Go TeamC/A
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It felt strange to walk into the Hyperion. She had only been gone for one full day but the place seemed so different. It was foreign. She heard the gasps, she saw the pity and she felt the touching hands but inside there was nothing. She knew her friends were touching her body trying to reassure themselves she was alive. Body, it was such a hollow word. It echoed through her like the sound of someone crying in the lobby would echo through the hotel. Someone was crying. Her eyes scanned the room. Someone was crying. One face after another took form. Everyone was crying but they weren't whom she was searching for. Her eyes finally rested on a small bundle of blankets. Connor. Connor was crying. Her arms scooped up the trembling fragile body. Fragile, it was such a gentle word. Fragile.
Connor was fragile. Connor needed to be protected or he would break. His fragrant pink skin felt cold. She wrapped his blanket tighter. He had to be protected. His safety was more important than hers. She was a mother. She was an honorary mother. A soft smile formed on her face. She felt a twinge of pain as her battered face twisted in an unfamiliar shape. Smiling, had she ever smiled before? It didn't matter she was holding the only thing that mattered. Loud voices were making Connor squirm. She had to keep him safe. She had to silence the loud voices. Her eyes connected with Wesley's. “You're upsetting Connor.”
“I'm sorry but I was trying… What happened?”
Questions, did they need to know what she had done? Couldn't they see her guilt in her eyes? Didn't they realize what she had become just by looking at her? “Connor is safe.”
“Cordelia, we were searching for you. I'm so sorry…”
“Connor is safe.” She rocked the baby in her arms. A sickening thought suddenly occurred to her. Could her baby boy smell what she had done? She needed to get clean. She shouldn't touch the baby when she was dirty. It was funny. Could she ever be clean again? It didn't matter. She was a mother. Darla hadn't been clean and she was a mother too. “I have to take a shower. I can't take the baby with me.” Her eyes searched the room. Who would keep her baby safe? “Where is Angel?”
Fred pointed to the stairs.
Angel had curled into a ball on the stairs. It was funny. He was so broad but his body managed to fold itself until it almost disappeared. He was still crying. How could he keep Connor safe if he wouldn't stop crying?
Another sickening thought occurred to her. He could probably smell what she had done. He needed to get clean too but he couldn't go back to his room. His room was gone now. It had been destroyed by her thoughtlessness, her reckless disregard for his curse. She had betrayed him there.
Her eyes scanned the room. Someone needed to keep Connor safe while she showered. Her gaze fell on Fred. She had gotten Connor to safety. Why was she crying? She hadn't done anything wrong. She hadn't betrayed anyone.
“I need you to keep Connor safe while I shower and change.”
Fred nodded. She didn't trust her own voice.
Cordelia handed the baby to her. Fred would keep Connor safe. Her eyes went back to Angel. Why was he still crying? She reached out to touch his shoulder but froze. He wouldn't want her to touch him but she needed him to look up. Her voice sounded so hoarse. Hoarse, it was a funny word. She had a horse once but the government took it away. So many things had been taken from her. Would that make her disappear one day? Could one too many things be taken and make her fade away? Marcy had faded away. She had made Marcy disappear. It was her fault.
“You can use the room Wesley stays in to shower. You can't go back to your room. It's not there anymore.” She didn't notice the strange looks she received. “You can sleep in Wesley's room. You haven't slept in so long. Gunn will get you some clean clothes. You can't keep the ones you're wearing. Gunn will burn them. Fred will bring Connor to you once you're dressed.” She didn't speak to the others. She knew they would follow her instructions.
It was funny. They would laugh if they knew how well Cordelia Chase could follow instructions. She could follow directions without whining, complaining or talking back. But they couldn't know. They couldn't know what she had done, what she had become.
She slowly walked up the stairs. She had a room too. Normally she'd use Angel's but that wasn't there anymore. She would have to use the room she had picked so long ago.
The shower had helped to ease her sore muscles. There was no one in there to push her onto her knees this time. Walking started to hurt again. It was strange to feel relieved by that. She was in pain because someone hurt her. She had been hurt. It was funny. She embraced the pain, welcomed it like an old friend. Friend, would her friends leave her when they knew what she had done?
Her feet moved towards the sound of crying. She ignored the hushed voices that were floating around the hotel. Someone was crying. She took a hesitant step inside the room Angel was told to use. He was curled up in the corner. He was dressed in clean clothes now but he was still crying. He wasn't the someone she was looking for. Connor was in the middle of the large bed crying. Sucking on his fist could not smother his wails. His entire tiny body had turned purple. She crawled onto the bed and wrapped herself around him, protecting him. She had to keep him safe. His cries tapered off as her presence began to soothe him. He slowly slipped into slumber.
She was so tired. Her eyes drifted to the corner. He was watching her. He was watching them. The haunted look in his eyes forced her to look away. She had put that there. She rested her head on the bed and closed her eyes.
There was this wooded area behind her Grandmother's house. She used to play there when she was little. She would pretend she was a lost princess. Her family and her prince were desperately searching for her. She didn't need to be afraid because they loved her. They would find her. No harm could come to her. Their love kept her safe. There was a beautiful tree in the woods. The branches looked like they were reaching down to scoop her up and keep her safe.
No one would have guessed that Cordelia Chase loved to climb trees. She would climb up to these two branches that made the perfect seat. She could lie down or sit depending on her mood. The full branches kept her shielded from prying eyes. The tree, her tree would keep her safe until she was rescued. She was safe. Her tree kept her safe and hidden. No one could see her. No one would know what she was if she stayed hidden.
It had been three days since Willow had performed the spell. Three days since two of his closest friends returned to the hotel. Three days and he still didn't know what had happened. Neither Cordelia nor Angel would talk about it. During one of her lucid moments, which were few and far between, she handed him a newspaper and pointed out an article. She walked away before he could ask any questions. The article was about a triple homicide in a wealthy suburb of Los Angeles.
Three servants were killed in their beds by a masked intruder. The unknown assailant had been frightened away by a friend of the family who was visiting from San Francisco. The man had reportedly gone downstairs to investigate a suspicious noise. The assailant had exited the detached servants' quarters and was attempting to enter the main house. He escaped over the back fence after the exterior lights were activated. The bodies of the servants were discovered by police. The Police currently have no suspects. The investigation is ongoing.
When Wesley showed Angel the article, he told him the family lied. The servants had all been killed in the main house. He had never gone into the servants' quarters. He couldn't explain why the family lied to the police. No description of Angelus had been given and no mention of Cordelia was made.
That was the last time Angel had spoken. Cordelia wandered around the hotel with Connor in her arms while Angel watched them through haunted eyes. He never got close but he was never far away either. Wesley had no idea what to do. He hadn't received a response when he informed them that Willow had managed to rewrite the spell. The curse no longer had a happiness loophole. Angelus was buried forever.
Gunn was barely concealing his anger. Soul or no soul, he wanted to stake Angel. He only waited for Cordelia to confirm their worst fears. Once the words were spoken, it would just be a matter of sweeping up the vamp's ashes. He couldn't understand why she slept in the same room as Angel. She slept on the bed with Connor every night while Angel sat in a chair watching them. He had asked her why but her response had confused him. She only said that Connor needed to be protected, but protected from what?
Fred alternated between crying and writing on the walls. The frail woman felt responsible because she had left Cordy with Angelus. Neither Gunn nor Wesley could convince her she had done the right thing. Fred had pushed Cordelia into admitting her feelings aloud. She was the reason Angel had heard those words and experienced a moment of pure happiness. Then after she did all that, she ran away and left her best friend to be brutalized. She just needed to find the right formula so she could go back and fix her mistake.
Lorne had fled the hotel moments after coming home. He couldn't handle the swirling waves of despair, guilt, self-loathing and rage. He apologized before vomiting in the courtyard. He suggested they visit him one at a time elsewhere. Wesley gave him keys to Cordelia's apartment. Lorne promised to explain what he could to Dennis.
Wesley was angry but he had no one to focus his rage at. Angel wasn't to blame for Angelus's actions. He was already hurting. One look in the vampire's eyes almost made Wes want to promise him everything would be okay. Cordelia, one of the strongest women he'd ever known, seemed frighteningly fragile. He wanted to hold her and reassure her but she flinched away from his touch. She only allowed Fred and Connor to touch her.
He had noticed that whenever Angel began to cry, Cordelia would hand the baby to Fred. Her words would be directed at Angel but it was Fred who would physically hand Connor to his father. It was these moments that prevented Gunn from acting on his threats. They didn't know how Cordelia would react if Angel were gone.
He cursed himself for not being in the hotel that night. If he and Gunn hadn't gone out that night, Cordy wouldn't be broken. He had failed his family.
Wesley used to enjoy being the first one into the office. He would get to watch his makeshift family arrive one at a time. Each entrance would bring a smile to his face. Smiling now felt unnatural in the hotel. Everyone was in pain and nobody was talking about it. Gunn was still angry. He wanted to release that anger onto Angel but he couldn't bear to upset Cordelia. Fred was a mess. At least she had stopped writing on the walls. She wrote in a notebook instead. Cordelia had barely spoken except a word or two about Connor. She only allowed Angel and Fred to hold him. Mainly she would rock him in her arms and wander aimlessly around the hotel. She seemed lost in her own world.
Wesley wanted to get her help but he didn't know whom to get. Lorne said he would look for someone who would believe what she had to say. Angel had barely eaten or slept. He constantly watched Cordelia and Connor. The only time he left them was to shower after which his skin always looked rubbed raw or whenever he got them food. He would put a plate of something or a bottle on the counter near them and she would pick it up. They didn't talk to each other. Cordelia would on occasion speak at him but not really to him. He would immediately do whatever she asked. It was always something for Connor. Whenever she used the bathroom or showered, she would hand Connor to Fred who in turn handed him to Angel and vice versa.
Wesley dreaded another day in the suffocating fog of despair that had settled over the hotel but giving up was unthinkable.
Fred wandered down from her room. Her eyes were puffy from crying. Her clothes were wrinkled and she had dark circles under eyes. She sat down on the red sofa with her notebook and continued writing. He had tried asking her about it but she would only say she was trying to figure out a formula.
Gunn soon walked in with a box of donuts. No one squealed in delight and no one fought over who got what. He set them on the counter and started cleaning his axe. Again. Wesley had made a previous comment about the weapon not needing anymore cleaning. Gunn had responded that he wanted it to be spotless when he finally took the vamp's head.
Cordelia came down the stairs carrying Connor. She sat down on the red sofa with Fred but there was no talking. There was no giggling between the two women. He wasn't entirely sure if she knew there were others in the room. Regardless of the conversation going on around her, she would rock Connor and whisper only to him.
Wesley had no idea what to do. There were no answers to be had in any of his books. When it came to emotions, Cordelia was the boss. She was the heart. He glanced at the doorway. He knew without a doubt his world had gone from bad to apocalyptic. “Hello Buffy.”
“Hi Wesley.” The petite blond scanned the room for Angel. “I came as soon as I could. Life has been crazy in Sunnydale. There are these three… It doesn't matter anymore. Everything is going to be fine now. Where's Angel?”
“He's upstairs.”
She spotted Cordelia with a baby in her arms. “Is that Angel's son?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my god he's so cute.” She crossed the lobby intending to hold him but Cordelia turned away from her. “Hello to you too. C'mon Cordy let me hold him.”
“Buffy, please don't. Cordelia has been...”
“I heard. Willow told me.” She watched in disbelief as the brunette walked away with the baby. She was about to follow her into the courtyard when Wesley's voice stopped her.
“I don't think you understand. You cannot hold him.”
“Says who? What's her problem? She didn't even say hello. I mean rude much.”
“She has been through a lot.”
“She looks fine to me. Sure she has a bite mark but hey been there, done that.”
Wesley stilled Gunn from approaching the intruder. “This really isn't a good time for a visit.”
“Don't worry I can't stay long. I just wanted to meet Connor and ask Angel in person when he was coming back to Sunnydale.”
“I don't understand. Is there some oncoming battle you require help with because he isn't..”
“No. Willow fixed his curse. He can be happy now. We can be together. You know everyone has been so worried about how dependant Willow has become on magic and I was too but I've seen the light. She's become uberpowerful. First she pulled me… but now she's given Angel back to me. Everything was so messed up. Giles left and Spike… I really needed some good news.”
Wesley removed his restraining hand from Gunn's shoulder. “Buffy, I'm sorry to hear things have been difficult for you but I'm afraid...”
“Where's Cordelia?”
Everyone jumped at the sound of Angel's voice. It had been so long since he spoke to any of them, Buffy included.
“She's outside being rude.”
Angel glanced at Buffy but turned to Wesley for an explanation.
“Buffy is here to pay us a visit. I'm afraid she tried to hold Connor shortly after her arrival.”
“And you let her?” His tone was accusatory.
“I told her to stop. Cordelia took him out into the courtyard.”
“Did she upset her?”
“I think Cordelia is…” Fine was not an appropriate word. “She didn't seem upset, just protective.”
“OK.” He moved so he could look out at them. She was sitting on the bench with the sunlight streaming down on them. She gently rocked Connor in her arms. It frightened him how much she resembled Drusilla with one of her dolls. He had done that to her. He had done that to both women.
Buffy stared at everyone in confusion. “What's the big deal? I just wanted to hold the baby. I wasn't going to drop him or anything.”
It finally registered with him that Buffy was in his hotel. “Hello Buffy. I'm sorry but Cordelia won't allow anyone but Fred and I to hold Connor right now. You'll have to meet him another time.” He returned his attention to his duties as their sentinel.
Buffy didn't understand what was happening but that didn't matter. Her life would make sense again once Angel told her he loved her. She needed him to say he was happy about their future together.
“I came here to see you too. My life has been so hard lately. When Willow told me about the changes she made everything fell into place. I didn't think I could be happy again but I was wrong.”
Angel nodded occasionally while Buffy spoke. It was comforting to know that someone he had once tried to break had found happiness again. It gave him hope for Cordelia. It had only been a week since they had returned to the hotel. His despair was so consuming that he had intended to walk into the sun but Cordelia stopped him. He sat curled up in his room waiting for the sun to rise. He heard his son crying.
Fred had placed him on the bed but he couldn't hold him, not after what he had done. The internal moving picture show wouldn't stop playing over and over again. Cordelia had sacrificed herself for his son. He had managed to commit so many unforgivable acts in only a 24-hour span. His demon had chosen its gift well.
Cordelia suddenly appeared in his doorway. Her scent made his senses go crazy. His demon stirred which only proved to intensify his guilt and shame. When he finally managed to look up, he saw her curled around their son. Their eyes locked for a moment before she rested her head. He watched the two most important people in his life sleep. He couldn't believe she would come so close to him after everything he had done to her, let alone sleep near him. She allowed herself to be vulnerable near him.
He knew then that his despair didn't matter. He had to protect them. He had to protect her. There was something broken inside her and it was his fault. He had to do whatever it took to help her. He would do anything she asked of him. She didn't speak in words but her actions told him she didn't want him to go, at least not yet.
Buffy's words started to intrude on his thoughts. He glanced over his shoulder at the people he would have killed if not for Cordelia's selfless disregard for her personal safety and emotional well-being. They looked angry and the anger seemed to be directed at Buffy. It should have been directed at him. Everyone should hate him.
“So who's the lucky guy?” Everyone stared at him like he'd grown a second head.
“What?”
“That's not funny, Angel.”
He realized she must have said the guy's name only he hadn't been listening. “I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm distracted right now but I really am glad you've found happiness. It's in short supply around here.”
“Angel, I don't think you've understood Buffy's intentions in coming here. She's under the impression that you will be returning to Sunnydale with her.”
“Why?”
“Because you no longer have a happiness clause in your curse.”
“Don't you get it, Angel? We can be happy now. Aren't you excited? Isn't it wonderful?”
It was the first time since his return that he felt rage directed at anyone but himself. He tried to reign in his emotions. If he reacted now, he wouldn't be able to control his actions. His body grew completely still.
“I think it would be better if you moved back into the mansion at first. It will take Dawn some time to get used to the idea of you living at the house. Willow agreed to go over to the mansion and clean it up for you. She's way powerful. It'll only take her a spell or two to get the place ready. I've told everyone and they're all happy for us. Well Xander isn't but he'll come around. Spike wasn't… but he doesn't matter anymore. I have you now. I don't need him or his… approval. I called Giles in England. He was cautiously optimistic. He still has his reservations but he wants me to be happy. I haven't been myself since I came back.”
Wesley couldn't take it anymore. He glanced at his friends. He noticed Gunn had snapped the handle of his axe but he remained silent. Gunn didn't know Buffy; he only knew their history from stories. Fred was scribbling at a furious rate and tears were streaming down her face. Wes was going to put a stop to this if Angel couldn't.
“Buffy, excuse me for interrupting your jubilant plans, but how exactly do Connor and Cordelia figure into all this?”
“Well Connor would come too of course. We've never had a baby around before. Anya, Willow and Dawn are all excited about it. I know Tara would be too but she's been a little scarce lately. That might change though. As for Cordelia, I'm not the boss of her. If she wants to return to Sunnydale, no one is stopping her. I doubt Anya would be too happy since she and Xander are getting married soon. Besides what does Cordy have to do with anything?”
“Cordelia had been through a terrible ordeal and her only comfort is Connor.”
“I'm sure it was horrible but let's get some perspective. She had to deal with Angelus for one day. I had him stalking me for months. Hell even Giles had more of an ordeal than Cordy. Look at her. She's got a bite mark on her neck and one faded bruise. Which I'll grant you is on her face so that's probably traumatic for her lordship but I think she'll be fine.”
“Shut. UP.”
Buffy spun around to face Angel.
“I've been trying to control my temper but you have pushed me way too far. You don't know the first thing about Cordelia or what I put her through.”
“Angel, in case you forgot”
“I haven't forgotten anything. Everyone is always telling me I need to share. I can't keep things bottled up inside. Fine here goes. After I lost my soul, I asked Cordelia who I should kill first, Fred or my son. She offered herself in their place. It was too good of an opportunity to pass up so I let them go. She didn't fight me because she needed to buy enough time for them to get away. Do you have any idea what I did next?”
“I”
“You don't have a clue, Buffy. I raped her.” He didn't notice Gunn picking up the top half of his axe or Wesley restraining him. “That was the first time I bit her. I only drank until she was unconscious then I wrapped her in a blanket, got dressed and put her in the trunk of my car. I drove us to a neighborhood she once said she wouldn't mind living in. I picked a house that had a few lights on, wrangled myself an invitation, drained their staff and locked the family in the one teenage son's room. I took Cordy up to the master bedroom and waited for her to wake up.” He turned away from their horrified faces and stared out into the courtyard.
“When she woke up, I took her to meet the family. I told her that every time she said no to me I would kill one of them. I put their lives in her hands and she did exactly what I knew she would. She put their safety, six strangers, ahead of her own. I raped her again and again and again. It wasn't just what I put her body through; the things I said were… I broke her.”
Buffy wiped her tears away. She couldn't think about any of that now. She would deal with it later. First she needed to convince Angel to come with her. He was going to make everything right. That's what she had been counting on for a week. She had finally started to feel like her old self and she wasn't going to lose that because of Angelus.
“Angel, it wasn't your fault. It was Angelus not you.”
“You can tell yourself that if it helps you, Buffy. I can't dismiss it so easily. Even if I could lay the blame on Angelus, he did it because I'm in love with her. He did it not only to break her but to break me too. Like I said, you don't have a clue.”
“Stop saying that! OK. I didn't know that youhe… raped her and I truly feel sorry for her but it is NOT your fault. You can't let Angelus win like this. Don't you see? This is our chance for happiness and you're letting him take that from us.”
Something broke inside of Angel, cold eyes locked with Buffy's. “No. You don't get it. You aren't my idea of happiness anymore. If you were, Cordelia would be okay right now. I am in love with her and that is why she was made to suffer. My love cost her… so much.”
“But Angel…”
“NO! Go home Buffy. There's nothing for you here and if you say one more time how happy you are for us I swear I will beat you down.” He walked into the courtyard, careful to stay in the shadows.
Buffy stood in the middle of the lobby, her entire body shaking. She tried to wipe her tears away but they kept flowing. “He doesn't understand. He loves me. He's just feeling guilty right now.”
“You really are stupid.” Fred rose from the couch.
“Excuse me? Who the hell are you?”
“I'm a member of this family. Do you even know how Angel lost his soul?”
“Something about his son.”
“That was a part of it. Cordy and I were upstairs with Connor. We were talking. We didn't know Angel was listening. I was asking her about the night before. She and Angel had fallen asleep together. I pushed her into admitting that she wanted to be Connor's mother but she would never try to replace Darla. I assured her he could love them both. Then I pushed her into admitting she was in love with Angel. She said it aloud for the first time and Angel heard. He told he loved her too and he wanted them to be a family. He told her he knew Connor could love her like a mother and Darla as well. They were going to be happy. They were happy and it cost Angel his soul. Angelus blocked our only escape route. Like Angel said, he was trying to decide which of us to kill and Cordy promised she would do whatever he asked if he let us go. She let him… and I just walked away. She is a hero. She is my hero and right now she's hurting. We, her family, are going to do whatever we can to help her and if that means kicking your ass out then that's what we'll do.” The skinny Texan folded her arms and stood tall. “Get out of our home. You don't belong here. You obviously don't care about our problems so don't expect us to care about yours.”
Buffy stood there closing and opening her mouth like a fish. She couldn't understand what was happening. She couldn't understand why Angel wasn't making everything better.
“Buffy, will you be all right driving home?”
She slowly shook her head. “I didn't drive. I took a bus.”
“I can drive you to the bus station, if you like?”
“I…I don't understand! He's supposed to love me! Nothing makes sense anymore. Why couldn't they just leave me in heaven? Why did my friends have to rip me out of there? How much more can I take? I don't understand any of this!”
The other three stared at her in confusion and the beginnings of pity.
“Buffy, I believe I know someone who might be able to help you. He's a friend of ours who helps to set people on their path. He's staying at Cordelia's apartment right now. The rampant emotions in the hotel were too much for him to handle. I can drive you over there. I should warn you though. He is a demon but he's harmless. Well not harmless but he isn't dangerous. He may make you wish you were colorblind though.” He offered a slight smile to his former charge. He had no idea what she had been through. It had to have been a traumatic transition. He didn't know how to help Cordelia but at least he could help someone. He grabbed his keys. “Shall we go?”
She glanced towards the courtyard. “Maybe I should…”
“I think it's best if you leave them alone. Perhaps another time.” He looked directly at Gunn. “Do NOT do anything while I'm gone.” He received a hesitant nod in response. He walked over to Fred. “It wasn't your fault. Please believe that.” He kissed her forehead before leaving with the still shaky Slayer.
Two weeks after his return, Angel awoke to the sound of muffled crying. Cordelia was curled up beside the bed sobbing into her tightly hugged legs. Connor was asleep on the bed surrounded by pillows.
Angel wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to hold her, to comfort her but he didn't dare touch her. For the first time he spoke directly to her. “Cordelia?”
Her head slowly lifted from its hiding place. He was looking directly at her. He could see her. “I'm so sorry, Angel.”
“For what? You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I promised to stake you but I didn't have any weapons. I had to keep Connor safe no matter what. Please don't hate me. I couldn't bear it if you hated me.”
He slowly approached her as if she were a wounded animal. “I could never hate you. It wasn't your fault.”
She shook her head. “It was. It was all my fault. I made you lose your soul. I offered myself to your demon. It was all my fault. I'm so sorry.”
Angel wrapped his arms around her. She didn't pull away from him. “None of it was your fault. You didn't make me lose my soul. It was an accident. We didn't know it was going to happen. You saved our son. I'm so sorry what it cost you. I wish to God I could take it all back. I wish I could make this better. I'm so sorry I hurt you.”
She buried herself deeper into his arms. “How can you not hate me? I…I did all those things with your demon. I let him… He made me… I didn't want to. I tried not to. I don't understand why. I didn't want him touching me. I swear I didn't enjoy it. I'm so sorry. I betrayed you. Please don't hate me. I tried to hide but he kept saying things and those people. I couldn't let him hurt those people. I hid as much as I could but my tree doesn't work anymore. I miss all of you so much. I don't want to be alone anymore. No one's going to save me. No one ever did. No one ever came to find me. I always went home when I was ready. No one's coming to find me now either. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”
“Hush. You did nothing wrong. Please don't feel guilty for… Ihe knows how to manipulate your body. It wasn't your fault. I know that. I know you hated every horrible second and I am so sorry I put you through that. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry. Please let me help you. I want to be there for you. I just don't know how. I hurt you. You should hate me. You should want me gone. I'll do whatever you want. I just need you to tell me what to do.”
She curled up on his lap. “Please don't leave me. We have to keep Connor safe. He's all that matters.”
“That's not true. You matter too. How can I help you?”
“Me? No. I don't matter. I'm not here.”
He gently began to rock her. “You are here. You're safe now. I won't let anyone hurt you. My soul is never going anywhere again. You're safe.”
“Connor has to be safe. Connor is all…”
“Connor is safe. I will protect both of you. We're a family. I won't let either of you go. You're both safe now.”
“You don't hate me? You don't hate me for what I did?”
“I could never hate you. You are the bravest, most selfless person I know. I'm so proud of you. You kept our son safe. He's alive because of you. Those six people are alive because of you.”
“I failed the other three.”
“No. I failed them. I failed everyone. You did nothing wrong.” He lifted her chin until their eyes locked. “You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. You are NOT to blame for any of it. I let you down. I failed you.”
“No. You didn't know that would happen. It's not your fault. You couldn't stop him from hurting anyone. I had to protect them. I had to keep them safe.”
“You did. You kept them safe and now it's over. We'll get through this. Lorne found someone you can talk to. She is going to help you get better.”
“Am I sick?”
“No. You're just a little lost. I made you run away.”
“I was hiding in my tree.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “Did I ever tell you about my tree?”
“No” He gently rubbed circles on her back. “I'd like to hear all about it.”
“My grandmother had this little wooded area behind her house. I…”
It had been two months since their return. Wesley glanced around the empty lobby. He was still the first person to arrive. Things had improved. Their lives weren't what they had been and they probably never would be. They had all changed. Cordelia's condition had improved since she started visiting the counselor Lorne had found. Angel joined her session once a week. The counselor had also come to the hotel twice to meet with everyone. She had a few private sessions with Angel and Fred. Fred had stopped writing in her notebook but she still cried from time to time. She fussed over Cordelia and Connor all the time. Cordelia had started speaking again.
The whole hotel went still the first time she had laughed. He and Gunn had been bickering over the proper way to maintain a weapon and she suddenly started laughing. She called them an old married couple and continued laughing. It was a beautiful sight.
Angel spoke more often too. His eyes rarely left Cordelia but he would try to hold a conversation with the others. He even helped on a case.
Gunn was still angry but Cordelia had told him she'd never forgive him if he hurt Angel. He was however given carte blanche by Angel to stake Angelus if he were ever to somehow be released. Gunn promised to tie him up, bring him to his old hood and torture him before sending him to a dusty grave.
Connor had fared the best. The child was positively spoiled. The only time he was ever put down was to sleep and not always then either. He preferred Cordelia or Angel but he permitted everyone to hold him.
After a few sessions, she finally spoke to everyone about what happened. She refused to blame Angel much to Gunn's confusion but she no longer blamed herself. She had learned in her sessions that rape wasn't about sex. It was about power. She had been his victim regardless of what Angelus had made her believe. Wesley had been shocked to learn that she blamed herself in any way. In his Watchers' training, he had studied the emotional fallout from rape. It had in the past happened to several Slayers.
He became angry with himself for not being more helpful with what she had gone through afterwards. He assumed she had been broken by what Angelus had done to her, not by what he had led her to believe. They were all shocked when she asked them if they blamed her. Fred had thrown herself into Cordelia's arms and sobbed. They had their first group hug that day. They assured her wholeheartedly that no one had ever or would ever blame her for any part of what happened.
Wesley was rather surprised to see Cordelia grow closer to Angel as she improved. He knew logically that Angel wasn't to blame for Angelus's actions. He had explained as much to Gunn on several occasions but he found it surprising that Cordelia was able to make that distinction. She had been tortured by a demon wearing the face of the man she loved yet somehow she didn't blame the face at all. He eventually attributed it to the fact that during her ordeal she had focused the blame on herself rather than Angelus and by association Angel. Cordelia allowed Angel to touch her when they passed Connor back and forth.
He had been speechless when the two had been sitting on the couch together one day with their shoulders touching. The two continued to share a room, although they had chosen a new suite. They worked together to repair it. She and Fred did the redecorating. There was one king size bed. Fred had told him that Cordelia and Angel shared it but Connor always slept in between them. She had theorized that the couple was trying to work their way back to where they had been before Angelus's appearance. Wesley did his best to be supportive. He convinced Gunn not to voice his opinion.
He was startled from his reverie by Fred's entrance. “Good morning.”
She smiled. Her eyes were no longer puffy and the dark circles were gone. “Hi.” She sat down at the computer. “Is there anything you need me to research?”
“Not at the moment.”
“I got donuts.” Gunn came bouncing down the steps.
“I have dibs on the glazed chocolate one. You did buy a glazed chocolate one, didn't you?” Cordelia glared at him over Connor's head.
Gunn stood staring up at her, his mouth open.
“Are you trying to catch flies or are you too scared to tell me you didn't get me my favorite donut?”
“I… I didn't forget.” He picked up the donut in question. “See.”
“You're the best.” She resumed walking down the stairs and snatched it from his hand. “So what are we working on?”
Wesley shook himself from his state of shock. “We don't have any cases pending. Gunn and I finished the Barrington case the other day.”
“Did they pay?”
“Yes. I deposited the check yesterday.”
“Good.” Cordelia placed Connor in his basinet. She tapped her finger on his nose. “You're just the bestest baby in the whole wide world.” She looked up and found everyone staring. “What?”
“You seem in good spirits today.”
“I am. We had a really good session yesterday and last night we drove to my grandmother's old house. I showed Angel my tree and we climbed it together. The branches were lower than I remembered but my seat was still there. I think my butt got bigger but then I haven't sat there since I was eleven so there's absolutely no need to let this donut go to waste.” She took a big bite.
“Where is Angel?”
“Mr. I'm-a-vampire-so-I-shouldn't-have-to-get-up-early is still sleeping. Is it my fault he didn't get any sleep on the car ride home? I offered to drive but nooo. God forbid he be a passenger in his precious car.” A painful memory flashed through her mind. She tried to blink back her tears.
Wesley rushed to her side. “Are you alright?”
“It comes and goes. Leslie told me my memories would hit me at the strangest times. She said it's best to let them happen and then deal with the surge of emotions. Getting better takes time. It'll never go away completely but the pain will become more bearable. It already is a little better. I have you guys and I have Connor and I have Angel. That helps. I won't let Angelus win. He doesn't have the power anymore. I do.” She offered a small but sincere smile. “I have a case for us.”
“You do?”
“Yeah I had my first vision in months this morning. I guess the Powers think I'm ready to get back to work.”
“Their concern is so touching.” Gunn fist tightened squishing his donut. “Damn!”
“Dumbass. It doesn't help to blame the Powers. They never did understand love nor have any appreciation for it. It's all free will to them. It's as much above their understanding as it is beneath their concern. We still have a job to do but I needed the break and they respected that. I don't think I could've handled having anyone in my head for the last couple of months.”
“What did you see?”
“Some green slimy demon crawling out of the sewer and boy did this thing need a bath. I didn't see it do anything but I felt its hunger.” Her eyes closed in concentration. “He climbed out behind that pizza place we used to go to when you, Gunn and I had the other office. It happens tonight at midnight. I drew a picture of it.” She handed Wes her sketch. “I like the new non-painful visions but I'd prefer it if they didn't come when I was on the toilet.” She noticed them trying not to laugh. “Go ahead and laugh but you try sitting on a toilet when you're having a vision of some slimy demon crawling out of the sewer. I think the powers have a twisted sense of humor. I may never go to the bathroom again. You won't think it's so funny when you have to smell me.” She glared at her friends but couldn't stop a smile from forming. “Get to work people.”
Angel came grumbling down the steps. “I'm awake. Who needs sleep anyway? A solid four hours is more than enough.” He went over to his sleeping child. “Oh sure. It's okay when you sleep all day but I get yelled at.” He smiled at Cordelia. “So what is so important? We don't have any cases. We could have slept a little longer.”
“I had a vision.”
He was at her side in an instant. “Are you okay?” He growled at the snickering people. “It's not funny.”
“You haven't heard the story yet.”
“Thank you Gunn. Your support is duly noted.”
“C'mon girl. I brought you a donut, didn't I?”
“OK. You're off the hook this time.” She turned back to Angel. She smiled at his scowl. “Don't worry so much. It'll give you wrinkles.” She kissed his cheek. “I'm fine. I may even be able to use the bathroom again in time without fear of something crawling out of the pipes. I am pretty tough.”
His fingers gingerly touched his cheek. It was the first time she kissed him. “Bathroom?”
She rolled her eyes. “It's a long story. I'll explain while you get Connor's bottle ready.” She dragged him from the room.
Wesley watched the pair go .... Cordelia Chase truly was an extraordinary woman.
END
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