Go TeamC/A
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Title: The Price of Forgiveness
Author: (Only) Anne
Posted here: 08/05
Rating: R
Category: A/C
Content:
Summary:
Spoilers:
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made. In addition, the part of the song mentioned in Part 3 is not mine either, it belongs to Everlast 'Eat at Whitey's', the song- 'Love for Real'- I apologize to Everlast, I love the CD, really it's my favorite right now, but Angel(in my warped universe, not Joss's) thought it was appropriate, but dumb.
Distribution: As long as you tell me where it is, it's okay.
Notes:
Thanks/Dedication:
Feedback:Please, I need it, this part is angsy and I don't know whether I should continue.
Chapter One:Cordelia sat on the couch staring at her Christmas tree. Every once in awhile a shaky delicate hand would reach up and brush away the tears falling from her eyes. She tried to concentrate on the lights surrounding the tree and the obscure patterns they flickered through out the darkened room. But, every time she tried to focus or have a complete thought a sharp pain would shoot through her chest. Cordelia tried to stop her thoughts, so the pain wouldn't come. She gulped at the wine in her hand trying to numb the fear and pain in her soul. More tears fell as she acknowledged that it was no use. Angel had fired her, really fired her. He had purposely cut off any connection between the two of them. And it wasn't just her; he had also cut off Wesley and Gunn. What was she suppose to do? She cried in the pillow.
When Angel had first said that they were fired, she hadn't believed him. Cordelia knew that he was upset, more upset than she had ever seen him before. And while the whole letting the evil lawyers die at the whims of Darla and Drusila was not a good thing, in fact it was a really not good thing, and something that needed to be seriously discussed, she knew instinctively that then wasn't the right time. So, she had told Gunn and Wesley to go home and come back to work the next day, and then they could try to get through to Angel. Cordelia had been confident and optismistic. After all, Angel needed them, they were family. No matter how mixed up the Darla situation had made him, he still needed needed them, right? No, she thought in despair.
She remembered Angel's coldness and anger when they returned the next day. He told them to get out. Angel had said that they weren't wanted or needed. Well, she thought in distress, he had said more than that. His words and tone had been cruel and unforgivable. That day, Angel had left his friends shocked and hurt in the lobby. That time she had gone after the vampire. Cordelia cringed at the memory, the pain shooting through her chest.
Cordelia had followed Angel up to his room. She had started to get real mad. It had been true that Cordelia could have cared less about Darla's well being. She hated the human Darla and the vamp Darla, but she knew that Angel had cared, so she had tried to as understanding as she could about the situation. That was until Angel lied to them, ignored them, berated them and turned away from them. Angel had turned away from her. She had been livid.
"Just who in the hell do you think you are?" She barged into his suite.
"Cordelia, get out of here," he shouted back.
"Not until I have my say," she stormed. "You can't just fire us, me! I am your goddamn, migrane feeling seer, remember?"
"Get out!"
"No! You can't ignore me. Redemption, remember?"
"I don't care!"
"Don't care? You don't care, that you have a chance to be human again, that your soul can be saved?"
"Saved?," he growled. "Saved? How can it be, when I failed. Darla is lost!"
"Darla?! That blonde bitch was lost before this all started," she yelled back.
Angel turned growling at Cordelia. "Get the hell out now!"
Cordelia stared at Angel in his vampire visage, her tears of sadness and anger falling down her face. "You would give up all that you have worked for, suffered for...for that bitch?"
Angel growled and shot his hand to her throat. Cordelia gasped as his grip tightened around her neck. She struck at his arm, struggling against his superior strength. "Angel," she gasped.
Angel stared at his hand clutched around her slim neck, in shock. He suddenly released his hold. Cordelia jerked back and fell to the floor, her hand rubbing the reddening mark on her neck.
"Cordy," he said brokenly his human face firmly in place.
Cordelia pushed her self up against the wall working her way to her feet. She stared at the vampire, not knowing who he was anymore. "They won, Holland and Darla, they got what they wanted...Angelus," she choked.
"I am not Angelus," he said quietly, still shocked at what he had done.
"No, you are worse, your are Angelus with a soul." She backed towards the door. "It looks like you win too, I am so gone from here. I told you more than once that I would be with you all the way to your redemption and I meant it with all my heart and soul, but I guess that is no longer your goal. So, goodbye," she said gathering her strength. Cordelia did not give the vampire a backwards look as she calmly left the room.
That had been over a week ago. And at that time, Cordelia had meant it when she told Angel goodbye. At that time she had hated him. Angel actually had hurt her, physically and emotionally, something she had never thought him capable of. She couldn't forgive him. She wouln't forgive him. But that had been over a week ago. Cordelia had gotten over her anger at the vampire with in the next two days.
Then she had been just sad and determined. Cordelia had to get through to Angel. More than just her heart was on the line. Yes, she had finally admitted to herself, that she loved Angel with every fiber of her being, but it wasn't just because of her feelings that she had to get through to him. Cordelia had to reach him because of all of the helpless souls out there. So she went back to the hotel. That time she had gone to the vampire in love and determination, not in anger. Cordelia went up to Angel's suite.
Angel had been sitting in the chair by the bed. He hadn't even looked up when she stood by the door. Cordelia had stared at the vampire. He looked horrible. He was dishelveled and paler than usual. Cordelia had stood there for a moment longer then turned back downstairs. She returned a few moments later with a large mug full of warm blood.
"Here, you have to eat, drink, whatever," she said shoving the mug towards the vampire. Angel shot out a hand a knocked the mug to the floor. Cordelia glanced down at the pig's blood congealing on the fabric of her shirt. "Gee, I promise you, there was no cimmamon or nutmeg or anything in that now wortheless batch of pig's blood," she said in a weak attempt at humor. Angel ignored her and settled back into the statue mode he had been in earlier.
Cordelia sighed and knelt down by his side. She tentatively placed her small hands on Angel's knees. "Angel, please talk to me. We have to work through this together, you can't be alone, you need us, you need me. I need you," she pleaded softly.
"Go away," he said gruffly pushing her hands away. "I don't need you or want you here. When will you get that through that superficial brain of yours? You are an annoying, whinning, usless pest. When will you grasp that concept?" He shrugged. "Probably never, you are too self-absorbed to ever believe it. What is it you say, get a clue? I don't want you or need you."
Cordelia closed her eyes at the pain his words caused her. His words triggered all of her insecurities, all of her feelings of worthlessness and rejection that she had felt first from her parents, then from the whole Scooby gang.
"No," she struggled with her anquish.
"Yes. If you don't leave, I will." Angel stood over the distraught girl sitting on the floor. "Don't be here when I get back," he said coldly. Cordelia's heart broke as the vampire left the room. She stayed on the floor curled in a tight ball sobbing for what seemed like forever. As soon as there were no more tears left in her, she slowly got up. Cordelia looked around the room, wiping her eyes. What was she suppose to do, now? she thought in fear. The one most important person in her life had finally and definitely rejected her. Well, what else is new, she had thought with pain. She moved in a daze out of the room.
Cordelia didn't even know how she had left the hotel that night. But somehow she had made it safely back to her apartment. Cordelia had fallen exhausted and beaten on the couch. Dennis had gently laid a blanket over the despondent girl. That had been two days ago.
Now, it was Christmas Eve and she was alone. Granted, Wesley had called to see if she was okay and offered to come over. Wesley had called ever day since they had been fired. But Cordelia couldn't be with anyone, not yet. So, she declined his invitation. Though, a part of her had realized that Wesley was also going through some pain at Angel's callousness and that the former watcher needed her friendship. But she wasn't up to dealing with a distraught Wesley, not yet. Oh god, she thought remembering the sound of pain in Wesley's voice, she was selfish, just like Angel had said. No, Angel wasn't right, she was a different person than she had been.
"Dennis," she called to her ghostly roommate. "Where's the phone? I have to call Wesley." She looked around the room. "Thanks," she said as she grabbed the portable phone floating in front of her.
"Wesley?"
"Cordelia, are you all right?"
"Yes. I just wanted to invite....No...," she screamed clutching her head in pain. Dennis caught the phone as it fell to the floor.
"Cordelia!" Wesley's voice yelled over the phone. Wesley tensed as he heard Cordelia's scream of pain through the phone.
"Cordelia," he repeated. "I will be right there," he yelled through the phone. "Dennis, get her some water and aspirin. I will be right there," he repeated hanging up the phone. Wesley grabbed his jacket and ran out of his apartment. Wesley attempted to call Angel from his cell phone as he ran the red lights on the empty street towards Cordelia's apartment. Finally, after numerous repeated rings of the phone, Angel answered.
"What?!"
"Angel," Wesley heard the growl on the other end. "Cordelia has had a vision," he hurried, yelling to overcome the sound of his motorcycle. He got nothing in response except a dial tone. Wesley was tempted to throw the phone in the street. But he held on to it, realizing that it was a dark souled vampire that he really wished to throw in the streets. He clutched at the phone as he dangerously made the next turn. He punched in Gunn's number as he tried to navigate the street and hold on to the phone.
"Gunn," he shouted into the phone. "Get to Cordelia's now. Vision."
***
Cordelia grasped at the water and painkillers from the air gratefully. "Thanks," she moaned. "Paper and pen, please," she said weakly. She wanted Angel he used to always hold her until she felt better. Except for the last time, she grimaced. But still, she thought, just maybe. "And the phone, please," she asked hopefully. Cordelia called Angel. The phone rang repeatedly with no answer. Now what? she thought in despair. Cordelia got up and started to gather the weapons she had in the apartment. There weren't many. Cordelia had only some stakes and holy water, but not much else. All of the real heavy duty arsenal had been moved out with Angel, she thought with disgust.
Wesley came rushing into the apartment a few moments later. "Cordelia, are you...."
"I am fine, now. There is a woman about to be butchered by some very ugly mean type demon." She glanced at her watch. "Soon."
"Ange..." Wesley started.
"Won't help, I know. But we can't let her die," Cordelia said with determination.
"No." Wesley started to help Cordelia put what little weapons she had into the knapsack. "I did call... Gunn," he said to the young man standing in the doorway holding his own bag. "What's the deal?"
"The deal is a very nasty, lethal demon and it is just us," said Cordelia moving towards the door.
"Okay," Gunn said following the girl out of the apartment.
***
The trio reached the alley Cordelia had seen in her vision with in minutes. "Now what," Gunn whispered.
"Gee, I don't know, Angel usually just goes barreling in, but seeing as we can be a little bit more killed than he, I suggest we go in more quiet like," Cordelia whispered back.
"Okay, I will go over there," Wesley said. "Gunn, you go to the left. Cordelia maybe you should just stay by the car," he suggested softly.
"Wesley, we don't have the luxury of keeping me out of harms way. In fact, I think I need to go straight down the middle and draw out the demon. Maybe he will go for me rather than the other woman, seeing she is not here yet. We better hurry. Let's go," she said with conviction.
The men nodded and followed several feet off to the side in the darkness. The demon materalized immediately as Cordelia reached the center of the alley. She stilled in momentary fear at the sight of the large demon. Cordelia took a deep breath and lunged towards it, stake first. The wooden stake crumbled as it hit the demon's tough hide. Wesley and Gunn simultaneously attacked the demon. But the creature was too strong. It tossed them aside as if they were paper dolls. Cordelia dazed from her fall, fumbled around on the ground for anything stronger than her stakes. She sighed in relief as she felt a long leaden pipe. She got up slowly, trying not to draw the demon's attention. Cordelia crept up behind the demon and swung with all her might at the creature's neck. She was rewarded with a howl of pain. The demon turned on her, lashing out and knocking her to the ground. Cordelia gasped in pain as she hit the pavement. She looked around. "Gunn, the pipe," she said throwing the make do weapon towards the street kid struggling to get to his feet.
"Got it," he said picking up the pipe and swinging towards the demon.
The creature screamed again in pain as Gunn's blow landed on its head. Wesley scrambled to his feet looking around for another type of weapon. He grabbed at a large piece of granite at his feet. Wesley threw the block of stone at the creature. The demon growled and lunged at the former watcher. Wesley couldn't get away in time. The demon picked up his human body and threw him head first into the brick building aligning the alley.
Cordelia screamed in panic and rage as she saw Wesley crumble to the ground. She picked up a cinder block and jumped onto the creature. She attatched herself to its back with a firm grip on its neck and pounded the cinder block into its skull. The demon fell to the ground howling in pain and rage. Once it was on the ground, Cordelia let loose her hold. She got to her feet and kicked the demon straight in the temple. "Gunn," she gasped.
"Got it," the young man cried as he drove the lead pipe trough the demon's skull.
Cordelia ran towards Wesley's still body. "Gunn, I think...." Cordelia broke into sobs, her cry louder than the demon's death wail. Gunn threw the bloody pipe down and ran to her. He leant down to feel for Wesley's pulse.
"It's okay, I feel a pulse, but it is weak, very weak."
"Take him to the hospital, now," she ordered.
"Of course. Wait, you aren't coming?"
"No," she said getting up brushing off her torn clothes. "I have something to do." Cordelia started to limp out of the alley.
"Barbie doll, you should be checked out, too," Gunn said with concern.
Cordelia smiled slightly. "No, I am okay, just a little bruised. Take Wesley to the hospital. I will meet you there in a little while. Go. Don't worry. I will be fine," she said firmly.
***
Cordelia caught a cab down the street from the alley. For the first time that she could remember, she didn't give a shit about how she looked or the people that stared at her. Cordelia gave the driver the address of the Hyperion** hotel.
The driver looked speculatively at the girl. Cordelia's clothes were torn and dirty and a large bruise was forming on her pretty face. "You do have money?"
"Yes," she glared menacingly at the man. "Take me there."
***
The cab driver gulped and decided that even if the young girl didn't have money, he wasn't going to argue with her. For a dirty, abet beautiful and innocent looking girl she looked very dangerous at that moment. He opened the back door for her.
Cordelia sat quietly in the back seat. She was seething. The bastard, she thought. Well, he wanted her out of his life, well he would get it. Wesley almost died, he still may be in danger, the bastard, Angel would not get away with it. Cordelia wasn't going to the hotel to try to talk or guilt him into seeing reason. No, she was through with that, no, now all she wanted was what she would need.
"Here we are," the driver called.
"Good," she got out of the cab. She threw some bills on the seat.
Cordelia pushed at the front door only to find that it was locked. She reached into her pocket and pulled at her keys. Once the door was unlocked she entered the hotel. Cordelia went straight for her former desk and opened the bottom drawer. She forced herself to ignore the mustiness of the place. It smelled like it had been closed up for centuries rather than a couple of weeks. The smell of the place was rank. She was relieved to find what she was looking for, she wanted desperately to get out of the decaying atmosphere of the place. For a brief moment she thought of Angel in this place, and her heart hurt, but then she forced herself to remember Wesley hurt, possibly dying and she repressed her love for the vampire.
She quickly grabbed what she was searching for. She walked to the cabinet in the other room; she stopped as she past the front desk. Cordelia went behind the counter and pulled out the petty cash box. She was going through it as Angel came down the stairs.
"I told you to get out."
Cordelia looked blandly up at the vampire. "Don't worry, I am not staying." She stuffed a wad of cash in her pocket.
"Stealing?"
Cordelia shook her head and walked towards the weapon cabinet. She opened it with the keys she had taken from her desk. She started to pull the weaopns out when Angel's firm grip stop her. He had made it from the staircase to Cordelia's side than less than a second. "What are you doing," he growled.
Cordelia turned and faced the vampire. "Stealing? Call the cops or better yet, think about where the petty cash box came from it wasn't from you. You have absolutely no sense about running a business. This is ours, mine, Wesley's and even Gunn's. See, we knew that petty cash is important to a business. You know, in case, we had to pay a delivery boy or buy more fax paper, it doesn't matter, you never thought of it, but we did. So, this," she gestured to the cash in her pocket, "Is ours. And if I have taken too much, let's just say it's severence pay. It's not like you gave us the standard two weeks notices, now is it," she said comtempeously to him.
Angel didn't hear a word of her rambling. He didn't care about the money. He just wanted her out of the hotel, but not before he found out why she was bruised and in pain.
Cordelia glared at Angel and attempted to pull away from his grip. She was momentarily suprised that she was able to free her arm. She grunted and turned back to the weapons cabinet, tossing the items in the canvas bag she had gotten from her desk.
"What happened to you?" he asked watching Cordelia fill the bag with weapons.
"Nothing, you need to worry about," she said coldly as she emptied the cabinet of everything but the scroll. Her hand reached for it then she pulled away. Cordelia winced in pain as she went to zip up the bag.
"What are you doing and what happened to you?" the vampire demanded again.
Cordelia faced the vampire. "I am taking what belongs to me, the Seer to the Powers. These weapons belong to the Warrior that I serve. That's not you, not anymore. And until the Powers design to give me a new warrior or wipe my memory of all I have been through, then they belong to me. Because, I will not face another angry, gross demon in a dark alley armed with only a stake, some holy water, a lead pipe and a piece of rock. And I WILL NOT let Wesley or Gunn die, because we were unprepared." She turned to walk past the vampire.
Angel reached out to grab her.
Quicker than either thought possible, Cordelia brought a stake up to the vampire's chest. "Wesley, Wesley, someone you use to call friend, no you use to call him family, is on his way to the hospital, because while you might have fired us the Power's didn't," she with contempt. "We will continue the fight, regardless if it for your so called redemption. And you said I was the self-absorbed one," she grunted. "Not everything is about you and you suffering. God, how could I have been so wrong about you," she said in disgust. "And I actually thought I loved you." Cordelia pulled the stake away and pocketed it. She pushed past the stunned vampire. Cordelia stopped at the front counter and took another set of keys. "My cab is gone. Your car will be left outside in the sunlight. Good riddance," she said leaving the hotel.
Chapter Two:Cordelia slumped in Angel's car banging the steering wheel in sorrow and rage. She hadn't thought at all about what would happen when she went to the hotel. She had just been so mad that Angel had forced them to fight that demon alone and ill equipped. It was the vampire's entire fault that Wesley was in the hospital. Cordelia hadn't planned on seeing the vampire. Or had she? She sobbed into the steering wheel. Had she really gone over there just to gather ancient weapons that she didn't even know how to use or had she gone in another attempt to get Angel to acknowledge his role as a warrior for the Powers? Had she taken his money, his weapons and his car to force him to see what his callus and apathetic behavior was doing to her and Wesley? To shock him into realizing that he was choosing the wrong path? Well, if that had been her subconscious intent, then she had failed miserably. Cordelia cried even harder as she finally accepted that Angel just didn't care about them anymore or his redemption. All he cared about was his obsession with Darla.
The rage inside of her intensified at the thought about the blonde, overwhelming her sorrow. Damn him and that undead bitch, she cried striking the wheel again. Cordelia knew instinctively that if Angel didn't reconnect with his humanity soon, his soul could truly be lost. At best he would turn into a mere shell of the honorable vampire he once was, he would become some decaying dead thing. Cordelia shuddered as she remembered the foul air in the hotel. At worst he would dissolve into Angelus with little or no resistance. Cordelia knew without a doubt she could help stop his downward spiral into self-destruction, if he would just let her, but he wouldn't. Angel had made that painfully obvious. So be it, she thought with strenghening resolve. Cordelia would not be hurt or rejected again by that vampire. Angel had made his choice and now she had to make hers.Cordelia swore that she would take the weapons and find a way to effectively and efficiently fight for the helpless. Angel may be ready to give up the fight, but she wasn't. She couldn't. Cordelia realized that in the beginning she had been willing to accept her role as Angel's seer, to be near him and to help him redeem his soul. But now, it meant so much more. It was no longer just about Angel; it was about all of the lost souls that needed help. And she would help them or die trying. Cordelia sadly giggled to herself, wincing as the action caused a sharp pain to her side. Who would have thought it, she uttered in disbelief. She, Cordelia Chase had a higher purpose other then gaining fame and fortune. She gulped wiping away her tears. Cordelia smiled slightly, she had a purpose, she just wished...no, she thought in firm resolve, repressing the anguish of her heart breaking. Angel was no longer her responsibility. Her responsibility was now to all the helpless and to Wesley...and Gunn. And Wesley needed her now, she thought, starting the car. She had to get to the hospital.
Cordelia rushed in the hospital favoring her left side. She immediately ran to Gunn in the waiting area. "How is he?" she winced.
Gunn noticed the flash of pain that flickered over her concerned expression. "Wesley regained consciousness awhile ago. The doctor said that it was not serious, just a mild concussion. But he wants Wesley to stay overnight for observation, just in case. The doctor is with him now, giving Wesley the news."
"Really?" Cordelia said getting hopeful. "But, he was so still..." Cordelia was not quite ready to believe the good news.
"Really, the doctor said the blow just knocked him out. He should be fine. But the english guy will have a killer headache for the next few days, though."
Cordelia smiled in relief then winced again grabbing her side.
"Cordelia?" Gunn asked in concern. "Doctor," he called to the elderly physician exiting Wesley's room.
"No, Gunn, I am fine, really." Cordelia grabbed at the street kid.
"Yeah, right," he answered beckoning again to the doctor.
The elderly doctor came over to the couple. "Your friend should be fine, but in the future remind him to wear a helmet," the physician lectured. The doctor stopped and looked at Cordelia's bruised face. "Young lady, were you riding with him on that motorcycle? Here let me look at that." He gently fingered the blackening skin around her jaw. Cordelia grimaced as she moved away from the doctor.
"Doctor, something is wrong with her left side." Gunn commented ignoring Cordelia's glare.
"I am fine," she said again.
The elderly doctor just nodded and gently touched her side. "Oww." Cordelia winced involuntarily.
"Come on, young lady, let's just see how fine you really are." The doctor motioned her to an empty examining room.
"But I want to see Wesley," she argued.
"After," the doctor kindly ordered. "Come on."
Cordelia reluctantly followed the man into the room. She gingerly got on the examining table.
"Now, let's see if we can take off this shirt."
Cordelia squirmed in pain as the doctor tried to lift her shirt over her head.
"Fine, indeed," the old doctor clucked. The elderly gentleman proceeded to cut away the material with a small pair of scissors. The shirt fell to the table revealing a large abrasion turning black and purple. The growing bruise covered most of Cordelia's torso. The doctor gently wiped way the dirt and gravel from her discolored skin. "That must have been some accident."
Cordelia didn't answer, she had no idea what Gunn had said to the staff about how Wesley's injuries were caused. Though, obviously, it had something to do with a motorcycle. But since she was unaware of the details of his explanation, she just nodded. Futhermore, it was taking all of her concentration not to howl in pain at the doctor's gentle ministrations.
"I think this needs to be X-Rayed. You may have fractured a rib or two. Here let me help you put this on," he smiled holding out a hospital gown.
***
A couple of hours later, a nurse pushing Cordelia in a wheel chair returned to Gunn in the waiting room. "Well?" The street kid asked anxiously. Gunn had been getting worried; Cordelia had been gone for a long time.
"Fine, yep, I feel wonderful, hi ya, Gunny," Cordelia smiled a goofy grin.
"Cordelia?"
"I am afraid that the pain medication as hit her kind of hard," the nurse laughed. "When was the last time she has eaten? Oh, nevermind, but she is fine. Her ribs were pretty bruised, but they weren't broken or fractured. She just needs to keep taped up, though and here is her prescription. And get some food in her or better yet, just wait a little bit, she will be out like a light soon." The nurse turned to Cordelia. "Now, Cordelia, what did the doctor tell you?" She asked the smiling girl.
"Grandpa doc said," Cordelia started then stopped. "He is so cute," she giggled.
"Yea, he is," the nurse smiled. "But what did he tell you?"
Cordelia sighed. "Doc said that I have to look like a mummy for about a week. Hey, Gunn, look," she exclaimed pulling up the T-shirt some one had found to replace her ruined shirt. Gunn's eyes widened, as Cordelia exposed not only the multiple white stiff bandages wrapped around her torso, but a pair of beautiful breast.
"Cordelia," he said blushing looking in desperation at the nurse.
"Cordelia, dear, let's put your shirt down, okay honey," the nurse said gently.
"Okay, dokie," Cordelia said readjusting her T-shirt.
"Are you sure she is ready to be released?" Gunn questioned nervously.
"Yes, she needs to remain immobile as much as possible, but that can be done at home. And in the future make sure she has something in her stomache before she takes her medicine." The nurse smiled.
Gunn nodded doubtfully. "Can she visit Wesley? He has been asking about her and I know she wants to see him." He gestured towards Wesley's room.
"Wesley? Is that his name, I thought it was Angel? Cordelia has been rambling on about some body named Angel. Oh, I get it, Angel isn't a name she was asking for him 'her Angel' that's so sweet," the nurse exclaimed.
"Angel, Angel? Where is he?" Cordelia looked around with a hopeful smile on her face. "Where is Angel?"
"Cordelia, Angel is not here," Gunn said gently.
"Oh," she pouted a moment scrunching up her face in concentration. "That's right, Angel is a big loser dead guy, don't love him anymore." Cordelia frowned and shook her head. "Gunny, where is Wesley?"
"He is waiting to see you, too make sure you are all right." Gunn said taking the wheel chair from the confused nurse. "Thank you," he said pushing the chair into Wesley's room.
"Hi ya! Wesley." Cordelia waved cheerfully to her friend lying in the hospital bed.
"Um, hi, Cordelia." Wesley gave a puzzeled look towards Gunn.
"It is the pain medication. Her ribs are bruised, but the nurse said she would be fine after some rest."
"Hey, research guy, we got clobbered but we beat the evil big ugly guy, didn't we," she said happily. "Pooh, on useless soul boy, I say," she said frowning again. "I stole his weapons," Cordelia said smiling again.
Wesley and Gunn glanced at each other. "The nurse said some food would probably counter act some of the effects on the medication. I will go look for some," the street kid said leaving the room. "She is all yours, just don't let her talk about mummies."
"Mummies," piped in Cordelia. "Hey, Wesley do you want to see...."
Gunn reached over and gently pushed Cordelia's hand away from her T-shirt. "Not now, Cordelia, okay. I don't think the english guy can take the shock." Gunn sighed. "I know I can't," he sighed again. "I will be back."
"Cordelia, are you really okay?" Wesley asked.
"Yep," she said wheeling her chair closer to her friend. "You are going to have such a goose bump on you head," she giggled. "Good thing, you have such a hard head, uh," she smiled.
"Yes, I guess it is."
Cordelia took a deep breath. "Wesley, you like me don't you?"
"Yes, of course I do," he answered wishing that Gunn would hurry back with some food for the babbling girl.
"Ummph,that's nice. Yucky old Angel." She stopped to frown. "Anyway, he said that I was self-absorbed and a bunch of other not nice stuff. Am I?"
"What self-absorbed?" he chuckled.
"Yeah, am I a bad person?"
"No, you are one of the best people that I know," he said truthfully. "Cordelia, Angel is going through..."
"I don't want to talk about him," she cried her frown turning into a pout. "I don't like him anymore," she declared.
"Cordelia.."
"Nope, don't care, don't like him...Hey, scoot over," she demanded.
"Cordelia?"
"I am tired and I want to be near my only real friend," she whined pushing herself up out of the wheel chair.
Wesley quickly moved over as Cordelia settled on his bed. "Wesley," she said in a small voice.
"Yes, Cordelia," he responded as he moved his arm around her smaller body.
"I love him," she sniffled. "But he doesn't...I am scared. I don't like being alone."
"Sh, Cordelia. I am here, just sleep. Okay," he whispered tenderly to the young crying girl.
"Wesley, it hurts so much," she said softly, her tears falling on his shoulder.
"Sh," he sighed knowing that the young girl wasn't referring to her physical injury. Wesley settled next to his friend waiting for his own medication to kick in.
***
The nurse walked up to the dark man standing in the doorway of Wesley's room. She noticed that he was handsome, but there was something not quite right about him. The man looked slightly unkept and there was a sense of darkness about him. "Sir, can I help you?"
"How are they?" he asked his eyes never leaving the sleeping couple.
"Oh, are you a friend?" she asked nervously. "They will be fine. Actually, Cordelia was released awhile ago. She just bruised some ribs. When will people realize that motorcycles are not toys?" The nurse paused for a minute, looking at the couple, then she sighed. "I guess she couldn't leave him, they must be in love. Look at them. We actually have broken the rules for them. They just seem to need each other, well you must know, as you are their friend," she smiled at the man, then gasped as she felt the waves of rage flowing from the still man. "I am sorry, who did you say you were?" the nurse questioned feeling suddenly uneasy about the man's presence.
"Angel, what are you doing here?" Gunn asked suspiciously, coming up behind Angel and the nurse. The many rigors of Gunn's life on the street had left him cynical and distrustful of most people. Gunn had thought that Angel had earned his trust, but that was before the vampire had left Cordelia to fight his battles.
The nurse looked at the two men and then at the couple. She waved her hands in front of her, really confused now. This man was Angel? She could have sworn that Cordelia had said something about Angel being dead. Well, he was handsome, but he looked dangerous. She shook her head baffled. This dark man couldn't be the one that the young pretty girl had rambled on about. "I guess, I will be going now, but don't upset the patients," she said nervously, but firmly. She decided that it was none of her business, unless the tension in the air affected her patients.
Angel turned to Gunn. "The nurse said she would be okay." It was more of a question than statement.
"You look like shit," the street kid said to the vampire. Angel ignored his comment and repeated his statement.
"Don't you think that it is a little late to be all concerned?" Gunn said gruffly, trying to pull the vampire away from the door. The vampire resisted the kid's actions. "You will not disturb her...them," Gunn demanded. He yanked again at Angel's arm. This time Angel let Gunn lead him away from the room. "What do you think happened," Gunn said once they were away from the room. "The Barbie doll had a vision, and she fought what should have been your battle. And she was awesome. It was because of her that another young girl is alive tonight, no thanks to you. Cordelia has more courage than you will ever have with all of your years behind you. Now, leave. I won't have you upsetting her...them when they wake up. You made your choice," he said bitterly turning from the vampire to go into the room.
"Gunn," Angel said staring at Cordelia and Wesley.
"What?"
"My keys," the vampire said his expression unreadable.
The young man stared at Angel in disbelief. Cordelia had told him about her stop at the hotel before she went to get X-Rayed.
"Right, your keys," Gunn said in disgust as he went into his pocket to pull out the keys the nurse had given him from Cordelia earlier. "Here," he said throwing the keys to the ground. "And may this time, you will really rot in hell," Gunn grumbled to himself.
***
The first thing Angel felt as Cordelia stormed out of the hotel was relief that she was gone. He couldn't stand to be around the young girl anymore. Cordelia's beauty, her spirit, her love of life, her very nature acutely reminded Angel of how far he was from ever reaching true humanity or redemption. In addition, to being his connection to the Powers, Cordelia had slowly over the last year or so, become his one real connection to the living world around him. It had been her nagging, courage, and unfailing support that had enabled him to reach out and try to actually find enjoyment in his existence. But, his failure to save Darla had shown him that he would never reach redemption.
His redemption, he thought with disgust, Cordelia had always seemed to believe that his redemption was a done deal, it was just a matter of time. She never doubted that it would happen. But, Angel now knew that her belief was a fallacy. He knew that like Darla, he would always be damned. And being around Cordelia was just too painful. Angel just wanted to slide into dark oblivion, and his seer's constant nagging concern, just made that too difficult. Angel couldn't handle the lightness that Cordelia's presence inflicted on his existence. Angel was truly glad she was gone.But, he thought, Cordelia had been in physical pain. He wasn't glad about that. In fact, that made him angry. What had happened? How badly was she injured? And why was Wesley in the hospital? What had Cordelia said? Angel tried to think back to her words. But he hadn't really been listening, he had just wanted her gone. He remembered asking her how she got hurt. But Cordelia wouldn't answer him, she had just kept piling the weapons in that stupid bag, then she had taken his car keys. But she had been saying something. Angel remembered that her tone had been angry, masking her physical pain. Cordelia had actually pulled a stake on him. What had she said?
Angel slumped down into the armchair and for the first time in that last few months; he tried to concentrate on something other than Darla and his subsequent failure to save his sire.
Cordelia had yelled something about him not being a warrior for the Powers anymore, but that she was still their seer. Oh god, Wesley had called earlier that evening. Angel had hung up at the sound of the former watcher's voice without really listening to what he had been saying. But now he remembered, Wesley hadn't been calling to lecture or reason with the vampire, he had called to tell Angel that Cordelia had had a vision.
Oh god, the vampire thought again, as he replayed the earlier scene with his young seer. They had gone to fight whatever Cordelia had seen in her vision without him. And Cordelia and Wesley must have been injured because of it. And they would continue to fight the Power's battles without him, he realized suddenly proccessing all of Cordelia's angry words. And she would die as a result, he thought, because while Cordelia may have the will and the courage she just didn't have the necessary strength, neither did Wesley.Angel slowly got up and walked over to Cordelia's empty desk. He sat in her chair rubbing his hands over the desk trying to deperately to sense any trace of the young beautiful girl that had told him in hatred that she had loved him. But her scent was gone; it had been replaced by a damp musty smell. Angel sniffed frantically in game face, but there was no scent of life left in the building, just the stench of dead things, of him, he realized.
Angel got up in mindless automation and left the hotel. The only thought in his mind was that Cordelia could not die, not while he still walked this world. As long as she was alive, he had the choice on whether to slide into the darkness or struggle to truly live. But if she were gone, then there would be no choice. His soul would be lost forever. Angel stalked to the hospital unconscious of the fact that he had already made his choice by going to Cordelia, and that his choice was to take the chance at living.
Angel stood at the doorway of the hospital room and stared at Cordelia and Wesley sleeping in each other's arms. The nurse had said she would be fine. But he knew that, he could sense that her heartbeat was strong. But why was the nurse hesitating? And what was this nonense about Cordelia being in love with Wesley? Angel suppressed a growl. Cordelia loved him, not Wesley; she had said so. Angel conveniently ignored the circumstances of Cordelia's earlier declaration of love to him.
Gunn was talking to him now. What was the street kid saying? Angel suppressed another growl as Gunn pulled him further away from Cordelia.
Angel made a decision. He stood impassively while Gunn threw his keys to the ground. Without looking back, Angel picked up the keys and left the hall. Angel heard Gunn's last statement. Angel chuckled as he walked away from the angry street kid. Rot in Hell? Maybe he would, he chuckled again, but he would go down fighting. Angel sighed as he acknowledged that his biggest and most important fight was yet to come.Angel waited patiently until Gunn left the doorway and went to lay down in the lounge off the corridor. No one noticed as the vampire quietly with fluid grace went into the hospital room. Angel stared at the couple. He tenderly stroked the side of Cordelia's face that was not pressed up to Wesley's chest. Angel continued his light caresses until Cordelia sighed in her sleep and turned into the vampire's touch. Once Cordelia had moved away from Wesley's embrace, Angel gently picked up her up. Angel continued to stroke the sleeping girl as he watched Wesley stir a moment at the loss of body warmth. Angel pulled up the blanket and tucked it around the former watcher. Wesley fell back into a medicated sleep. Again, no one noticed as the vampire carried Cordelia out of the hospital.
Chapter Three:Angel stared down at the girl lying next to him in the car and gently brushed a dark silky strain of hair off her face. Cordelia hadn't stirred once since Angel had taken her from the hospital. She really was beautiful; he sighed, so innocent and fragile. Well, not really all that fragile, he amended, thinking back to her anger in the hotel.
Angel was truly grateful that whatever pain medication she had taken had knocked her out so completely. He needed to get to the fake Swami's cabin before she woke up. The cabin had been abandoned since the fraud T'ish Magev had gone. It was the only place that Angel could think of to take Cordelia so they could be alone and talk, without distractions. He just hoped that they reached it before the medication wore off. Otherwise, the car ride would be unpleasant and possibly quite dangerous, he thought. Cordelia was going to be livid. But she loved him, right; she would listen to him. Or did she?Angel was starting to have second and third doubts about his decision. Cordelia had said that she thought she had loved him, not that she actually still loved him. And she yelled that she hadn't known who he was anymore. Angel couldn't fault her for that, he didn't even know who he was anymore. Was he the vampire with the soul that helped the helpless? Or was he and would he always be the vampire with the damned soul destined to always fail?
The vampire had done everything in his power, consciously and unconsciously, over the last month to drive his family and Gunn away. Angel couldn't even remember all of the things he said or did, not really. Angel's mind and thoughts had been so consumed with Darla that he had just reacted instinctively in anger at their interference. The vampire sighed, he had better start remembering because Cordelia surely would. So, Angel thought back over the last month picturing his actions.
He would have to try to explain them if he was going to get Cordelia to understand. Angel grimaced as he remembered his indifference and coldness to Wesley and Cordelia. But his apathy or even his gruff behavior wouldn't have caused the hatred in Cordelia's voice at the hotel, because it was contempt he had heard in her voice, not just anger. Not, even his firing of her, Wesley and Gunn couldn't have done that, he thought uneasily.
Cordelia had a tremendous capacity for patience and acceptence of his brooding and at times boorish behavior. She had come to him twice after the firing. What did she say those times, more importantly what did he say to her? Why was it so difficult for him to remember the exact details?Angel had just deperately wanted her to leave him alone in his misery, but she wouldn't go. Her voice, her mere presence intruded on his self-guilt. But eventually, she had left him and now she hated him. What had he done? Oh god, he thought as a strange feeling came over him as he recalled yelling at her as she attempted to reach out to him. Bile rose in his throat as he heard his cold voice tell Cordelia that she was nothing more than a self-absorbed useless whining pest. Angel couldn't have hurt her more if he had tried, attacking her insecurities in such a ruthless manner.
He couldn't have hurt her more, except if he had....The car swerved off the road. Angel fell out of the car retching up old blood as sudden nausea hit. Angel wiped the bloody bile off his mouth; he pulled his hand away and stared. Oh god, he thought as another wave of nausea came over him. Angel had physically attacked Cordelia, in a black rage he had put his hand around her fragile neck in an attempt to block out her presence. He crawled back into the car and shook in stunned disbelief. Angel brought up his hand inches from Cordelia's slim neck. He flexed his fingers closer to her skin; Angel jerked his hand back quickly. How could he have raised his hands to her in anger, use his strength against her? The very thought was abhorrent. But he had, he thought in dismay.
In his preoccupation to save Darla had he been so lost to reason, that his demon was able to take control? No, he couldn't blame his acts of cruelty on Angelus. Angel had his soul. What had he become? Cordelia had yelled, no she had choked that Wolfram & Hart had won that he had become worse than his demon; he had become Angelus with a soul. The vampire closed his eyes against the memory of Cordelia crouched against the wall, the shock and pain on her face, the reddening marks marring her smooth skin.What had he been thinking taking her away from the hospital? Angel couldn't ask for her understanding or forgiveness, what he had done was unforgivable. He had completely and utterly destroyed her trust in him, Angel thought in despair. He sat in the car staring in dazed sorrow out into the night. Angel noticed in detatchment that it would be dawn soon. The only thing that kept him from staying and watch the sunrise, was the fear of leaving Cordelia out there alone. Even if she were awake she would not be in any condition to drive back to LA. Angel started to turn the car back towards the city. And then, well then, he shrugged there would always be another sunrise tomorrow.
The words of the song playing on the car stereo penetrated through his haze.
Her eyes were hazel brown, she laughed the sweetest sound
And I just loved the way she lit up when she spoke
She helped to ease my pain, she stayed through the pouring rain
And I gave her all that she could take till she broke
She fit me like a glove, she taught me how to love
And for some ass I watched it all go up in smoke
Do you want to be loved for real, do you want to be loved for real
Do you want to be...loved. Yes, I wanna be loved for real
For real. Do you want to be in love for real
Yes I want to be in love for real.
Angel slammed his fist into the radio in despair and rage. Some stupid pop song had just summed up how he had destroyed his only chance to be loved. And the vampire realized in sudden desperation, that he really wanted to be loved. He wanted to be loved by the beautiful girl lying next to him with the hazel brown eyes and a smile the could light up any darkness. Angel wanted it more than he had wanted anything in all of his years of existence, even his redemption.
Cordelia stirred on the seat. "Angel", she murmured getting restless. Angel glanced at her. Cordelia was still asleep. He hesitantly reached his hand to her head and gently stroked her dark hair. Angel took an unneeded breath as the young girl calmed at his touch. Maybe, just maybe, he thought fearfully as he continued to caress her. Could he be that selfish? Yes, the vampire could, but should he? No, Angel thought, he should just get out of Cordelia's life and never let his darkness taint the innocent young girl again.
Cordelia curled up closer to the vampire and sighed. But, Angel thought, with a small glimmer of hope, just maybe, Cordelia's courageous spirit and capacity for love and forgiveness would be great enough and strong enough for the both of them. He thought with not a small measure of sadness at the unfairness of what he was going to ask from her. But Angel needed her and loved her too much, not to take the chance. He had no choice but to try to regain what he had lost. Even if he had to fight her to do it. Angel sighed and tried to prepare himself for the most important battle of his existence.Angel glanced at Cordelia still sleeping, but now on the couch in the abandoned cabin. He sighed, as he had third and fourth doubts about his decision. He really hadn't thought this through very well. He had kidnapped Cordelia literally from under the nose of Wesley. Wesley and Gunn were going to be anxious, he thought in a classic understatement. Then there was the fact, that he hadn't he even thought about bringing along any food or clothes for Cordelia. Angel began to seriously wonder if he had lost his mind. Cordelia hated him and she hated to be uncomfortable and hungry. And let's not forget that she will be in pain because he didn't even remember to get her medication. Oh god, he thought, any chance he had to rebuild Cordelia's trust was gone as he looked at the near empty cabin.
Why couldn't he have taken her to some five star hotel, at least there she could have been comfortable in her hatred for the vampire. Angel slumped over, with his hands covering his face. But that wasn't the real problem, the real obstacle was what he had done to his best friend. A sudden overwhelming feeling of guilt flowed through his body. Angel couldn't even take her back now, he thought, the sun had risen about 20 minutes ago. Maybe, he should just call Gunn and have him come get Cordelia. He could do that, if the damn phone worked, he thought in disgust. Maybe, Cordelia would be merciful and stake him quickly.