to pull her back into my arms.
Almost as if she’d already forgotten my presence, Cordelia glanced back over her shoulder as I soaked up one last look at her lithe form in that gown. Curling strands of her hair, fallen loose from its upswept style, teased at her throat, my eyes drawn there as she turned to me.
“Angel,” she didn’t even bother with goodbye. “Get the door?”
Definitely a dismissal, I realized accepting it as such. Reading between the lines, I figured I was closing the door on something that could never have been more than a dream. Certainly nothing more than a misbegotten fantasy or a momentary thrill due to a century-long spell. It could never mean anything more to us than memory.
So I returned to the Hyperion where I had to deal with Lorne’s all-seeing scrutiny for the two minutes before I encouraged him out the door. My thoughts were focused on Cordelia and I didn’t want to talk about it. I was in danger of falling hard for my best friend if I hadn’t already done so and I needed something to stop me from making an ass of myself in front of her. Something that would keep me grounded.
Then I realized that I was holding my safety net. I had my son to divert me from thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking and Connor cooperatively woke up demanding a bottle. With the baby around, Cordelia was always distracted and that meant she might not notice me trying to avoid her for a while, just until I got myself under control again.
Maybe the idea of using a baby as a crutch should have bothered me, but I was willing to do anything not to ruin what Cordelia and I had salvaged when we built our friendship back up out of the ashes. It was far too important to me.
Hyperion Hotel
Coming downstairs the next afternoon, I fully intended to use my son’s natural baby appeal to open up to Cordelia. With the baby there between us, surely I could focus on our feelings of friendship rather than the lust that had certainly raised its head last night.
Only Cordelia wasn’t at work, nor Fred or Gunn for that matter. Lorne usually slept in even later than I did, so I didn’t bother to look for the Pylean, especially since he’d still be in the mood to talk about last night. Finally, I found Wes puttering around in the office with a glum look on his face.
“Where is everybody?”
I’d asked out of curiosity, but there must have been a little of that old boss’ tone in my voice because Wes gave me a pointed stare informing me, “I gave them the morning off. They’ll all be in this afternoon sometime.”
Wes explained that Fred and Gunn had gone off to have breakfast and hadn’t been seen since. He told me that with a stony expression that made me wonder if I was missing something, but I really didn’t care if Fred was gorging on stacks of pancakes again today.
I was about to casually inquire after Cordelia, but was still caught up in figuring out a way to ask subtly when Wes gave me the news that ruined my day. “Cordelia is at lunch with her new beau.”
“New what?”
Thinking that I must have gotten lost in translation, Wes rephrased, “New boyfriend. She was on the phone two minutes after I told her she could have the day off arranging to have lunch with him.”
To say that I reacted with jealousy over the news might have been an understatement. “Who the hell is this guy? What happened between last night and this morning? Did you meet him?”
“Cordelia was rather animated about telling me everything, actually,” Wes sounded bored with the idea. “Apparently, she met him at an audition ages ago and by some coincidence ran into him at Starbucks this morning.”
My eyes rolled back in Cordy-fashion and a huff of disregard left my throat. I was too focused on reacting to the ridiculous news to realize that I had picked up a few of her bad habits. “He’s an actor?”
I possibly made it sound like he was pond scum.
“No, actually,” Wes corrected me with a sigh. Talk of romantic interludes was not on his list of things to do today.
Just then Cordelia breezed in wearing a tight knit top and a low-slung filmy skirt that left her tiny waist bare to my view. The cascade of her silken hair flowed around her shoulders as she walked into the lobby, a smile on her beautiful face. Sing-songing her greeting, which told me lunch had gone well, she tossed her purse down on the countertop and immediately held her arms out in my direction.
It took me a couple of seconds to realize she wanted her first dose of baby snuggles for the day. Handing Connor over, I watched as Cordelia kissed his downy head and spoke to him with love in her voice as she told him she missed him last night. I wondered if she’d missed me too, but quickly realized the answer must be no.
Not if she’d been so eager to run off to lunch with Mister Hollywood himself.
Making a concerted effort to reign-in my jealousy, which I put down to remnants of the effects of the spell even though I knew that wasn’t the case, I tried to take a friendly interest in what Cordelia had been up to. Wes was still hanging out around the front desk looking like he was setting himself up as a referee when I asked, “Where have you been?”
Yes, the question came out a little more demanding than it should have, but I have a right to be concerned when my best friend goes off to parts unknown with a practical stranger. The last time I let that happen, she ended up pregnant with demon spawn. The hell if I was gonna let some creep take advantage of her again.
Cordelia glanced up from taking in a deep breath of fresh baby scent, her nose tucked into Connor’s neck. She’d been making goo-goo sounds and had the baby gurgling and grinning right along with her until I opened my mouth to start my interrogation. It was in no way just a simple query and we all knew it.
Holding onto the baby, Cordelia continued to look down into his attentive little face and in that soft voice she gets when reminding me to watch my tone around Connor, she answered my question while actually directing her comments to him.
“Aunty Cordy has been to lunch at Locanda Veneta,” she cooed to Connor, but turned for just a second to give me a little smirk as if I was supposed to be impressed. My cluelessness might have been obvious because Cordelia went back to her explanation again, “Just an upmarket little Italian place nobody can get into without reservations…except certain Who’s Who.”
Meaning that her date made the list; I understood that quickly enough. “Who is he?”
Cordelia turned to me after that, no longer speaking to me through Connor. My overly casual voice and the completely fake smile on my face may have thrown her off a bit. I felt like demanding to see a full dossier on the guy, but I kept reminding myself that my best friend apparently wanted to get back to our routine. The date was evidence enough that she’d done as we discussed and already forgotten last night’s spell-induced indiscretions.
“Bartholowmew Cummings III,” her eyebrow arched knowing even I would recognize the name of the old Hollywood family. They produced films and had ties back to the beginnings of the film industry.
She included Wes in her eager account of the perfect details of their perfect lunch at the little Italian trattoria. I started to feel a bit angry about her actually enjoying the experience without me until I thought about the fact that I couldn’t have taken her there anyway. Hello! Daylight. Vampire, remember.
“It was a little crowded and noisy,” she explained with a brush of her hand in the air as if that only gave the place atmosphere. The terra-cotta walls and stone floors certainly did, Cordelia described before telling us all about lunch. I tried to look interested in lobster ravioli with saffron sauce, but frankly I could care less about the food.
This was all just a build-up to telling us more about her no-doubt also perfect date. I decided to get it over with. “Tell us about Bart.”
“He goes by Trey,” Cordelia corrected me as if to tell me he had a much classier name than that irritating cartoon character.
What kind of a name was that? Trey Cummings. Well there would certainly be no cummings of any kind around Cordelia. Not once twice or trey times. Not unless I approved.
Cordelia’s enthusiasm for her date made it clear that this was not a one-time event and she quickly confirmed that by explaining that Trey had arranged dinner for them tomorrow night.
Having convinced myself that Trey Cummings, no matter his Hollywood pedigree or his ability to withstand sunlight, would not lay a finger on my seer unless her desires were perfectly clear in the matter, I took it upon myself to ensure it. Just conceding that Cordy might have desires that did not include me had me on edge. I could accept that she might not want me in that way if it meant maintaining the status quo, but the thought of her choosing to be with another man set off a possessive streak I wasn’t even aware I had.
I suggested to myself that Cordelia was simply trying to forget what happened last night by arranging this date today. I wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to get in over her head or put herself in danger. It was difficult to separate my feelings of friendship from the desire that was so easily brought to mind.
So I convinced myself that it was all about protecting her. From strangers. From things that go bump in the night. From overeager men who would seek to prey upon someone so beautiful. I guess I even added myself to the list, thinking that this was all about keeping our friendship exactly where it should be.
It certainly wasn’t a protective vibe I felt when I saw her step out of her apartment to greet Trey Hollywood Cummings. He matched her description exactly being tall, tawny-haired, well-built and suited in Armani. I admit that I drooled upon seeing his car. That was forgotten the moment I caught sight of Cordelia in that black mini-dress, her legs looking toned and impossibly long, feet strapped into high heels.
The elegant beauty who’d graced my arm at the ballet had transformed herself into a sexy siren. Only the fact that I wasn’t alone in my appreciation of her returned my focus where it needed to be: keeping her safe. They drove across town to a newer restaurant where they were immediately taken inside to their reserved table.
I had followed from a comfortable distance in the Plymouth, but found that getting into the place was even more difficult than finding parking. Then I watched from a carefully chosen spot inside the building as they had their dinner. From my location, I couldn’t hear their conversation, but I could tell from Cordelia’s body language and expressions that her initial excitement over this date had started to wear thin.
That didn’t mean she wasn’t going to give him a chance at fixing the situation or that Trey Hollywood wouldn’t try to recoup his investment in escorting Cordelia to dinner. As soon as I realized that they were headed out of the restaurant, I took advantage of my natural speed, made it to my car and was ready to follow. After the first five minutes, I could tell that they were headed straight back to Cordelia’s apartment instead of moving onto a club like I figured they might.
So I took a few of the usual shortcuts, picked out a covert parking place for my car and made it to Cordelia’s front door before they got close. Time enough for me to go inside and give Dennis a head’s up. I thought that I’d have time to make it out again after gaining the ghost’s cooperation but Trey must’ve hit every green light in Los Angeles getting back here.
Cordelia and Trey were standing at the door when I took the first step outside. The shock on their faces was probably no less than my own. Thinking fast, I had to come up with some excuse for being there. Telling Cordelia I’d been following her and her date all evening would not have gone over very well. As it was, I could already see the growing suspicion in her eyes once the initial surprise wore off.
“Angel, what are you doing here?” I noticed that Trey’s head quirked a little as if he recognized my name. Had Cordelia been talking about me or just the fact that she worked for Angel Investigations?
“Cordelia’s boss,” he gave me a look that suggested he was sizing up a rival.
Neither Cordelia nor I corrected him. She was still waiting for her answer while I was glaring back at Trey. Natural menace comes in handy now and then. I kept it up until his blue eyes darted away nervously.
“I didn’t expect you two back so early,” I commented smoothly giving myself credit for not stumbling over an explanation. “I just popped in to see if the refrigerator was fully stocked.”
Trey made an attempt at sounding suave and getting in a dig at the same time, “Putting champagne on ice for us?”
“No, I was headed to the butcher shop,” I snapped. At least I didn’t come right out and say I was checking my blood supply, but I knew that Cordelia would think it was a legitimate reason for my presence.
“Perk of the job,” Cordelia quickly explained. “Some people get Christmas bonuses and pension plans. I get Angel’s bl— meat.”
Trey’s jaw clenched and unclenched, trying to find his way to understanding Cordy’s words. “Your boss gives you his meat?” There was a hard emphasis on the last word as if he was trying to read between the lines.
“Every other day,” she rolled her eyes.
“As long as we’re talking steaks and hamburgers,” Trey chuckled as he read a little too much, “I guess that’s okay.”
Cordelia obviously caught onto the ribald turn in the topic. She faced me with a fury as she realized we’d somehow fallen into suggesting I was putting it to my secretary three times a week. Her hand curled into the lapel of my jacket as she pulled a little closer to ensure that I saw the emerald glint of anger in her eyes.
“So you’re Cordelia’s date,” I stated the obvious. Thinking he looked shorter than I did, I straightened my spine and stood as close to Cordelia as possible. “I’m Angel.”
Trey used his full name when introducing himself. We didn’t bother to shake hands. Both of us knew that we hated each other at first sight and that in a few minutes one of us wasn’t going to be standing on Cordelia’s doorstep. “Guess you better get going then, Angel. Butcher shop must be closing soon.”
“It’s open all night,” I informed him refusing to budge an inch away from the door. My shoulders were pretty much blocking either of them from going inside. “I’m not really in a hurry.”
Giving me another suspicious glance, Cordelia slowly released her hold on my lapel and turned back to Trey. “Y’know, it’s a good thing that Angel showed up tonight.”
“It is?” Both Trey and I asked only to glare at each other for doing so.
Letting out a huff, Cordelia dramatically slapped her hand on her forehead. “I can’t believe I forgot to tell you about the Harris-Rosenberg case.”
“The what?” Apparently my skill at lying was exceeded only by hers.
Her eyes popped open, staring hard, “See. I forgot to tell you. They’re coming first thing in the morning.”
“Xander and Willow?”
Cordelia stared at me with growing exasperation and I finally got it. She was trying to give Mister Hollywood the brush off and I wasn’t helping. I remedied that quickly enough. “Sorry, Trey. Looks like you’ll have to go. Can’t have you listening in on the case. Confidential investigational material.”
“I understand,” Trey answered as he stared down into Cordelia’s eyes looking a little sad. Not that I was going to feel sorry for him. Good riddance. Especially since Cordy seemed to want him gone too. His blue gaze flicked to me for a second before it returned to her. “Everything you said tonight suddenly makes sense.”
I got the feeling that Trey wasn’t the dumb ox I imagined him to be. Something that Cordelia had said to him had been about me and I burned with curiosity at knowing what it was, though not enough to delay his exit.
“Guess this is it, doll,” Trey commented ruefully as he bent down and stole a kiss from Cordelia knowing it would piss me off.
I heard Cordelia’s in-drawn breath just before he touched her and it was all I could do to suppress the growl that churned in my chest. I wanted to grab Cordelia by the arms and pull her away from the presumptive prick who dared to touch what was mine. Somehow, I managed to control the urge to rip him apart.
That hot, flaming possessive rage licked at my insides. It was only the look of fear that appeared on the man’s face when he lifted his head and saw my expression that finally calmed me down again. Though my face hadn’t shifted, I could tell that he’d seen something in my eyes that scared him. Trey hastily excused himself and made a quick escape to his very nice car.
Only after the car’s taillights disappeared in the distance did Cordelia turn to face me. She was silent for a moment, looking up and down at me as if expecting to find something. Then her finger poked into my chest and she pushed me back into the apartment. I backed up and we both waited for Dennis to close the door before we spoke.
Ladies first. “That was the most lameass excuse for being here, Angel.”
“Sounded good to me.”
“Pfft! It would,” Cordelia tossed her tiny handbag onto the couch and proceeded to remove her shoes one after the other sighing as her toes curled into the carpet. “It was nice that you want to check up on me, but I’m a big girl. I can handle things myself.”
Grateful that she didn’t immediately pick up on the fact that I had been following her or that I was as angry as hell that Trey kissed her, I decided to let her in on a small part of the truth. “I came here to talk to Dennis.”
Cordy pulled off her earrings, dropping them into the palm of her hand, fiddling with them as she contemplated my words. “To Dennis? Since when do you talk to my ghost? You barely spoke to him when you were staying here much less after you moved into the hotel.”
“True, but I wanted to make sure you’d be safe tonight. That he wouldn’t let Trey do anything you didn’t want.” Then I found myself saying, “You’ve had enough of that lately.”
Her lush mouth dropped open into a surprised ‘O’ as I brought up the forbidden subject of night before last. Ignoring it, Cordelia commented, “Dennis always keeps an eye on me.”
“Too close an eye,” I had to laugh at the sudden and irrational flash of jealousy that sprouted at the idea that Dennis could see Cordelia anytime and in any state of dress he desired. My stupidity in being jealous of a ghost wasn’t lost on me. Fortunately, I saw the humor in it too. “What was that you once said about a loofah?”
Cordelia grinned at me and I felt relieved at the thought she might not be mad at me for showing up. “Like I said…Dennis is the best. Next to you.”
Compared to a ghost. It could be worse, I suppose. At least it distracted me from thoughts of erasing Trey’s touch from Cordelia’s lips by kissing her. “How’d it go?”
My casual tone surprised even me. Cordelia dropped the earrings back and forth between her hands several times before answering. “I was bored. He talked about filmmaking and acting and all the things I thought I would love, but Trey went on and on about it. He wasn’t that way at lunch the other day.”
“What did you talk about then?”
“Me,” answered Cordy simply. “My acting career.”
It had been quite a while since she’d even mentioned it much less gone to an audition. I was quick to point out that he may have taken her as a job-seeking actress. Reminding her of Russell Winters, I suggested Trey might have thought to use the old casting couch ploy.
The fact that Cordelia did not immediately bite my head off for suggesting it made me think I’d been right. “I think I confused him when I started talking about Angel Investigations. We didn’t even get to dessert before I knew I wanted to leave.”
“You certainly got back here fast enough,” I commented only to realize that Cordy’s eyes narrowed in response.
“How’d you know?”
“It’s still early,” I shrugged hoping she’d take that as an answer. “Quick dinner.”
Cordelia nodded, “Yeah. Sorry to drag you into it, but I was trying to figure out a way to get rid of him when you opened the door.”
“So you won’t be seeing him again.” Did that sound smug? I hoped not, but I could not stem the tide of triumph that claimed me.
“No.”
I kept my mouth shut after that knowing that whatever came out would sound too pleased by the notion. I’d be able to relax now and we’d get back into that same old rhythm of our lives. We’d be friends, we’d take care of my son, and we’d train together.
There’d be no more dates with Trey Hollywood.
“I’d better go,” I told her. The longer I stood there looking at her, the harder it was to step away. Finding myself calculating the length of time it would take to get her out of that dress was a definite sign that I had to be out of there.
Reaching out, Cordelia touched my arm, just the gentle pressure of her hand against the sleeve of my jacket. “It’s still early. Stay a while. It’ll only take me a minute to get out of this dress.”
Five seconds, baby, with my help of course.
That wasn’t what Cordelia meant. No doubt she planned to cover that lithe body up in her favorite comfort clothes. She’d have Dennis popping popcorn in the microwave while we curled up on the couch watching a movie that would either make no sense to me or would leave me laughing in all the wrong places.
We hadn’t done that it a while and certainly never alone. The idea tempted me, but I knew that I couldn’t handle that so soon. Not when thoughts of Cordelia and couches brought up…far more than just a few lustful memories.
“Better not,” sounding deeper than usual, my voice was already starting to betray my desires. My hands, of their own accord, wandered up to touch her face. I saw the question in her eyes and only barely managed to redirect my path by pressing my lips to her forehead instead of where I really wanted to place them. “Goodnight, Cordy.”
“Angel,” she sounded out my name on the lush lips I’d wanted to kiss.
I didn’t wait for remonstration. Nor did I look to see if there was anger in those eyes that sometimes said so much. I left.
Driving back to the hotel, I tried to forget how Cordelia felt in my arms. Suppressing images that filled my head. Willing my body not to respond to the memories of my mouth on her breast and my fingers sliding along the slick folds of her sex. Focusing on tonight’s triumph was my only recourse.
Unfortunately, it was short-lived. No less than two days later, Cordy was at it again. There was another guy. This one she’d struck up a conversation with at the local Dry Cleaners. I couldn’t believe that she was picking up dates there. Someone who didn’t have a housekeeper to take care of his dry cleaning had never been on Cordelia’s ‘To Do’ list.
Even Cordelia admitted it when I casually asked her about her upcoming date. She was vague. Not in a suspicious way, just evasive. As if there was something about the guy she didn’t want me to know.
This was worse than Trey Cummings. Cordelia had no idea who or what Mister Dry Cleaners was all about. He could be a serial killer for all she knew about him. The fact that Cordelia didn’t give me enough information to have him investigated forced my hand.
I had no choice but to protect her from this potential opportunist.
The three times they were supposed to go out together, I managed to arrange for Cordelia to be too busy with work, too grungy from cleaning or too occupied with Connor to be able to go out with Dry Cleaner Dave. Finally, both of them just gave up deciding that it was too much effort.
I had to give the guy credit for persistence. He’d apparently tried to offer to pick her up at the hotel, but Cordelia told him she wanted to keep her work life separate from her personal life. I’d overheard the phone conversation, felt a twinge of guilt at doing so and a modicum of jealousy over the thought that she wanted a personal life that didn’t include me.
Then I got over the guilt.
Things were fine for a few days until I noticed Cordelia spending an awful lot of time with Wesley. Their conversations would stop whenever I approached even when making an effort to ease up unnoticed. Apparently, Cordelia had grown radar that could detect me at a hundred paces and all I could do was recall that it was my own fault for teaching her to be ultra-aware of her surroundings during our training sessions.
I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something going on there. Had I missed out on seeing some spark between them? They’d always laughed over their botched kiss back in our Sunnydale days. Now I was catching Cordelia holding Wes’ hand against her face as they talked quietly or putting her arms around him.
She kissed his cheek once and I met Wes’ gaze from across the room. Guess he did not like what he saw there because he separated himself from Cordelia immediately. No sooner had Cordy gone out to pick up sandwiches from the deli across the street than Wes ordered me into his office.
Putting Connor down in the portable bassinet that Cordy kept by her desk, I stepped into Wesley’s office. Dragging the baby into this was not something I wanted to do because I had a feeling things were going to be said in a way that Connor did not need to witness. The kid had already been subjected to my jealous vibes as Lorne called them.
If something was going on between Wes and Cordelia was I really going to try to stop it? They were both important to me. I trusted Wes and I knew that he would never hurt Cordelia. He was human, alive, not evil, intelligent and a whole slew of other qualities that made it impossible to find fault if Cordelia ever made that choice.
What if she did? What if she’d already made it? What if that’s what Wes was planning to tell me?
Now I fully admit that the idea had me just a little deranged. There was a growl in my voice as I approached his desk…formerly my desk, “Get it over with. Say what you have to say.”
“Sit down, Angel.”
“I’d rather stand.” In fact, I was pacing like a caged tiger across the office floor, eyeing my friend with suspicion and using my predatory senses to evaluate his every reaction.
There was no nervousness on his part, which was a good thing. Right? I wasn’t here to frighten him off or to warn him not to touch Cordelia. I just wanted to hear it from him if there was something going on. Then I’d deal with the fallout.
The closer I looked, the more I noticed that Wes appeared quietly determined. “Fine. Just understand that I’m in no mood to deal with lovesick employees at the moment. I need you focused on the mission, not Cordelia.”
“I’m focused,” I assured him. Then I got to the questions that were plaguing me and since he’d used the word, I asked, “Lovesick? Is Cordelia bothering you? She’s been acting a little…”
Wesley sighed deeply and cut me off, “Angel, you’re so caught up in chasing after Cordelia that you’re blind to almost everything around you.”
Chasing after her? “I am not.”
“Be careful,” Wes cautioned me. “You’re too close to her for it to mean nothing. I’m here to caution you against any action that might lead to my needing to stake you.”
He was worried about Angelus, I realized. Guess it was time to tell Wes what Lorne had already revealed to me. “My soul is secure.”
The guarded look he gave me suggested Wesley wasn’t completely convinced. I had to provide more details and when finally he sat back in his chair there was a look of relief on his face. I’d lifted that burden away. Then I had to speak in my own defense as I recalled his accusation of chasing Cordelia.
“I’m not blind, Wes,” I told him. “If there is something going on between you two, then just tell me.”
A cold laugh emerged from his chest and there was pity in his eyes. I hated that look and demanded to know what the hell he meant by it.
“I have no designs on Cordelia,” he said though I quickly responded by pointing out the evidence of their touchy-feely behaviors. “I have been going through a rough time since the night of the ballet and Cordelia has been helping me deal with it.”
Frowning, I tried to think of what had happened to Wes that night. Gunn was the one with the flesh wound. I’d heard that Fred had patched him up since Cordelia hadn’t come into the hotel. Then I realized that I had seen Fred and Gunn together quite a lot over the last few days or not seen them because they were out together.
“Is something going on with Fred and Gunn?” I asked for clarification.
“Welcome to my world,” Wes commented sardonically. “Love is in the air at Angel Investigations and I’m choking on it.”
“Fred and Gunn are in love?” I didn’t automatically connect the idea that he was also talking about Cordy and me.
Wes confirmed, “They’ve been dating ever since the ballet.”
I was hit by the sudden realization that Fred and Gunn had somehow managed to bridge the impossible gap between friendship and love. They’d taken a step that I— that Cordelia and I couldn’t take. Not without risking everything. Jealousy twisted my gut into knots as I thought of them easily managing something that was well beyond my reach.
Maybe I was slowly going mad. Everything she did made me want her. I tried to stay away, but that didn’t work because I missed her smile and her nonsensical chatter about the latest Cosmo poll. So did Connor who protested when I decided Cordelia might need a break from the weight of my constant stare.
Much later, I was in the middle of the bed, Connor raised above me, watching as he gurgled and grinned at my vampiric features when her knock sounded on my door. In frozen tableau, I stared at the door waiting for Cordelia to pop her head in, but she waited for me to call out the okay. So I shifted back and lowered Connor so that his back rested against my bent legs.
“Come on in, Cordy.”
She didn’t bother to ask how I knew it was her. I always knew. What I rarely could discern was her reason for coming. At least as long as it took for her to open her mouth because she was never one to beat around the bush when diving straight in managed to get her what she wanted. Tonight the reason was obvious.
This was the first time she’d been in my bedroom since before the night of the ballet. Even now her step seemed tentative as she realized what she’d come for was to be found in the middle of my bed. I had no illusions that it was me.
Since there was nothing case-wise going on, it was getting close to time for Cordelia to go home. I had deprived her of Connor for the past few hours and she’d finally taken the bait and come looking for her baby snuggles.
“I’m leaving,” Cordelia explained to me. “Can I say goodnight to Connor?”
“Sure.”
She looked as if she expected me to climb off of the bed and put him in her arms. I wasn’t feeling that cooperative. All the thinking I’d done about Fred and Gunn made me think that maintaining our status quo relationship was impossible. Things and people changed all of the time.
Maybe—
I felt the mattress springs shift as Cordelia climbed up onto the bed one knee at a time, sitting with her back to me as she faced the baby. Connor’s eyes lit up the moment he saw her.
“There you are,” Cordelia made those cooing noises that always grabbed the baby’s attention. “My sweet baby, Aunty Cordy’s here to get her share of snuggles.”
I’d be only too happy to oblige with the snuggling, though I had a sneaking suspicion that wasn’t the only thing I’d be happy to provide.
As she shifted a little closer, Cordelia put a hand on my stomach and the muscles instantly tensed beneath her touch. She must have felt it too because her hand moved away so fast I might have imagined it being there. Reaching for Connor, she picked up the baby and scooted off of the bed.
It didn’t matter that I knew she liked to rock and walk with Connor at the same time; it just felt like she was evading me. Call it predatory instinct or plain stupidity, I was off the bed and on my feet in a matter of seconds hovering close as she whispered to Connor that she would see him tomorrow.
Placing a kiss on his downy baby hair, Cordelia turned to hand him back to me. She paused catching the look on my face, which must have held a kind of wonderment at the picture they made. Anyone seeing them would never guess that Connor was a motherless child.
“Are you going to take him back or is he coming to the apartment with me tonight?” Cordelia stared at me like I’d grown a third eye until I realized I wasn’t moving. I took Connor holding him in the crook of my left arm.
Seeing that the baby was settled, Cordelia started to move away. Being so close and still feeling that warm rush as I realized just how important she was to my son as well as me, I circled my hand around her upper arm holding her next to me. Cordelia looked a little like a deer caught in the glare of the headlights as she glanced up at me, for good reason, too.
I had every intention of telling her she wasn’t going anywhere. There was no plan after that; I simply didn’t want her to leave.
That was why I needed to let her go, but not before I said, “Goodnight, Cordy.”
“Angel,” she sounded out my name and it felt like a caress against my skin. Palming her face, I pressed a kiss to her forehead and then another against her cheek.
***
I’d made the mistake of letting her out of my room, allowing Cordelia to escape my attentions. At the last second, I realized the destination of my next kiss and the sight of her lush mouth turned up to mine was almost enough to make me forget myself. It was so easy to let emotions rule your actions and mine were a twisted mess.
Unfortunately, the baby squirmed in my arms caught between us and I had to let her go. Cordelia stepped back with a hasty goodnight and was gone within seconds. The sound of her heart thundering against her ribs made it clear that I’d overstepped the bounds of friendship. Her footsteps in the hall and on the stairs carried her away at a fast pace.
So which was it…fortune or misfortune…a mistake? When it came to Cordelia, I was rapidly starting to lose touch with my own understanding of our relationship. In my head the difference between friends and lovers was always an absolutely defined line. Then again, I’d never really had friends since my human days and even then they were my roustabout drinking buddies never female. I suppose that I never really knew the definition of true friendship until Cordelia came along. Doyle, Wesley, Gunn and Fred…I know exactly what category to place them in.
Fred’s a woman. Take her for example. She’s quickly become part of our close-knit family of friends. Her quirky ways and brainy schemes fascinate me. Part of me is completely relieved that she’s fallen for Gunn because it means that Fred has gotten over the crush she developed after I saved her in Pylea.
I’d defend Fred with my life just as I would the others, but comparing my friendship with her to what I have with Cordelia seems…well, I don’t know what it seems. That is half the problem.
I’ve known Cordy longer. We’ve been through so much together. She’s my seer. The pain she feels is real when the visions come and it’s all because of me, but she takes it and goes on. Between the two of us, I sometimes think she’s the real champion to put up with everything that the PTB send her way. I’m just the muscle that makes it happen.
Does she know how much I value her presence in my life, that I’d do anything for her, anything to keep her at my side? Is that why I’ve been so ‘overprotective’ as she calls it? I’m just assuring her safety.
Vampires are known to be possessive of things they’ve claimed. That includes their childer, mates, pets, minions and belongings. Most vampires don’t have souls or the emotional ties that I do much less true friends. Is it any wonder I have trouble in categorizing where they and especially Cordelia fit in my life?
I’ve known Wesley almost as long as Cordelia. We’ve had such ups and downs in our relationship and our friendship is stronger for it. He sees me for what I am and could be despite everything he knows about my past. He has a strength and determination I never would have suspected upon first glance back in Sunnydale, a resolve to do what is right no matter the consequences.
Because of that, I trust him with my life because I know he’d be willing to take it if the circumstances dictated the need to do so. I love him like the brother I never had. Despite my two-hundred plus years in excess existence, Wes sometimes takes on that older brother air, especially when he’s talking to me about Cordelia. I appreciate his counsel even when I choose to ignore it.
Gunn is the same, the younger counterpart to Wesley. If he wasn’t so caught up in his new relationship with Fred, he’d probably be trying to kick my ass for my recent behavior. He’s as protective of Cordelia as I am. Treats her like a sister and would be watching me like a hawk if he had the ability to read my mind, had a clue of what went on the night of the ballet or was observant enough to notice that I can’t keep my eyes off of her these days.
Not that I can’t be trusted. I’m doing my best to protect her. From me. I’m just not going to let anyone else take advantage of her while I’m at it.
Lovers fall into such a separate category from friends. At least they always have for me as I sit here contemplating the subject. I could draw a line down the center of a blank page and easily put people into columns.
Darla…that’s an easy one. She and my childer all fell into the same category and it wasn’t friendship.
When it comes to Buffy, I’m ashamed to admit it, but we were never really friends. I watched over her, fought for her, protected her and loved her, but we were never really anything but star-crossed lovers. I know that now. I think I knew it then, but would never have admitted it to myself. I was too caught up in her to see beyond the moment and it led to my own downfall.
Technically, placing Cordelia on that list should be easy. Friend. That’s what she is and always has been to me. Well, except when she was more of an irritating beauty with a penchant for hitting on me back in our early Sunnydale days. How different she is now than then only somehow even more beautiful to me because she no longer hides behind a metaphorical mask.
Cordelia is radiant and good and pure of heart and I’m drawn to that inner beauty as much as I am to her physical form. The more I think about her, the more I want her. She should be mine in every way there is to be mine. I fantasize about taking her, claiming her, loving her until she’s physically dependant upon me for the pleasure I can give her.
Maybe I’m just a little obsessed with the idea.
So to which category does Cordelia belong? She’s never been my lover, but I want her to be. She is my friend and I’ve fought so hard to get that back, I don’t want to chance losing it. I can’t lose it. I won’t lose it.
I just need to keep control. Be supportive. Be the friend that I say I am. Ignore the jealousy that pulls at my reigns whenever she dares to talk to another man. As long as she’s safe, as long as it’s what she wants, I have to try to let her live her life.
Now that her attempted dating stint with Dry Cleaner Dave was over, I thought that I could relax. Not so. As if my goodnight kisses, however close or distant they might have been to her lips, spurred Cordelia into action, she announced the next day that she had a dinner scheduled with yet another guy.
Where were these men coming from? Had they always been around and I never saw their interest in Cordelia or was it because she hadn’t been interested in them that I ignored their presence? This was someone else I’d never met and I figured to do the same with Musician Mike as I did with Dave from the Dry Cleaners. My plotting didn’t get very far. This time intervention came directly from the PTB.
Cordelia had a vision and had to cancel her evening plans thanks to the migraine that lingered even after the mission was complete. Part of me was selfishly grateful to the PTB for their timing, but seeing the woman I— seeing Cordelia in pain quickly squashed my momentary glee that Mike would be making music on his own tonight.
I’d bundled Cordelia into my arms, tucked her into my bed and arranged for Fred to take care of Connor just so Cordy could get some rest. So what if she has her own bedroom here at the hotel, I never consciously thought about it at the time. All I knew was I put her where she belonged.
Continued |